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Pop CultureMarch 28, 2017

The Bachelor NZ Power Rankings, Week Two – Why can’t anyone use cutlery right?!

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Alex Casey tackles the second week of The Bachelor NZ, including Shakespeare, funny tummies and bathroom tears.

Time is limited.

You could go at any point.

Nobody is safe.

That is both a beautiful haiku about the fragility of human mortality, and a direct quote from The Bachelor NZ last night. It’s the second week in and time for our first one on one dates, our first “namaste” and our first somewhat unsurprising revelation that Zac can’t hold his knife and fork the right way.

We said goodbye to Taylar last night after her head unfortunately shrunk to the size of approximately a pea in this chilling Beetlejuice jacket illusion…

… along with Steph who I can only assume got on the wrong side of Zac after maybe eating his favourite cheese, but more about that later

… and Mariana who, with a PhD, a kid, five years in the Navy, a Nobel Peace Prize and a TONY award, was simply too good for this cruel Bachelor world.

So Zac continues on his quest for love, “doing the rounds” at the cocktail parties like an old piece of sushi on a conveyor belt, determined to find his forever-love through the essential, soul-revealing question “sweet or savoury?” Look, maybe he’ll fall in love with one of these women, or maybe he’ll fall in love with this oar:

Either way, there will be rankings.

1) Viarni

She might not be able to eat bread because of her ongoing battle with Crohn’s disease, but we still gotta toast to Viarni this week. She whipped out her white rose at the last minute to take over Bel’s single date, heading all the way over to the bright lights of Takapuna to try on clothes at The Department Store. She merrily chose new clothes whilst bystanders watched on, because normal.

After shopping up a storm and getting a weird foot rub, the pair tucked into a romantic platter of nibbles in a romantic empty shop in front of a romantic camera crew. The banter was going off the charts, with Zac showing himself to be a bit of a fromage monsieur. 

2) Ally

Ally is going to coast by solely on the fact that Zac thinks she is Kirsten Dunst for a few more weeks at least, unless she reveals that she is Melancholia era Kirsten Dunst and not Bring it On era Kirsten Dunst.

Winning the surf life-saving challenge this week and scoring some alone time to sit outside a caravan with Zac, Ally revealed a little more about herself this week. As Zac pontificated, she was like a “blossom – the more she talked the more came out.” Hold the phone, end the competition, call DOC – has Zac… talked…. To a flower before?

Ally loves reading Shakespeare, so much so that she has a quote from The Tempest tattooed on her body. Zac hasn’t seen that Kirsten Dunst movie before.

3) Lily

Chill furry vest, chill Black Sabbath tee, chill use of the word “hectic” when she got the first rose, chill story about how her dog got eaten by a crocodile and had to get 250 stitches and still survived.

4) Bel

Our resident cat lady is starting to earn her whiskers, if nothing else through her incredibly long sumptuous locks. After getting usurped on her single date by Viarni, Bel brought out the big gun ice-breaker with Zac – the fact that she doesn’t know how to eat properly with a knife and fork EITHER.

You are all cordially invited to the wedding of Zac and Bel, please bring a spork and a bib and wear your shoes on your hands.

Like The Bachelor? Then you’ll love UnREAL on Lightbox, a look behind the reality television world that’s even darker than Dom Bowden’s spray tan. 

5) Jess

The Edge fan fave got the first single date this week, wherein she got whisked away to Great Barrier Island to visit a large black box worthy of Adele herself.

The pair spent a fair bit of time talking about how pretty everything around them was, relieving the tension slightly when they frolicked in the water and maybe weed on each other a little bit?

After a quick hunt for crabs (sexual health is important on The Bachelor NZ), and some banter about what food is good (pizza, pasta, gelato) they hit the outdoor showers. Bachelor law states in Section 34b that any shower scene must be a bit touchy and pashy, so naturally Zac stood there like a anthropomorphised towel rail from the new Beauty and the Beast.

If you like reality TV, you’ll LOVE The Real Pod, our weekly podcast dedicated to all things pop culture in New Zealand. Feel free to subscribe via iTunes… no pressure…

6) Rosie

Rosie will be around for as long as it takes Zac to come to terms with her studying psychology. “Does that mean you believe in fate?” he asked, optimistically holding his knife and fork between his toes.

7) Nina

Nina was very jealous of Jess’ plane to Great Barrier, mostly because it reminded her of a big broomstick like the ones she had read about in Harry Potter. Unfortunately, she was the golden snitch of the cocktail party and Zac was not trying to seek-her, which led to some bathroom tears and yet another intensely creepy camera positioning.

Luckily they found common ground when talking about reading, when Zac revealed that his favourite book is Catch 22 and Nina revealed that 1984 feels “just like home for me” Feel like we need Rosie psychologising on that statement STAT.

8) Molly

I love Molly, but is it possible that she has that reverse-ageing Benjamin Button disease? Exhibit A: her hair and clothes become more toddler-like by the minute.

Exhibit B: She forgot how to walk on the group date and fell over on the beach, despite being cheered on by her whale friends nearby.

9) Katey

Let’s look at their movie-based banter at the cocktail party last night. Zac revealed that he “goddamn loves” The Blues Brothers, Top Gun and Point Break. Katey prefers Step Brothers and Clueless:

I’ll marry ya based on that Katey, tbh. She also showed a more snarky side this week, ripping into Nina for her cool yarn about socks. “If I have to listen to her talk about socks one more time,” she said, “I’ll stick forks in my eyes.” Interestingly, this is also how Zac eats his dinner most nights.

10) Claudia

Claudia was a bit more on the back burner this week after Zac awkwardly sent her packing when she tried to steal him away for a moment. He found her again later, though, and told her how mature he found her despite her age. It’s Moaning Myrtle mate, she’s been around for yonks.

11) Hannah

I still don’t really know much about her, but Hannah has allegedly been quote unquote “sucked in by the youth” of Katey and Lucia, which I suppose means she can’t stop taking selfies, buying smashed avocado smeared onto gold leaf toast and complaining about not being able to afford a house of her own in Auckland.

12) Sophie

Sophie is simply coasting way too much on this “does marathons” card. She needs to get deeper and start sharing deeper information with Zac, like whether she likes pizza and gelato, or whether or not she is close with her close friends.

13) Lucia

Look, Lucia is blatantly Ceri from last season back for another hoon. It’s time to open your eyes to the truth.

Honourable mentions

Dom’s chilled-out eyes

Zac lost in the background

This huge bottle of moisturiser

Listen to last week’s episode of The Real Pod below:

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