We can’t always be in the safety of our own home when Brown Town hits. But we can always be courteous to other toilet users.
The Spinoff guide to life is an occasional series offering etiquette tips for living in Aotearoa.
We live in a society with certain unspoken rules and expectations. Almost none are as shrouded in shame as those surrounding poo, so many of us have gotten to adulthood without a clear understanding of what it means to be someone that has to shit in public sometimes.
I’ve noticed with increasing alarm that toilet etiquette has gone down the toilet. Walking into a shared bathroom should not be a tense moment where I’m anticipating seeing someone else’s poo, activating my flight or freeze response. But I‘ve seen too many skid marks to feel safe. Enough.
This etiquette guide is for all toilets that aren’t yours and yours alone. Work toilets, public toilets, cafe toilets, friends’ toilets, and shared flat toilets. Everyone has different poo needs and outcomes, so I cannot possibly cover every scenario, but the spirit of the guide should be applied universally. Its essence: imagine your crush is going to use the toilet after you – would this ruin your chances?
Can I leave a skiddie or two?
Leaving shit smears is in no way acceptable, ever. The next person does not need to know what you’ve done in there. Skiddies are simply disgusting and TMI. A toilet should be left pristine for the next user.
Sometimes we’re in a bit of a pickle because there’s no toilet brush. In that scenario, I would suggest a double or triple flush. If you have foresight, you can lay down a bit of toilet paper in the bowl to poo on top of, reducing the chances of making skiddies in the first place. Sometimes we’re worried about the cleanliness of the toilet brush handle (fair) but again toilet paper is your friend, use it as a sort of glove. You should always flush after brushing, too.
What if it stinks?
It’s unfortunate, but I don’t think there’s much you can do apart from cracking a window. Sprays don’t really work: they only mix the smell of poo with overly sweet, artificial flower scents, which some consider worse than pure poo. You can wash your hands with copious amounts of soap as an alternative to air freshener, but this only does so much. Putting the lid down to flush might work a tiny bit, but isn’t worth risking contact with the lid.
If you’ve just bombed the loo and someone is heading in just as you’re exiting, gold star etiquette is to muster up the courage to say, “mate, I’d give it a while”.
What is the polite thing to do about sound?
If you are doing a particularly shameful poo in a flimsy cubicle, you could try to wait till other people are not around. Otherwise, swallow your pride. Everyone poos and we know you do, too.
There’s a closed door but I’m not sure if the cubicle is occupied
You can give the door a firm push and say, “is anyone in here?” Under no circumstances should you rattle the door or bang at it (open or closed fist). Do not try to peek in!
What shall I do with the lid?
There are not many things that have me quivering in my boots like walking into a toilet cubicle with the lid down. You’re trapped in a tiny enclosed space with a monster waiting to be revealed under a thin plastic sheet. Worse, when you leave the site, it’s going to look like you made the monster, when actually you’re innocently running away.
I no longer go into lid-down toilet cubicles. I understand that some people pop the lid down before flushing to keep the splashes at bay, and that I can get behind. But can you please lift it back up after the flush is done?
Can I multitask by checking emails while I shit?
You’re not actually multitasking, you’re just taking longer in the toilet than you need to and getting poo particles on your phone. Let your poo distract you from your screen.
How long is too long?
Some people do take the piss when using shared toilets, and I suspect they’re the “multitaskers”. If you’re in there a while but you’re just doing the thing it’s intended for, you’re fine. There’s no need to rush through a poo; let nature take its course in due time.
What if there’s a queue?
Stand in it. Hold in your farts. Do not pull any tricks. Like giving up your seat on a bus, consider that elderly and pregnant people simply don’t have the same physical abilities to hold things in. Patience is a virtue. Think about other things, like that time you jumbled up division in front of the whole maths class in high school.
What if there’s a queue at the women’s and the men’s is empty?
It is fine to go into the men’s as long as you call out first, “is anyone in here? I’m coming in!” If someone starts peeing at the urinal while you’re in the cubicle, you will have to wait for them to finish. While it’s acceptable to use the men’s if the women’s is full, its benefits are minor and somewhat overshadowed by potential inconveniences.
I used all the toilet paper…
You should try not to do this because there are certain dangers associated with using screeds of TP (see below) and because other people need toilet paper too. If you do need to finish the roll – because no one should be walking around with a poo-y bum – and there’s someone waiting to go after you, let them know. You don’t need to say, “I selfishly used all the TP”; you can go for, “there’s no toilet paper left in this one.” If there are loose toilet paper rolls nearby, please, put them in the cubicle.
Omg I blocked it!
Alert the authorities.