Yes, the capital’s having a shithouse summer, but there are plenty of reasons to look on the bright side, says Emily Writes.

The world-famous Routeburn Track will be closed for the “foreseeable future” and Milford Track is staying shut for at least a few more weeks after terrible storms hit the south. Mataura, Gore, Wyndham and Balclutha were evacuated, with some homes under water, and farms in Southland and south Otago are damaged. The town of Mataura is really suffering.

It’s a grim warning about climate change. And we need to rally to support those who really need it. Not us Wellingtonians who, frankly, should be used to wearing a coat in February.

In other parts of New Zealand it’s apparently sunny and hot. Real hot. I say apparently because I live in Wellington. And for most of January, the capital was cloudy, windy and kind of shit. Meteorologist Andy Best told Stuff that a “blocking high” was stopping the sun from coming out. So far, the hottest it has been all summer was 22 degrees Celsius on January 6. Shithouse. There’s no denying it.

BUT – you need to look on the bright side even if the skies are, well, grey. And I mean look out the window (at 10.45am). It’s sunny.

Oh, it’s not sunny now? OK, well it was.

Grab your jacket – here’s 10 reasons why you should be happy that the windy city has been windy and shitty.

1. If it was too sunny, we might not appreciate the half hour that it is sunny.

This city is just teaching us to be grateful and to cherish every moment. In other parts of the country they’re just used to 30 degrees. We haven’t had that since December 26, 2015. So when it’s hot, we’re rejoicing. We’re doing what you’re meant to be doing when it’s hot – flinging ourselves into the sea.

OK, we’re not actually flinging ourselves into the sea. Because the sea around Wellington is chockfull of faecal matter. And that’s my number two (literally)…

2. It’s good it’s not too hot because if it was we’d all be puking our guts out after getting gastro from the water.

Right now there are five trucks carrying shit every hour, 24 hours a day, from Moa Point to the dump. And while this seems shit, it’s not as shit as where the shit was going before, which was right into our beach. Wellington Water took warning signs down at my local beach, but resident Eugene Doyle and the heroes of Ōwhiro Bay Residents Association (not to be confused with the Island Bay Residents Association, the ones who can’t focus on anything but the fact that The Parade is slightly less wide – yes, this is what you focus on when you have too much money) have been on the case. They informed the community that the official poo reading at the Ōwhiro Stream outlet on February was 3900 colony-forming units of enterococci bacteria. The maximum safe level is 280. Weeeee! This is all after it took the better part of a week to halt “the daily flow of an Olympic-sized pool of sewage into Wellington Harbour“.

3. If it was hot all the time we couldn’t insufferably say “You can’t beat Wellington a good day!” to each other.

That’s part of who we are. We literally can’t not say it. It’s like a vocal tick you just get if you’ve lived here for more than three years.

4. Who needs heat anyway when you have a museum with a squid in it?

Excuse me, we might not have good weather ever but we have other stuff that’s inside. Like a giant squid. And… you can see where they made The Thunderbirds and we have a fucking incredible capybara breeding programme, so much so that we’re sending our capys to Sydney to knock up other capys. And… there’s a giant squid.

5. Have you seen what has been happening in the south? In Australia?

Stop being such an asshole, do you hate koalas or something? Towns are under water dude. Yeah, that’s right. Be quiet.

6. At least we don’t have traffic – oh fuck, now we do actually, so ignore this one.

But I’m sure our mayor Peter Jackson will fix it. Given he probably uses a helicopter to fly over us peasants on our bikes. Oh wait – that’s the bright side! You’re stuck inside your car when it’s windy. Wellington City Council, in the second week of January, had “473 places around the city and suburbs where road cones were out and motorists could expect to slow, detour, or be delayed”, according to Stuff. That vote for celebrity over city progress was so worth it! Don’t worry, you can always jump on a bus… Haha! Just joking.

7. It’s so windy you can’t smell the poo trucks and when our new mayor digs up dump sites to build on them we probably won’t smell it as bad.

I mean building on landfill – what could go wrong?

8. If you’re a goth it’s quite nice.

I can wear black all year round, which is perfect, because why would you wear anything other than black?

OK I don’t have anything for 9.

But I committed so we probably need to stick to 10.

Oh wait!

Netflix! You can guilt-free stay inside all summer and watch TV because there is no summer.

In any case, I did go for a swim yesterday though so it’s not all bad… shit I have to go –