Your daily rolling recap of Come Dine With Me NZ, serving up piping hot takes on New Zealand’s greatest social experiment. 

Welcome to Come Dine With Me Daily, The Spinoff’s hub for all things Come Dine With Me NZ. We’ll be updating this post throughout the week as the show plays out, providing you with a denser dining experience than Eds’ rock hard banoffee pie.

Seen something weird on the show that you’d like to see included? Tweet @TheSpinoffTV and we’ll add your flavourful contributions into this simmering recap stew.

Day Five: Dirk’s Lament

It’s the final day, and we are led down a leafy grove to Dirk’s Den. It’s movie night tonight, and Dirk has taken on the role of Paranoid Schizophrenic in Morpheus glasses:

As for the food, his starter was a green and brown quiche which Philby absolutely adored:

Dirk’s cats took centre stage tonight, parading across the benches and making contact from beyond the grave. After Philby and Lily discovered cat ashes in Dirk’s bedroom, things took a very dark turn. Not only did Dirk forget to make the thrice cooked chips, he was so shattered by the memories of his dead cat that he openly wept at the table:

The night ended with Dirk dropping cream onto Prahba’s head, and Philby suggesting that he could lick it off later. That is not the Batman vs Superman reboot that I was hoping for.

At the end of the week, Bland Queen Lily came away with the major dosh. Congratulations, may you buy a wealth of potatoes with your winnings.

Day Four: Come Tinder With Me

Philby’s turn this time, lucky he didn’t get too drunk too early and drop all of his lemons straight away. At least he’s wearing a good trilby:

This was the flirtiest episode yet. Dirk whipped out a pick-up line out of nowhere and tried it on Prahba:

Prahba flirted with the Polynesian fire dancers:

And Lily flirted with death due to starvation due to her hating all food outside of a potato:

Day Three: Tabea Reveals German Dwarf Ritual and Philby Goes Ball-Crazy

We’re at vlogger and potato merchant Lily’s house tonight, and she’s got the world’s blandest meal in store. “I like nice, bland food,” she explains, “just normal flavours.” Can’t go past a big ol’ splash of normal jus to really make a dish sing. Of course, the night couldn’t have been less normal.

First up mate, there’s nothing normal about you 420 blazing it with this huge burnt beetroot tinny:

Nothing normal about how Tabea brought crime scene cleaning products with her:

Or revealing her weird dwarf-based superstitions:

Nothing normal about Prahba eating fashionable oxygen for dinner:

The only thing that stayed consistent all night was Philby’s unwavering commitment to making dirty jokes about balls. And looking a lot like Frankie Stevens without his hat on:

Day Two: Saucy Portraits and Dirk’s Damn Dance Moves

It was over to Blockhouse Bay for Prahba’s turn to delight and entertain our guests for a night. An especially good outing for 19 year-old Lily, who only likes bland food (potatoes) and despises Indian flavours. Prahba’s not bothered though, she’s far too busy pondering the meaning of her own existence:

Although she promised a “food orgasm” from her three courses, the long hair weaved throughout the dishes was a real boner-killer. Things pepped up slightly when the group engaged in some traditional Indian dancing in her lounge. Dirk flipped out with some killer dance moves (killer as in he’s a murderer), which felt as surprising as it did dangerous:

Meal of the ep: Prahba’s Famous S*** Kebabs

“It looks just like a number two,” Prahba beamed proudly.

Piece of art of the ep:

Trust Prahba to season with human hair, make fake fecal kebabs and free the nipple all in one go. / AC

Day One: Rock Hard Buns and an Eyeful of Wax

This week kicks off a Tabea’s house, a German part-time Super Yacht waitress who prides herself on being all class. I think it was Yves Saint Laurent  who once said “Fashion fades, cat ears are eternal.”

She is joined by Philby, who works in retail and is deeply horrified by non-alcoholic beverages:

Prabha, owner of the world’s best laugh and part time power pole dancer:

Dirk, the 31 year-old swordsman who could well have killed half the crew already with his weaponry collection:

and Lily, the young aspiring actress who loves going HAM for potatoes:

The highlight of the episode was Tabea’s insistence on serving all three courses on anything but a plate. The starter came in jars, the cabbage-schnitzel (?) main came on a cork place mat and the dessert came in individual baking trays. This is peak pintrest chaos, and there is nowhere else for us to go. Unless someone’s hosts their whole dinner inside a giant jam jar.

Meal of the ep: The fruity salad was sparse salad leaves in a jar scattered with dried cranberries, accompanied with smaller jar full of dressing. And a rock hard bun from the motherland, just to keep things cute.

Quote of the ep: “It smells like ass… It tastes like Rotorua” – Philby, after sampling a special German spice.

Injury of the ep: Dirk blew a flaming napkin into Lily’s eye across the dinner table. Sorry, picnic table. High potential for blindness, and merely a taste of the violence Dirk is yet to unleash. / AC