Alex Casey ranks week four on The Traitors NZ.
There were a few times this week when, to quote Mark, I was the most surprised I had ever been in this game. Traitors were expertly sniffed out, bold recruit offers were made and even more boldly rejected, and Paul Henry debuted this opulent tunic during an inner city seance.
We were also offered a great new name for a pub quiz team (Paul Henry’s Tuck Shop) and an even better name for an OnlyFans channel (Paul Henry’s Baby Back Ribs). But looming even heavier than Mount Horrible was the sense of hostility and venom in the air.
“I always knew it would get ugly,” mused Cat. Hey, the tunic wasn’t that bad.
Frankly, I’m not surprised Noel spent most of tonight’s episode crying. Things haven’t felt this tightly coiled, this explosive, this unpredictable on a local reality show since Matilda snuggled a koala on her final date on The Bachelor NZ and it pooped straight into her belly button.
Let’s see who got flushed this week, and who remains circling the drain.
BANISHED: Mike (traitor)
The pressure was on Mike after he got a bit too enthusiastic about hoof-gate last week, so he was left with no choice but raise both his trotters high above his head all week as if he absolutely wasn’t under arrest for being a day one traitor, and definitely wasn’t hiding any kind of dagger up his sleeves. Dead eyes, raised arms, can’t lose?
When that didn’t seem to work, he evoked a technique first pioneered by Shaggy in 2000, and took to yelling out “wasn’t me” at random intervals in an attempt to prove his innocence. Alas, the faithfuls caught him on the counter (the roundtable) after some expert cross-examination from Utah. Rest your dead eyes and lower those tired arms, sweet prince, the jig is up.
MURDERED: Mark (faithful)
I knew it was going to be a bonkers week for Mark the second he adorned his galaxy brain with a crocheted hat covered in eyeballs. As my couch informant informed me, this was a reference to a “beholder”, a Dungeons and Dragons character “possessed of alien intelligence, inhuman forms of perception, and the ability to shape reality [TV] through force of will.”
And Mark really was something of a beholder this week. He conquered Mount Horrible despite being at an extreme physical disadvantage, he figured out Jane was a traitor and told Utah via pigeon mail, and then REJECTED Jane’s recruitment offer and chose to seppuku HIMSELF instead of continue on as Jane’s sacrificial lamb.
Mark knew he’d be the scapegoat, and respects this game so much that he made the ultimate sacrifice to make the best television possible. Plus, is it even a sacrifice if the move likely earns you an instant place in The Traitors hall of fame and an eventual all stars season? Keep the many eyes on your hat wide open, this games master is playing a longer game than anyone.
BANISHED: Jane (traitor)
All I’m saying is, if Terry was still here he would have clocked Jane’s nervous gulps during this conversation in a heartbeat:
After flying under the gulp-dar, Jane made like JLo and publicly distanced herself from Ben, sending shockwaves and confusion through the manor. Don’t be fooled by the rocks that she got, she’s still, she’s still a former UK police officer for 25 years and honour and integrity was always her thing, but not in this game, because she was a TRAITOR.
12) Noel (faithful)
You can’t spell Noel without “no”, which is the answer I would give under oath if you asked me if Noel was going to last another week in this game. As if it wasn’t bad enough that his name was still being thrown around the roundtable, Jane had to go and bloody wink at him on the way out. “Just put me in a coffin and throw me in a grave, because I am getting buried alive,” he said.
11) Nobby (donkey, traitor)
No donkey who shares his name with the country’s worst mayor is a friend of mine.
10) Donna (faithful)
There’s always got to be one person who fades into the background, and even Donna’s Smurf hat couldn’t claw herself beyond double digits in the rankings this week. But if there’s one thing I know about Smurfs, it’s that they can live for up to 500 years. Which is to say, Viva la Donna.
9) Molly (faithful)
All I know for certain is that Molly was hiding something under that piece of tape. Here’s a fun fact from ancient history Molly: you used to be able to use tape on VHS cassettes to stop them being dubbed over! Oh, VHS stands for Video Home System. Oh, cassettes are kind of like big plastic books with movies inside them. Oh, books are kind of like – you know what? Forget it.
8) Jason (faithful)
I think I’ve finally figured out why Jason is simply mooching about: he thinks he is on a different game show. Evidence: when he was offered a bevvy of delights from Paul Henry’s Tuck Shop™, Jason confidently uttered the only thing I’ve heard him say with any certainty thus far:
The man thinks he’s on Deal or No Deal! Hide your suitcases.
7) Dobbyn (donkey, faithful)
Any donkey who shares a name with the country’s best singer is a friend of mine.
6) Cat (faithful)
It was over breakfast that Cat casually revealed a shocking truth about herself that only the most perceptive of viewers would pick up: CAT is wearing a CAT ring. Really hope she doesn’t become a traitor, because the gold plated TRAITOR necklace will really give it away.
5) Ben (faithful, fashionable)
Everyone’s all “demeanour shift” this and “demeanour shift” that, but nobody is talking about Ben’s huge sartorial swing to suddenly start wearing a jumper tied around his shoulders like he’s the absolute king of France? Would be the biggest fashion play of the week if it wasn’t for…
4) Joe-sie the Riveter (faithful, fashionable)
This Rosie the Riveter homage left Katy Perry’s ‘Woman’s World’ for dead. Despite being awarded most ruthless, most oblivious, and least suited to the game, Joe went for the jugular at the roundtable. “I’m coming for you, wholeheartedly,” he said to Noel, even though “I do not have the energy nor the vocabulary to string a sentence together.”
Tbh, who needs words when these looks speak such incredible volumes.
3) Siale (faithful)
Siale appears to have found his glasses and is now noticing every tiny detail in everyone’s behaviour in this game. With those powerful peepers and a pole position in the “pacific ring of fire” alliance, Siale is looking veeeery comfortable indeed. At the very least, Specsavers new posterboy? We can only hope and dream.
2) Bailey (traitor, née faithful)
She’s been a featured extra at best, but I KNEW Bailey would be ready for top billing soon enough. After Mark chose to valiantly leave the game, would-be-murder-victim Bailey was forced to join Jane in the traitors conclave. She’s in a great spot as one of the most trusted players in the game, but will the pressure cause our beanie-wearing bestie to unravel?
“I feel like i’ve betrayed myself, I feel like I’ve betrayed the trust in everyone,” she lamented to cameras privately, but then seemed to have no problem instantly betraying Jane at the round table. With another big recruitment just around the corner, time will only tell if this videographer can keep her “key grip” on the game, and if she can hold onto her “best boy” Ben.
1) Utah (faithful)
What a stone cold stunner from this part-time wrestler and full-time cross-examiner. Utah posited theories, assessed evidence, and questioned witnesses with the aplomb of Judge Judith Susan Sheindlin herself this week, revealing himself to be a formidable faithful force in the manor. “ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAAAAINED?!” he yelled after coming at Mike from the top ropes.
Utah, I gotta say, I don’t think I have ever been more entertained in my entire life.