It’s week three on Married at First Sight NZ, and it’s going downhill faster than Ksenia in a minivan.
What a tremendous week on the greatest show on Earth. We got our first visit back to the big old brick commitment ceremony heaven in the sky, we got a lot of seaside drama, and we got to see inside the actual homes of our actual national forever-lovers. We also got to see what the lead guitarist from Zed is up to, in not one but TWO different locations. Set my soul on goddamn fire *eerie guitar picking*.
This week Married at First Sight NZ was also not afraid to touch on some trickier subjects as our couples threw open their windows, let down their hair and tossed their gorgeous plaits of personality down to us peasants waiting below. Tayler opened up about his use of preventative HIV medication Truvada, Dan revealed his experience with PTSD following the Christchurch earthquakes and Ottie wrestled with being a woman in her thirties who – gasp – doesn’t want kids.
Oh, and we also got a lot of interesting and telling breakfast insights. Let us begin.
6) Julia and Dave
Breakfast horoscope: Coffee pod with travel milk + straw
What it means: Here for a good time, not a long time. Also, kinda bad for the environment?
We’ve seen the same argument so many times already. She wants her own space and doesn’t feel attracted to him. He is clearly hurt by that but instead says inane things like “we are running out of coffee pods real fast,” and gets a new haircut to try and look like Sam Levi, the man his wife is spending more time with than him.
Sure, they had a fun surrender date where they jumped off the Sky Tower but… I’m afraid… I don’t these two can… Hackett….
Also, how weird is it to hear the term “metrosexual” bandied about like it’s 1999?! A big sticking point for Jules is that Dave really likes his skincare, which she thinks undermines his masculinity. Everyone knows that real men don’t use moisturiser, in fact they weather their dry skin into a husk so thick that it becomes an impenetrable shield for any wanton emotions that might try and spear them in the throat when they least expect it. It’s just science.
On the hometown dates, Dave tried to prove his masculinity by performing a drum solo in his dungeon and being the proud owner of not one, but TWO manly beanbags.
Alas, it was too little, too late. JuDa’s (ju-da-ah-ahs) week ended in a truly agonising and horrible seaside fight, where they finally addressed the elephant in the room – the lack of physical connection. That same elephant then trampled all over their hearts and mine, and I’m not sure if we will recover. This is honestly the worst Shrek reboot ever :(.
5) Wayne and Ksenia
Breakfast horoscope: Cheese and ham croissant
What it means: First of all: yum. Second of all: absolutely cooked. I think this about sums up Wayne and Ksenia’s relationship quite nicely. All the ingredients were there, looked good at first glance, but the longer you sit with it, the more charred and unpleasant the whole thing gets.
The week began with things looking up, as Ksenia finally found something she liked doing: playing on the playground. When you combine that with her passion for duck-feeding, things become more and more sinister. That’s right folks, I just feel like Ksenia might be the soul of a five year-old girl trapped in an adult body. “That’s you” she said, pointing to a big frog and then to Wayne. My primary school comedy queen.
During their surrender date, Wayne risked his life to take her for a driving lesson in the country, L-plates and all. I thought this was pretty thoughtful, and Ksenia did too. Besides, if Mark Vette can teach a dog to drive, then surely Wayne can teach a sentient onion? She laughed and laughed and laughed and things were looking better than ever for our unlikely duo.
Until they went to Wayne’s house, and this huge ominous clock on the wall foreshadowed their demise.
I’m sorry, but this is the biggest, weirdest clock I have ever seen in my whole damn life. Does timepiece enthusiast Sam Levi know about this? Does anyone care that Wayne is using a mug emblazoned with “shut up I’m a princess” on it? Is anyone still keeping tabs on how many times he’s worn those pizza socks? It’s all a bloody topsy turvy Lewis Carroll nightmare and that’s probably why he’s resorted to wearing his sunnies inside.
Where was I? Oh yeah, so things now seem to be falling apart in a big way. After Wayne’s mates didn’t see a spark with Ksenia, he called in the experts to sit on a serious couch, look at Ksenia seriously and say serious things like “you are confusing.” It would appear these two are on different planets, have completely different communication styles, and the symbolism of him being a race car driver and her not knowing how to drive has never been more poetic.
4) Gareth and Ottie
Breakfast horoscope: Baileys and dry toast, and maybe a Big Mac?
What does it mean: Chaos reigns supreme and, above all else, hail Satan.
These two are honestly both the demon barbers of reality TV Fleet Street. I’ve never really seen anyone like them before. So cool to enter into a televised social experiment and then refuse to give the experts, the producers or the audience a bloody inch of your emotions. What a mysterious, frustrating pair. We barely saw any of them for the first two episodes this week and, in the commitment ceremony, we finally saw why.
We got some deeper insight when the couple travelled to Gareth’s fruit-ruled town of Cromwell, where they were promptly greeted with one thousand throw pillows and the decaying bouquet from their wedding, hung over the marital bed to rot. “I’m sure it means something… special…” Ottie murmured from under her trucker cap.
