We review the entire country and culture of New Zealand, one thing at a time. Today we present an excerpt from the e-notes of Lucrecia the Arm Flapper, dated 2189, third quarter of the holy Stocktake Clearance, as discovered by José Barbosa.

“And so, on the fourth day after our sloop was destroyed by the two horned beast on the banks of the river, we came upon a clearing. ‘Twas a fitting place to spend some time to rest, to tend our wounds and mourn the loss of our low cost dinner set and range of comfortable and inexpensive trouser range.

It was Malachi the Odious Perspirer who noticed it first. And on seeing it water started pouring from the inside of his knees. Placed onto a slender pole and raised high above the head of mortal man was an ancient structure. White and bold, and containing strange symbols and three mystical triangles, it surely was a grand sight in what had proven to be drab and some would say miserable surroundings.

Walter the Curtain Twitcher shuddered and turned away from the ancient structure, abashed by its power. Susan the Loud Eater dropped to her knees in supplication, chewing some crackers intensely. Thus it was I who scaled the silent sentinel, reaching the top quickly. And I gazed into what promised a more than adequate range across all general merchandise.

The symbols I could not decipher, but I sounded them out. Deee. Eee. Cay. Aaahh.

Dee.

Eee.

Cay.

Aaahh.

The group started chanting, as we felt the accumulating discounts translate into sizable savings for a financial year.

Dee.

Eee.

Cay.

Aaahh.

I reached the shabby and drab ground. I looked into the eyes of my party, we who had been lured south in search of a no fuss shopping experience.

“How do you feel?” asked Rags the Nosy.

I blinked twice and cried out: “I feel good.”

Good or bad? Ye shall find excellent customer service.

Verdict: Make the pilgrimage.

Image by Russell Street

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