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Pop CultureJuly 25, 2018

The Block, week 3: That’s not Mark Richardson

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Let’s take our seat at the trestle table of broken dreams, as we devour this week’s serving of The Block NZ power rankings.

Blow me down with a power heater, because this week’s Dinner Wars was the most compelling television we’ve seen since a man wearing a silver wig tried to work out what famous cricketer-turned-television presenter he was pretending to be.

First, let us bathe in the tepid waters of Family Bathroom week, which saw Stu and Amy reach the giddy heights of 20 and Claire and Agni score a tragic 4. Judge Jason was not a happy camper, raging his way through three of the four bathrooms and wearing his disgust like a waffle facecloth hanging off a vertical towel rail.

“Can we just stop with the wood shelves!” Jason barked, before scoring Stu and Amy’s wooden shelved bathroom a perfect 10.  “No more beige!” he ranted, wagging his finger at the room which had the audacity to be styled in neutral tones so to appeal to a broad spectrum of buyers. “HOW MANY CANDLES DO YOU EVEN NEED?” he screamed, but the candles did not answer. We will never know the truth.

The face of supercilious judgment.

If only Jason was invited to Dinner Wars, where a fun game of Twister and some ACDC karaoke would make his mood disappear quicker than one of Agni’s prawn tacos. Contestants scrambled to entertain their way to $10,000 of free paint by hosting dinners that included an exploding bomb game and a hypnotist from Tokoroa who left Hobsonville Point shocked, stunned and completely amazed.

This looks like the darkest party ever, honestly.

As Claire and Agni’s hypnotist turned Ben into a pole, Amy and Stu turned into a giggling mess. A furious Agni banished his neighbours from the kingdom forever, because you don’t call Agni an “egg” and get off lightly. It was tenser than the time Ben and Tom tried to choose floor tiles, and if Ben was a steel pole that Em could climb, then I was a spider fern trapped in Claire and Agni’s skylight of doom. I was staring into the void, unable to look away.

Apologies were offered, but it was too late. The lines had been drawn deep in the Desert Chic sands of time, and life in Hobsonville Point would never be the same. Teams 1 and 4’s friendship was over before it began, much like Jason’s love of wooden shelving.

1) Chlo and Em

While other teams crumbled under the pressure, the relentlessly positive Chlo and Em serenaded their pot plants. More importantly, they outdid themselves with this week’s choice of matching outfits. Take me to Paris, cover me in fake moustaches and feed me uncooked broccoli by the bucket load, merci and beaucoup me old mates.

Where’s Wally?
Are they The Beatles?

No clue what’s going on here but I’m bloody loving it. Flowers in the attic, flowers in Stu and Amy’s secret loft. May Chlo and Em’s legacy forever bloom in our hearts.

“Em, what are you doing?”

2) Stu and Amy

Is First Scene a sponsor this season?

Amy and Stu aren’t here for shits and giggles, although the hypnotist would probably disagree. They scored a perfect 20 in Week 2 (WEEK 2, everyone) with their family bathroom sent from tile heaven, they’re building a secret attic, and they’ve given up time with their kids to play Twister with a bunch of stylistically challenged millennials in the hope of making some moolah.

They’re a force to be reckoned with, and I don’t care how many montages of Stu’s buttcrack suggest otherwise. I mean, Amy makes birthday cards out of plasterboard offcuts, stand down, we have a winner.

3) Tom and Ben

The two BFFs made some risky moves in their black and white bathroom, like Ben completely losing the plot and spending $80 on bath bombs. You can’t buy happiness, but if chucking four bath bombs on a pink wooden shelf is the path to personal fulfillment then Ben should go for gold.

Alas, Jason hates bath bombs as much as he hates beige, and slated Ben and Tom’s bathroom for being “too masculine”. If only they’d chucked a pink toothbrush onto their vanity top, they’d be looking at perfect 10s. RIP, manhood everywhere.

Lederhosen! On our TV! What a world.

4) Claire and Agni

The cistern of Claire and Agni’s hearts was overflowing with sadness this week, and it’s hard to know how they can catch a break. More recessed shelves? More disco lighting around the toilet? The answer probably lies behind the ponga tree in the corner, but I’m not going anywhere near that.

Why are no bathtubs actualy made to hold adult humans?

Let’s hope Claire cleans Jason’s aura with burning incense and Agni hypnotises him with his hair hat before the next room reveal, because these guys deserve so much more than a paltry 1. Fear not, these soulmates will rise like a phoenix from the ashes/ponga from the undergrowth, and I’m 100% positive that a ‘Judge Jason/Avatar’ themed bedroom is the perfect way to do it.

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