Love, actually, at 52: 'We've both recently had diagnoses of neurodivergence... which explains a lot'

'This is a huge step towards better understanding and accomodating each other.'

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Age: 52

Gender: Woman

Sexuality: Straightish

Ethnicity: Pākehā

Religion: Atheist

Occupation: Translator

Length of relationship: 29 years romantically plus five years as friends before that.

Children: We have two adult children, now living in a different city. Both are recent graduates struggling in pretty dire job and rental markets, so still needing a bit of moral and financial support.

How we met: We met through mutual friends at university and quickly became close friends. He knew he wanted something more from pretty early on, but it took me a few years to realise my feelings for him were becoming romantic. Moving from friends to lovers was quite scary - I had to be fully committed from our first kiss or risk losing my person.

The best thing about my relationship: He's my best friend. No matter where we are, it feels like home if we're together.

A problem we can't seem to resolve: There's a pattern of miscommunication when emotions are running high, and we sometimes inadvertently hurt the other's feelings quite badly. We've both recently had diagnoses of neurodivergence (ADHD for me, autism and ADHD for him) which explains a lot - this is a huge step towards better understanding and accomodating each other.

This is how we share/separate our finances: Almost all money that comes in goes into the joint account, then we each get a set amount of no-discussion-needed spending money. Household expenses come out of the joint account as does anything our personal spending money doesn't cover, subject to a discussion. Between time spent as a full time parent and chronic illness/disability I have no way to match his earning potential, so combining finances is the only fair way to manage.

This is how we split chores and childcare: We try to be as equitable as possible, though the balance shifts with circumstances. When I was the at-home parent more obviously fell to me, though evening and weekend tasks and childcare were split as close to 50/50 as we could. Currently some health issues mean I can do very little around the house, which is frustrating for me and puts an unfair load on him when he's working long hours. We're looking into hiring some household help, which should take some pressure off.

Our sex life in three words: Joyful, loving, precious.

The thing that makes me a good partner: I work really hard to understand the other person - to see what they need, where they are coming from and what motivates them.

The thing I need to work on to be a better partner: I struggle with emotional regulation and have a remarkable talent for leaping to the worst possible interpretation of things he says.

What I most appreciate in my partner: I really appreciate the way he accepts me exactly as I am and is completely unfazed by how the changes in my health affect what I can bring to the relationship.

What I most resent in my relationship: I resent the differences in power/status that come with health, gender and earning power. He would never exercise that power against me, but the fact that he can choose in ways I can't rankles deeply.

The thing that has changed the most about my relationship over time: The thing that has changed most is the erosion of the need to keep up appearances - the absolute mortification of the first time I had a new-relationship UTI versus our current comfort with checking out each other's rashes and weird body things.

It would surprise people to know this about my relationship: That we both can still get really insecure and there are wounds from a long-ago rough patch that we are still working on healing. (No one did anything unforgivable, but an avalanche of outside stressors almost tore us apart.)

Our last big fight was about: I'm not even sure - it will have been me getting deeply in my feelings after a miscommunication.

If I hadn't met my partner: I can't even imagine. We were very young when we got together and up until then I hadn't really pictured myself settling down with anyone. I had a track record of high-drama relationships that burned fast and bright, and I suspect I'd have continued along that way into some pretty unhealthy situations.

I expect my relationship to last until: We die.

My relationship advice is: Nothing beats a solid basis of friendship. You shouldn't be in a hurry to settle down, but when you do it's important to actually like each other, respect each other, and to share the most important values.