Gareth’s parents loved Ottie which seemed to stress her out, because she’s not one for the family life and really doesn’t want children. Not even “a small child or a half child,” and that’s saying something. They travelled to her house in the underworld, and it was unsurprisingly laden with skulls, dead bugs and a candle shaped like a baby’s head that cries blood when you light it. Fetch me the Bailey’s for me scattered nerves, would ya?
Ottie introduced Gareth to her group of “circus freak” friends, who frankly just seemed like a bunch of stone cold legends who love a cold brew and a Ploughman’s platter. He botched up the night, though, saying something weird about dogs and loyalty which upset everybody.
PS: can Ottie’s dog and Yuki’s dog get married? Now THAT would be Three’s television night of the year. PPS: Here’s a pic of me reacting to this amazing fourth wall shattering moment:
3) Sam and Tayler
Breakfast horoscope: Smooth peanut butter toast and almond milk
What does it mean: That sort of bad, stuck to the roof of your mouth, cloying feeling of deep unease? That’s smooth peanut butter, and that’s also Sam and Tayler.
Tie me to a flying fox and hurtle my corpse through the Adrenalin Forest, it’s been an extremely hectic ride for the boys this week. They had a whole lot of fights this week: about Tayler’s bad ear, about Tayler not knowing what he eats for dinner, about Tayler not knowing what he wanted to do with his afternoon. For a guy who wears a hoodie that says PEACE on it, Sam sure knows how to kick off more than a few wars.
But shout out for keeping the peace with the sponsor, and giving us our first taste of unscripted Sodastream action. Of course it was the #influencer being the first to step up and represent that branded content. He’s on a journey, and that journey is… fizzy.
What else happened? Sam said that all the women on the show were dull, wept on the commitment couch about letting down his walls and then Tayler rated their relationship a jaw-dropping 9.4 out of 10. I get confused. It seems like they are always fighting, but then Tayler says he thinks Sam is best thing since penis pasta and Sam says Tayler is everything he could have ever asked for. I tell you who he seems to like more though…..
I don’t think these two are going to make it, but I know for a fact that Tayler swinging on a thing and singing “I came in like a wreeecking ball” is going to stand the test of time.
2) Monique and Fraser
Breakfast horoscope: Yummy cooked Kiwi brekko
What does it mean: Damn. This is the real deal. Little delectable hash bite things. Crispy bacon. Scrambled eggs. An exorbitant amount of toast. T-sauce. If that’s not two people on the cusp of maybe, kinda, sorta, eventually having feelings for each other, then I honestly don’t know what is.
I also want to talk about how Fraser pre-oils his steak in the packet rather than in the pan, but we simply don’t have time. The hometown dates this week were much more revelatory for Fraser than they were for Monique, who is still taking things much slower than he is. She’s worried that they don’t have the same sense of humour, I’m worried that her Mum was all cryptically “you have the exact same hair colour” like they are definitely siblings or at least cousins?
It was a sweet moment when Fraser praised Monique’s ability to be “considerate of other people’s emotions” and she got all shy. But then, he twerked. And then, we got to see his bedroom. I am beside myself. Not only about the fact that he doesn’t have a proper bed, but that his scummy little mattress thing was perfect ordained with a SILK KIMONO like a crime scene. And he has a shiny ass shirt in his wardrobe. And he still has that musical tie.
Long live Fraser.
I gotta say, there was no bigger bubble burst than when Fraser’s friend leaned over to Monique and asked “have you seen Fraser’s dick?” So intense. Arguably Three’s biggest night of television yet.
1) Yuki and Dan
Breakfast horoscope: Seems like these two just made a shitload of Carbonara every day. Aka: I predict a Yan baby by 2019.
If this was a game of Cluedo, I can confidently say that I’ve been killed by Yuki and Dan, under the cherry blossoms, with Zara the dog. This week we found out that Dan was fretting about moving in with Yuki because he’s used to the bachelor lifestyle of leaving the toilet seat up, cooking single serve, and laughing his fuckin’ ass off through the traumatic disaster epic Deep Impact.
While Yuki wept at the thought of a young Elijah Wood facing peril at the hand of an almighty meteor, Dan seemed proud of the fact that he guffawed all the way through. Here’s my question: what does it take Dan to stop laughing, if not the complete annihilation of large parts of civilisation? Absolute psychopath. I bet the guy doesn’t even use a keep cup. In other news, Yuki is terrified that everything is going too well.
As if these two weren’t already a powerhouse of “gnaaaaw” sounds, Yuki introduced us to her dog Zara. I would die for Zara. I’m not surprised that Zara had a little accident when Yuki finally came home. If Yuki walked into my house, I’d probably pee a little bit as well. It’s a match made in heaven, it’s a love meteor headed straight to our collective hearts. Even if it all falls apart, at least Dan got to flex his sparky muscles at the salon for that Zed guy.
Wow. Just wow. See you all next week.