Here’s how to avoid being a pain in the arse while you’re swimming.

With summer just around the corner and school holidays in full swing, your local pools have probably been busier than usual. Whether you’ve decided to start training for a triathlon, shred for summer, or take up swimming just for the hell of it, there are some fundamental rules that even the most unscrupulous humans should follow. Take heed. 

I’m keen to start swimming at my local pool. How do I not embarrass myself?

For lap swimming, most pools have lanes labeled “fast,” “medium,” “slow,” and “walking/fun.” While everyone’s idea of these speeds are different, it’s important to choose the lane that best suits your pace to avoid frustrating other users. If you’re taking it easy, the slow lane is the place for you. Just jumping in to cool down quickly? Hit the walking lane. But if you’re a regular swimmer aiming to swim a kilometre in 15 minutes, wearing speedos and swim cap, the fast lane is where you belong.

Do I need to do anything before jumping in?

Showering before entering the pool is a great way to show consideration for your fellow pool users. You might have just had a workout, be cooling down after a sauna, or maybe you just worked a hard shift – whatever it is that’s made you stink, rinsing off the sweat and grime before swimming ensures the pool stays as clean as possible. Also, avoid strong perfumes or lotions as these can contaminate the pool water and bother others with allergies or sensitivities.

Speaking of showering, if you’re using one of the showers outside of the changing rooms, don’t hog it for five minutes while people queue up behind you. These showers are for a quick rinse only. Oh, and don’t spit in them or blow your nose gunk out onto the ground either.

Can I swim in a baggy T-shirt?

While I’m not usually one to dictate what people wear, it does pay to think about what you’re swimming in for public decency reasons. Not only does snug, functional attire like speedos or a one-piece allow for efficient movement and reduce drag, it helps you avoid malfunctions mid-swim so you can keep the environment family-friendly. 

If you still want to cover up your top half, spend a few bucks on a cheap rash shirt. Following pool guidelines on appropriate wear helps maintain a comfortable and respectful space for everyone.

All the lanes have people in them. Can I still swim?

Pools can be notoriously busy places, especially after work hours. The first thing to do is look at the pace of the people already swimming. If they’re going at a similar pace to yours, hop in.

If you’re joining an already occupied lane, make sure the swimmers are aware of your presence. A simple awkward smile, hand gesture, or verbal acknowledgement goes a long way in keeping things smooth and ensuring you don’t get hit in the face by someone powering down the middle of the lane because they didn’t know you were there.

Me and my mates are keen to throw a ball around or lounge out on our giant inflatable banana, that’s all good eh?

It depends on where you’re doing it. If you’re sitting in the spa, it’s a good idea to adopt a passive relaxation mindset. If you’re in the fun lane of a big pool, it’s probably fine to throw a ball around, as long as there’s no one nearby that might accidentally cop a stray volley or rugby ball to the dome.

While having fun is important, excessive splashing can be annoying when others are trying to relax – try to keep it to a minimum when you’re near people chilling or trying to swim peacefully. 

Large inflatable toys can take up a lot of space, so if you’re using them, make sure you’re not crowding out others. If the pool gets too busy, it might be a good idea to remove them to free up space.

The pool is closed due to a “code brown”, what is that?

I regret to inform you that someone has vomited or shat in the water. Children can understandably have difficulty controlling their bowel motions, so if you’re a parent with young children, please use a swim nappy or take the kids to the bathroom before letting them loose. 

But if you’re able to read this story, you’re probably old enough to recognise when you need to excuse yourself from the pool to answer nature’s call. Do not, I repeat, do not do a sneaky piss in the water.

I’m keen to pop a manu. That all good?

Some pools have designated areas especially for diving or bombing, but if in doubt, check with a lifeguard. If diving is allowed, always check the area before jumping in to make sure no one is nearby and that the pool is deep enough. In crowded pools, it’s usually best to avoid diving altogether. Sorry.