Alex Casey ranks week two of Celebrity Treasure Island NZ.
This week on Celebrity Treasure Island was all about craving. Old drama school friends craving a hug and a cry in a caravan, broadcasters craving more than one seventh of a cream donut, former deputy prime ministers and drag queens craving a tea-stained secret advantage. Me? I was craving one thing and one thing only: those tiny jars of jam from the charity challenge.
Much has been written about Celebrity Treasure Island’s whopper challenges, but it is a true thrill to see them pivot into the miniature space. To win $5000 for their charities, the celebrities had to stack the jam jars on a tiny stage with giant chopsticks, as is custom. Michelle Langstone said it was cute “like Sylvanian Families” and Millen Baird said it was “an absolute shit show.”
This morning, Michelle Langstone posted one of the delectable tiny jam jars to her Instagram story. “The tiny plum jam jar of my dreams,” she wrote, holding one of the fingernail-sized jam jars up into the light like a precious gem. “Mad props to the art department.” Plum! The tiny jam was flavoured plum! Give me a tiny toast and tiny tea and send me straight to my tiny deathbed.
While the preserves were tiny on CTI this week, the moves remained big. Let’s crack into it.
ELIMINATED: Suzanne Paul
We are going to need a federal investigation into Suzanne Paul’s sleep talking. The infomercial legend allegedly delivered thousands of luminous lectures from the land of nod, with subjects ranging from the art of puppetry to the death of Jesus Christ. But the most intriguing of all was this ‘Did You Know That There’s a Tunnel Under Ocean Boulevard’ B-side, simply entitled: ‘Did You Know Lucy Lawless Has a 20-foot Portrait of Me in Her Downstairs Toilet?”
Alas, we never got to find out more about the SuPaul portrait of our lavvy dreams because Wairangi Koopu put her up against young lad James Rolleston in the Wheel of Death elimination battle. Paul has sparkle, Paul has shine, but she also has arthritis and sciatica and didn’t have a chance in hell against Rolleston. Jesus Christ was 33 when he died, Suzanne Paul was 66 when she was eliminated. Coincidence? Show me your toilet, Lawless.
ELIMINATED: Tāmati Coffey
I will never forgive Tāmati Coffey for a) lying about cheating in that very first challenge and b) lying to Dolly Parton that it was his birthday when it wasn’t. For shame.
14. Wairangi Koopu
I don’t trust anyone who can eat a lemon that quickly and barely flinch. Is Wairangi the Terminator? Given his ice cold decision to put Suzanne up against James, and the fact that he referred to himself as “part of the cog” (suspiciously mechanical), I’m going to say: yes.
13. Gaby Solomona
Look, I love Gaby’s wisecracks, but I felt like I might drop dead like Jesus at 33 when she snarked “that old lady needs to go” re: Suzanne Paul. In a further attempt to dull SuPaul’s sparkle and shine, Gaby also trash-talked her for sitting out the challenge. “Third time on the sideline Suzanne, what’s the point of coming on the game?!” At least revenge was a dish best served cold, in the form of a McChicken, which got taken off Gaby and given to Bubbah.
12. Spankie Jackzon
Dressed as a Christmas tree and ate a whole onion. Five stars.
11. Millen Baird
Gotta give Milly B the legs 11 spot, because that man simply cannot put those javelin legs away! I wouldn’t either, tbh.
10. James Rolleston
Eliminated a national treasure (Suzanne Paul) and denounced a national pleasure (Marmite). This “Boy” would be on much thinner ice if it weren’t for his gut-punching backstory, his bizarre friendship with Duncan Garner, and this fetching hat straight from the Holey Moley course.
9. Carmel Sepuloni
She’s in coalition negotiations with every Tom, Dick and Harry who catches her gaze, but I was mostly taken by Sepuloni’s revealing admission that she has done a sudoku puzzle every single day for years. In the wise, eternally weird words of Duncan Garner: “She’s deputy prime minister playing sudoku as the country burned, what the hell?”
8. Janaye Henry
Do not underestimate Janaye Henry, senior scholar of Celebrity Treasure Island university. She knew that there was a Captain’s Coup every three days, she knew that it was time to overthrow Aihe’s leader, and she was one of the only people who could say “sudoku” with confidence. I also think we can all learn something from her assured delivery of this immortal line: “I care about my body, I care about my life, I will not be playing rugby in the water.”
7. JP Foliaki
I want JP to narrate not just this show, but every show forever. Appears to have a bone deep alliance with Bubbah and Gaby, and will likely make it very, very far.
6. Aidee Walker
“We shouldn’t just be having a nice time by the beach,” said Aidee Walker, while having a nice time on the beach. “I’m not here to be in a TV show,” said Aidee Walker, while on a TV show. She’s clearly here to play the game, she’s clearly here to share lemon water with Duncan Garner, she’s clearly here to have a cry in a caravan.
Hopefully the move to Aihe will provide the boost in the game that Aidee needs. If not, the caravan is always open 24/7.
5. Mea Motu
This bantamweight lifted up stringbean javelin-legged Millen Baird in a challenge for about 45 years, that’s instant top five behaviour if you ask me.
4. Michelle Langstone
She’s a sneak, she’s a weirdo, what the hell is she doing here (in the caravan)? Michelle Langstone proved that miniature jar enthusiasts can also be masterminds, as she swindled her way across the island to meet her bestie Aidee in an abandoned caravan. I would be very, very afraid of this drama school alliance, especially now that they are all on the same team.
3. Bubbah
Bubbah is obviously the funniest person on planet Earth, but I think her secret gameplay and strong connections might take her all the way. “That movie with those blue people have the things that just connect? That’s how I felt with Cully.” Now THAT is an Avatar sequel that I would watch, and now we all know her co-star has the acting chops to pull it off….
2. Christian Cullen
And the Emmy award for Outstanding Lead Actor in a Drama Series goes to… Christian Cullen, Celebrity Treasure Island S6, in the role of “sore hamstring guy”. With Aihe needing to throw the challenge to get rid of Suzanne Paul, Cully went full Daniel Day Lewis and immersed himself in a star-making turn playing a fragile old All Black with a gammy hammy.
Dramatically separating from the group and deftly bobbing his head underwater, Cully soon caught the attention of Lance and the medics. “Cully, he’s hurt his leg! Christian Cullen! Meeeeeddiiiiic” bellowed Lance. “He was acting his tits off,” said Michelle. “I haven’t seen acting that good since the Shawshank Redemption,” added Millen. Straight to Cullywood!
1. Duncan Garner
But what a week for Duncan Garner, reckless King of Hungusness. When Wētā won a “balance bowl” of greens, he looked about as manic as that time he smoked Kronic on the news. “Hoof it, hoof it, I want to hoof it,” he said, pacing back and forth. When they brought home baked goods and started sectioning them up, the man was practically doing capoeira around the kainga.
“I have never cut up a donut seven bloody ways,” he spat. “I want to eat it, E-A-T, eat – it’s making me hungry just talking about it.” Garner then splurged during the McAuction and treated himself to a six pack of McNuggets. “They are delicious, I’m McLovin’ it” he said, misquoting the tagline but who really cares about factual accuracy when you’re hoofing it.
As if that wasn’t enough, Garner topped off a bellissimo week by forging alliances with his adult son James Rolleston and new Aihe bestie Aidee Walker, and then getting this incredible backhanded praise from Cully in the rugby challenge: “He may look slow and sluggish but your passes were mean.” I’m simply McLovin’ all of it.
