Emotions are high, feelings are plenty, and we’re one moonboot down. There’s no doubt we’re reaching crunch time in this week’s episodes of The Bachelor Australia. Miriam Moore recaps.

Episode 11 begins with sassy Cassie finally having her name read out on the single date card.  In the background, music akin to the “passionate kiss” soundtrack from The Sims 1: Hot Date plays, and all the women are just as ecstatic as Cassie about her date.  

Nick arrives in the Magic School Bus to pick up Cassie, and the pair talk at length about how they are going to have fun on the date. Well, they’re not wrong, because this is no doubt the best single date of the season. Nick has hired the entire Wet n’ Wild theme park. If there are any men out there trying to impress me, the bar has been raised. 

Cassie and Nick first face their fear of heights on the sky-coaster which looks like some tourist crap from Rotorua on crack. Once at the top, Cassie unknowingly pulls the release cord after a sneaky trick from Nick, but she is happy to have faced dying with the one she loves. They wrecking-ball through the sky in a thrill-seeking swoosh, cuddling forcefully the whole time due to the safety pod they are strapped in.

Microphones intact, the pair go on all the waterslides. Cassie’s favourite is the Typhoon waterslide, throughout which they entangle their body parts most unnecessarily. You can see the Typhoon in action below, though sadly the men in this video don’t get into any saucy positions.  

Once on the couch (that is placed in the kiddie pool), Cassie shares more feelings, even though we are all very aware of them by this stage. There’s no dramatic irony here – Nick certainly knows too. The Honey Badger finally admits, although he cannot be as open, that there’s a connection. Cassie receives a rose, and the smooch we’ve all been waiting for finally happens.

The group date sees all the ladies take part in an awful couples-bonding exercise that is reminiscent of an army boot camp. Well, all take part except Jamie-Lee, who is cockblocked by her moonboot. Each carry with them their relationship issues, quite literally – they’re written on a 15kg backpack, representing their ’emotional baggage’. By traversing mud obstacles and helping each other they overcome their relationship problems, except for the wee nugget that eight women are still vying for the same guy.

Dasha overcomes her need to be a perfectionist, impressing Nick, because she still looks hot even with mud on her face. But their solo date crashes down to earth, their chemistry from date one lost, and Dasha leaves rose-less. With no cocktail party, the rose ceremony is abrupt and predictably sees our final remaining intruder Jamie-Lee sent home.

Episode 12 starts with the remaining seven women partaking in a Segway race in the middle of the bush. Nick’s rolling entrance with the ladies is a hit, although I’d argue anyone on a Segway is smirk-worthy.

Divided into two teams, the fastest Segwayers who can also correctly answer questions about Nick have the opportunity to win one on one time with him. It’s a heated race, with Cassie foolishly guessing that Nick thinks blokes should be the ones to pay for dates, giving the yellow team a lag. Come on Cassie, it’s 2018!

When Brooke is answering the blue team’s final question to take out the win, yellow team’s Britt does a spectacular bail off her Segway within camera shot. An incredible tactic if I ever saw one. The blue team nevertheless win, with team member Shannon desperately wanting the one-on-one time having not had any since the first single date.

Serial-date-winner Brooke yet again steals the Honey Badger’s heart, and a clearly disgruntled Shannon storms off. Brooke and Nick retreat to the couch where he keeps referring to her feet as hooves, and she requests they be called tootsies instead. This high calibre chat sees her win a rose, and sure enough (as expected at this stage in the game), no rose comes without a pash.

Nick impresses Emily on her single date, showing an interest in her past as a ballerina. He takes her to the Sydney Opera House where they watch the Australian Ballet rehearse. They then take their turn to learn some ballet themselves. If there are any men out there trying to impress me, the bar has been lowered.

It looks like the worst time ever, but Emily loves it and Nick happily prances around, looking a bit like Mr Tumnus. If there are some hooves worth mentioning in this episode of The Bachelor, this would have been the more appropriate point.

Despite the good time the pair have, Emily and Nick struggle to bond on the couch. Awkward silences follow their attempt at conversation, and Emily is the second woman to leave her date without a rose.  

At the cocktail party, host Osher warns only one single date remains before the hometown visits – and the card detailing the receiver of the date remains blank. Each girl bar Dasha plucks Nick away, vying to be chosen for the final date. After conducting an interactive whiteboard lesson on her feelings, Sophie wins the date card for the next episode. Shannon once again is very upset, and slams a door.

The rose ceremony is dramatic, with Emily, Dasha and Shannon all feeling like their bond with Nick is waning. Dasha is concerned that she didn’t approach Nick at the party, but says she respects herself too much to be the one to approach a man – a poor tactic at this stage in the game. Dasha nevertheless receives the final rose, and Shannon is eliminated, becoming even more upset.

Dasha cries in a corner with her rose strewn on the ground, while Nick takes Shannon outside where she pleads “you should have kissed me!”. Everything’s turned to shit again, and we are all reminded that Tinder is not the worst dating game on earth.