Something’s crowning this Christmas, and it isn’t King Richard of Aldovia in his favourite tiara. Tara Ward looks at what Netflix’s new movie A Christmas Prince: A Royal Baby could mean for us all.
Yesterday Netflix announced they’re about to give birth to the third instalment in the legendary series A Christmas Prince, and I don’t know what your plans are in December, but I suggest you cancel them. There’s a bun in the royal oven, which makes this officially the Best Christmas Ever.
First we had A Christmas Prince and A Christmas Prince: The Royal Wedding, and now we can gird our loins for A Christmas Prince: The Royal Baby. The sweeping love affair between American journalist Amber (played by New Zealander Rose McIver) and her Aldovian squeeze King Richard is about to enter the wild world of parenthood, but first they have to sort out important royal stuff like a vanishing artefact, annoying visitors and an ancient curse.
Oh, this is going to be GOOD. And when I say good, I mean bad. If there are any Christmas miracles left, this will be another super cheesy, glorious beast of a Christmas Prince movie, with plots so predictable and scripts so cliched they will spark more joy than your Marie Kondo-ed knicker drawer. Yes, they’re schmalzy and ridiculous, but A Christmas Prince will warm your cold, dead heart no matter how hard you fight it. I don’t make the rules, but know this: cheese always wins, both in television and the buffet of life.
While The Royal Baby descends slowly down Netflix’s birth canal, I channelled my best Amber the Investigative Journalist to predict all the crazy things that could happen to Amber and Richard this Christmas.
- Amber realises she’s pregnant after she power chucks over visiting royalty, leading to threats of nuclear war that are only averted with trays of delicious meat jelly.
- Richard is shocked about the pregnancy, even though he and Amber have had stately unprotected sex every night since last Christmas.
- Amber has bizarre food cravings for pickles and hot dogs from her dad’s New York diner. Her dad travels all the way to Aldovia just to bring her a hot dog.
- Amber cries because she really loves hot dogs.
- Richard and Amber go to fancy antenatal classes where they learn nothing about giant nipples or pooing yourself during labour, because royalty.
- Amber laughs off the ancient curse, because she is a journalist who deals only in facts.
- Amber has several inexplicably batshit things happen to her.
- Amber becomes an irrational pregnant woman who 100% believes in the curse.
- It’s not Amber’s fault, it’s THE CURSE.
- Amber and Richard argue over how their baby should be raised because Amber wants it to have a regular childhood but Richard wants it to carry a sceptre at all times.
- Richard has a meltdown because the thought of looking after a tiny person gives him night sweats. Amber reassures him even though she’s the one getting up nineteen times a night to take a slash and is preparing to push another human out her royal hooha.
- There’s a snowfight and oh, how we laugh.
- Amber’s water breaks at the worst possible moment and Aldovia is washed away.
- Amber goes into labour alone in a big house in the woods during a snowstorm while a hungry wolf waits outside. Wait, that’s The Handmaid’s Tale.
- Richard is away on important royal business and completely unreachable even though he promised his phone would be fully charged and on at all times. Sort your shit out, Richard.
- In between contractions, Amber finds the missing 600 year old artefact but is now trapped in a secret cave inside the palace and nobody knows where she is.
- Amber digs her way out using a hot dog and a pickle.
- Aldovia faces the worst snowstorm in history, because even fictional realms do not escape climate change.
- There’s a mad dash to the hospital involving a taxi, or a sleigh, or a sleigh taxi.
- Someone says “It’s time” (hammer time, hopefully).
- Amber gives birth in a manger surrounded by cattle, who glare at her for staining all their hay.
- Richard arrives in the nick of (hammer) time but discovers he cannot stand the sight of blood.
- Richard faints and is licked awake by a cow. Cows! That’s Aldovia for you.
- Amber sneezes the baby out, because she is a Queen.
- The baby is perfectly clean and the size of a two year old and already fluent in four different languages. Its head does not look like a road cone.
- It’s a girl and the law is changed to allow women to rule, because Andovia is feminist now.
- The Queen of Genovia gifts the baby a Princess Diairies box set.
- Amber and Richard are a family and they fall in love all over again.
- The good people of Aldovia celebrate in the streets and I will cry.
- I swear never to watch this movie again.
- I will watch it again.
- I will cry.