Alex Casey speculates as to the meaning of the single white rose, a new addition to The Bachelor NZ as it enters its third season this Sunday.
Some intriguing Bachelor NZ news has rippled through the internet this morning like a fart on a pristine beach: they are introducing a mysterious white rose to the proceedings. Touted to be handed out during the first cocktail party, all we know about The White Rose is that it promises to “drum up the tension.” But what does it all meeeaaan??
According to Spy, previous uses for The White Rose in The Bachelor Australia include immunity from rose ceremonies, a sanctioned date crash or guaranteed VIP access, which sounds like a weird and underwhelming Max Key scenario. But we’ve never really played along with international franchise trends (sometimes we forget the final rose altogether), so here are some more viable things that the mystery rose could represent on The Bachelor NZ.
It’s a subversive protest against Donald Trump
Who says The Bachelor NZ can’t be political? First Chrystal wearing the flag bikini, now this?!
It’s an offer of friend(zone)ship
Several have observed through gentle tears and hurt feelings that receiving a white rose clearly means you’ve been friend-zoned. If that’s what it is, welcome to the friend-zone in front of approximately 100,000 people, not including streaming after broadcast. We hope you enjoy your stay.
It’s an invitation to visit historic Yorkshire
Where last season the women were enthralled to visit The Hilton Hawaii and hula dance alone in a roped-off area in the backyard, The White Rose is a symbol for the House of York, and therefore Yorkshire as a whole. As we all know, there is nothing more romantic than a pile of piping hot yorkie pudds. Bon voyage.
It’s an opportunity to hear a lovely Cornish folk song
When a woman accepts The White Rose, Zac wheels out Tiki Taane, still trapped in the barn from Natalie’s date in season one, to sing this iconic Cornish ditty accompanied by Mike Puru on the maracas:
“I love the White Rose in its splendour
I love the White Rose in its bloom
I love the White Rose so fair as she grows.
It’s the rose that reminds me of you.
You’re fair as the spring, oh my darling
Your face shines so bright, so divine
The fairest of blooms in my garden
Oh lily white rose, you are mine”
It’s an invitation for grisly murder
In a dark fairytale twist inspired by the Alice in Wonderland song ‘Painting the Roses Red’, the woman gifted The White Rose must make hers red by the end of the night via human sacrifice at the foot of ancient shaman Dominic Bowden. Call Daniel Day-Lewis, because there will be blood.
It’s a get out of mansion free card
Anticipating the hilarious Bachelor NZ tradition of a slew of women saying “yeah, nah” during the first cocktail party, Zac picks the most dejected looking contestant and gives her a way out early so she can catch the last night bus home.
It’s brought to you by Colgate Optic White Anticavity Toothpaste©
Zac’s blinding, enormous, perfect gnashers are about as pristine as the white petals of a rose, so how can we be sure this isn’t some madcap attempt at product placement? Wake up sheeple.
The Bachelor NZ begins Sunday on Three at 7.30pm, for many ill-informed reality TV ramblings be sure to subscribe to The Real Pod on iTunes, or listen below