Join us at the altar for yet another season of Married at First Sight NZ power rankings.

When the experts said “people need to buckle up” for this season of Married at First Sight NZ, little did we know it was because we had all boarded a one way express train to smut city. Michael from The Apprentice Aotearoa waxed lyrical about banking up his ejaculate, Madeleine from Tauranga lusted after a “meat stick” and Kara from Christchurch shared a groundbreaking theorem that “the bigger the nose, the bigger the cock”. And that was all just in episode one. 

Since then we’ve had four romantic weddings in Vanuatu, but we’ve also had horses and humans alike pissing torrents down the beach, a father of the groom recommending that he “make love to every part of the body, from the top of the head to bottom of the feet” and Michael from The Apprentice Aotearoa using soggy hibiscus flowers to cover up his nipples in the bath. As expert John Aiken said himself, ‘tis much a more intimate season indeed. 

In more cost cutting edge science, the weddings were stripped back to island elopements this year, which meant each contestant could only bring one guest (who also likely had to hold a boom when they weren’t in shot). Because this season, as we’ve been told 45 times, is all about taking MAFSNZ back to basics and the search for true love. “We know for a fact that the Married at First Sight experiment works,” said Aiken, somehow still keeping a straight face. 

Using the equally scientific method of power ranking, let us assess the matches so far.

4. Madeleine and Nathaniel (and Garth)

Something tells me that the only thing in this relationship with any staying power will be the kilogram of glitter that Madeleine kindly blew into Nathaniel’s face during their vows. She is an account manager from Tauranga who performs Reiki on her guinea pig, and he is a Wellingtonian with the horniest dad ever committed to the silver screen. “Make love to every part of the body, top of the head to bottom of the feet,” he told his SON before his WEDDING. 

As Madeleine soon made her glacial descent down the stairs to the altar, Nathaniel’s dad Garth looked utterly transfixed. “She looks nice,” he muttered, eyes fixed on the top of her head. “If it doesn’t work out, then call me,” he would later posit to his newly-minted daughter-in-law. Call the police, call the Citizens Advice Bureau, but most importantly call the makers of My Mum, Your Dad because I’ve got a thrilling new show concept to pitch.

The married couple were awkward in the aftermath of their wedding, but had nothing on the banter between their inlaws. “My mother used to live in Auckland,” said Garth. “Did she?” replied Madeleine’s mum Val. “Until she died, yeah,” said Garth. Just when you thought conversation couldn’t get anymore captivating, Nathaniel said his favourite moment from the wedding was “the food” before revealing that it gave him the squits. Be still my beating guinea pig heart.

3. Kara and Michael

Kara signed up to MAFSNZ because she had dated every man over six foot in her region, and couldn’t get any of the big Gallipoli guys at Te Papa to text her back. Michael is a rhinestone-sunglasses wearing, Rasputin beard-having breathwork specialist and auctioneer, who was on The Apprentice Aotearoa and is, mercifully, over six feet tall. He’s so in tune with the universe that god even shone upon his forehead when he was discussing his spirituality.

Michael professed to his bride that he wanted to “create a space for you to flourish in your exquisite feminine flow, bring forth your queen energy”. Kara was slightly less florid in her prose: “if he’s six foot six and built like a brick shithouse, put a ring on it.” If her legendary dad Al, a former detective with a deep disdain for Married at First Sight is anything to go by, Kara will not be one to mince her words on camera. 

While Kara was left to unpack her feelings with her bridesmaid about Michael’s poker-straight beard – “it’s just hair, it’s not the be all and end all” – his groomsmen had other concerns. “I wonder if she’ll let you guide her through a re-birth,” he posited. These two have arrived on MAFSNZ from totally different universes, and I wish Michael all the best when he is arrested by Detective Al for attempting to re-birth his daughter on national television.

2. Samantha and James

She’s a mum looking for a man who is good with kids and has an accent. He is a primary school teacher from the cor blimey United Kingdom. He has self-esteem issues and used to not be able to look at the mirror when he was brushing his teeth. She is a content creator who knows her way around self-confidence and a ring light. No wonder a local dog was so jealous about this perfect match that he tried to rip off her veil on the way to the altar. 

On paper, these two look meant to be, but James’ location in Christchurch could be an insurmountable hurdle. “That’s not one place I ever want to live in,” Samantha muttered. It’s all good Samantha, I promise we have internet down here here too!

1. Stephanie and Piripi

Stephanie described dating in your 30s as playing musical chairs, “but suddenly everyone sat down and there’s no chairs left.” With her confidence issues and difficulty being vulnerable, there’s a lot of pressure on occasional “loose unit” Piripi to be the sturdy chair she so desperately seeks. A brewer from Hamilton with two kids and a penchant for moving tyres, Piripi got off to a rough start with producers for trying to neck an entire beer in three seconds. 

The unit loosened even more on his wedding day, unleashing two public urination sessions before goading his groomsmen to drink the fly that was in his beer for a protein hit. “He’s a boy’s boy” mused Stephanie. “I’m married: loose,” reflected Piripi. Despite their differences, I do feel hope for this couple. And as John Aiken said, we know for “a fact” that Married at First Sight works, so if things fall apart then the BSA WILL be hearing about this. 

HONOURABLE MENTIONS

This huge tray of Magnums

“I do.”

This perfect shot

Macklemore’s ‘Thrift Shop’ < Michaelmore’s ‘Pie Shop’

Married at First Sight NZ airs Sunday-Tuesday 7pm on Three or here on ThreeNow