Found yourself with a whole extra day on your hands and no idea what to do with it? Let us look to Queen Elizabeth’s own royal schedule for inspiration.
Normally we can see public holidays coming a mile away, but today’s special one-off Queen Elizabeth II Memorial Day has arrived faster than a piece of papal papyrus falling to a church floor. If you’ve found yourself with a day off today and are wondering how to fill these extra hours in a respectful yet productive manner, look no further than the hallowed timetable of Queen Elizabeth II herself. Consulting with academic resources such as US Weekly and something called Finty, I have assembled this thrilling schedule of royal activities for your day.
7.30am You may have wanted to honour the Queen by having a sleep-in, but it’s time to get your ass up, fake Queen. Channel her majesty by listening to the Today programme on BBC Radio 4 for a couple of minutes. Of course, the timing is all skew-whiff here so instead why not listen to Today FM? It’s a public holiday so who knows who they’ll have filling in for Tova.
8.00am Queen, it’s time for your bath. The bathwater must be precisely 17.78 centimetres deep and must be checked with a wooden-cased thermometer to ensure that it is not too hot and not too cold. If you don’t have a bath, I suggest you fill a bucket and stand in it, nude, while thinking about the Queen. It’s what she would have wanted.
8.15am Dress in your outfit that has previously been arranged by your royal dresser named Angela. I do not have a royal dresser named Angela, so I asked Real Housewives of Auckland star and “fashion educator” Angela Stone for some advice. “Wearing a skirt suit with a matching hat is a wonderful way to honour the Queen and her beautiful sense of style. Blues, pinks and bright yellows and oranges are all colours Her Majesty was known to wear,” she wrote in an email. “If you’re seeking a more subtle reference, a layered pearl necklace with matching earrings, or an elegant brooch, will do the trick.”
8.25am While sipping a cup of Earl Grey tea (cold milk, no sugar, preferably Twinings), admire your outfit in your dressing room that features three floor-to-ceiling mirrors. If you don’t have mirrors, I suggest you use tinfoil. If you don’t have Earl Grey tea, the Queen is probably going to haunt you sorry.
8.30am Move through to your dining room (if you don’t have a dining room may I suggest a large cardboard box) to enjoy your breakfast. The Queen was a fan of a continental breakfast including yoghurt, marmalade toast and a bowl of Special K. So far, so good, so shimmying around in a red swimsuit. But she also loved fish, and had allegedly been “partial to kippers” since the war years. Smoked haddock will also suffice. Do you love your Queen or not?
9.00am Time to listen to the bagpipes for 15 minutes and reminisce about your much-loved estate in the Scottish Highlands. If you do not have a personal piper, here’s a rousing traditional tune I found on YouTube. If you do not have an estate in the Scottish Highlands, here’s my favourite Scottish-themed fridge magnet for you to reflect upon. I, for one, have chills.
9.30am I know this is a public holiday, but it’s time to get to work. Her majesty used to begin work in her office at 9.30am and work for two hours, beginning with a briefing on global events from her press secretary. Some might say this is actually a great opportunity to become a Spinoff Member, which includes a free weekly World Bulletin, and allow us to be your secretary.
Once you’ve caught up on the goings-on of the entire world, it’s time for paperwork. I don’t really know what paperwork means in this context, so my suggestion is to do this quiz about the life of the Queen, this quiz about how well your know your Kings and this quiz about what kind of Corgi you would be (I’m a Cardigan Welsh Corgi). Check your mailbox for any correspondence from the government (local election voting papers, ACC bill).
11.30am It’s time for you to meet with outgoing or incoming foreign dignitaries in the Audience Room of the Palace. I don’t know any foreign dignitaries or have an Audience Room of the Palace, so my suggestion would be to go on ChatRoulette for two hours and see what happens.
1.30pm You’ve made it to lunch, my fake Queen. Make sure you begin by knocking back a gin and Dubonnet cocktail, just as Liz did most days. Then prepare yourself an impeccably presented meal of either grilled fish or chicken with some greens such as wilted spinach or steamed courgette. All vegetables must be of equal size. You must eat alone. Happy holidays.
2.30pm It’s time to get into the great outdoors and enjoy a long leisurely stroll with your corgis. Don’t have a corgi? Tie a shoelace to a big bread roll, nobody will know the difference. Make sure you bring a purse with you, and make sure that purse contains a portable hook and a bag of blood because that’s just your normal Queen business.
4.00pm Apparently every day at 4pm, the Queen would kick back for 30 minutes and read the Racing Post. Maybe you could go to the TAB or something?
4.30pm You’ve earned yourself a tea break, including another cuppa of Earl Grey, sandwiches sans crusts, scones with cream and jam and a slice of Dundee fruit cake. You might also indulge in some raspberries, a favourite of the Queen but ONLY to be eaten in PRIVATE.
5.00pm Return to your office for another hour or so of paperwork and opening fan mail (third cervical smear reminder from doctor).
6.30pm Ring the prime minister. Realise you don’t have Jacinda Ardern’s number. Google “ring jacinda ardern”. Spend some time looking at photos of Jacinda Ardern’s rings. Spend even longer looking at this photo of Clarke Gayford’s ring.
8.00pm Dinner time, and the living is easy. You’re going to want a silver tray (hope you saved that tinfoil from earlier!) to present your meal, which has ideally been provided from your royal stocks. Will it be fresh fish from Sandringham (The Fish & Chip Shop)? Venison from Balmoral (Cazador)? Depressing gloop from the freezer because you were too busy at the TAB doing your royal duties all afternoon to go to the supermarket? Who can say. Who. Can. Say.
9.00pm The good news is that the Queen loved to watch television. The bad news is that she mostly loved Emmerdale, Coronation Street and Eastenders. If Downton Abbey and Doctor Who are more your thing, she approves of those too. And X Factor. But don’t you dare watch The Crown.
11.00pm Time for lights out, but not before writing a page in your diary and perhaps indulging in a spot of light reading. Goodnight, my queen.