Love, actually, at 34: A long distance queer relationship with 'horny but patient' sex
'I'm terrible at being romantic in a relationship'
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Age: 34
Gender: Non-binary
Sexuality: Queer. People tell me I'm pansexual, but there's been periods of my life where I've definitely had far more crushes on one gender. Gender can be sexy - it's a big part of what I'm attracted to.
Ethnicity: Pākehā
Religion: Atheist
Occupation: Government worker
Length of relationship: Six months
Children: Nada
How we met: Through a friend
The best thing about my relationship: We support each others' dreams (or even the exploration of what on earth is my dream?! I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up). And we're patient with each other.
A problem we can't seem to resolve: Accepting help from each other. We're both horrifically independent and dare I say avoidant.
This is how we share/separate our finances: We live separately in different cities, with entirely separate finances. Any big purchases (eg holidays) are 50/50, and smaller things like grabbing takeaways or an uber are approached with a "I'll get this one, you get the next one" attitude.
This is how we split chores and childcare: When we visit we just help do things. There hasn't been any active discussion over who does what, but so far there hasn't needed to be. Knock on wood that stays the same and neither of us drops the ball!
Our sex life in three words: Horny but patient.
The thing that makes me a good partner: I like seeing people achieve their dreams. That, and I'm pretty direct about what I need and good at asking what someone else does. I think a lot of relationship issues happen when people can't safely share what they need or hear what someone else does.
The thing I need to work on to be a better partner: Small romantic gestures. I'm great at showing up to see a friend with flowers, but terrible at being romantic in a relationship. I have a knee jerk reaction to it, but I'm working on it.
What I most appreciate in my partner: They do small acts that show they've thought of me. Stocking drinks I like when I visit, buying a heater when it got cooler because I've mentioned I struggle in the cold. I may have a knee-jerk reaction to big romantic gestures, but these small ones mean the world to me.
What I most resent in my relationship: Distance. Nothing is worse than knowing they've had a terrible day and not being able to go over and give them a cuddle.
The thing that has changed the most about my relationship over time: My sense of security. It's still not there 100% but I've learned to stop trying to find reasons this won't work. Either it will, or it won't. I don't need to pull the rip-cord just because it might not.
It would surprise people to know this about my relationship: I asked for us to be official.
Our last big fight was about: How something was worded.
If I hadn't met my partner: I'd be living overseas already.
I expect my relationship to last until: Fuck knows. Hopefully a while - I like them.
My relationship advice is: Be direct about your non-negotiable needs. Either someone can meet them, or they can't. Similarly either you can meet theirs or you can't. It's not worth waiting around hoping someone will magically figure them out.
