Tara Ward delivers the power rankings for week four of The Bachelor NZ, as Moses Mackay’s search for love takes a dramatic turn.
Welcome back to another exhausting week of The Bachelor NZ, where our intrepid singleton Moses Mackay inched closer to deciding which woman he wants to be friends with the most. All of them! None of them! I can’t keep up and neither can Moses, even though this is week four and so far we’ve enjoyed 11 episodes of sweet, sweet nothing. There have been more paddleboards than pashes and more cheese platters than cheesy romance, and I have had enough.
I am Lydia, standing on the edge of a cliff, writing Moses’s name on a piece of fruit and lobbing it into the sea. I am Negin, leaving Moses hanging on a high five and I am Lana, visibly cringing as we mould a cup of misery on the pottery wheel of life. Things were so dire the women took to pashing sandwiches and licking plates to get some action, and the greatest group date was when the women drove through the KFC drive-thru. What a journey! What a moment! This love affair with The Colonel might be the best slow burn we’ll see all season.
It seems the women are also tiring of this wicked game. Devaney located the nearest exit and it looks like Chanel Excel is about to CTRL+ALT+DEL her way out of this shitshow as well. What if all the women decide to leave and the finale is just an hour of Moses offering his final rose to Art Green? Oh, how we’d laugh-cry, because this is exactly what could happen after Moses announced he might not choose anyone at the finale.
Hold onto your sides, because HAHAHAHAHA!!!! That Moses is such a trickster, and if he doesn’t pick a girlfriend at the end of this convoluted dance I will channel Annie and wrestle The Bachelor NZ franchise to the ground and smoosh its face into the floor until enough time passes for me to regret everything and then cling to its back and beg for forgiveness. That’s how healthy relationships work, right? Right.
Just jokes, because Moses is indeed feeling the pressure over choosing a lady friend, and if it takes him 11 episodes to swap saliva with one of these babes, then it’s fine. Does that mean that finding everlasting love in five weeks is an unrealistic expectation? Is the Pope Catholic, or is the Pope an opera singer eating chips in a Nelson art gallery during a one-on-one date?
Hard to know for sure, so let’s climb aboard the wobbly paddleboard of love and drift off into the rankings.
Devaney sent herself home because she wasn’t feeling anything for Moses, but my theory is she left because she heard the next group date would be a shitty talent quest where the women would need to publicly embarrass themselves to win 10 lousy minutes with The Bach. Full credit to Devaney, because knowing the perfect time to leave a party is a talent in itself.
Things looked hopeful for Negin when Moses chose her for a one-on-one date, but it was clear there was nothing romantic between the two. When Negin left Moses hanging on a high five, it summed up her experience on The Bachelor NZ: a lovely time, but no connection. Fly free Negin, fly free and eat all the frozen berries you want.
Lydia did not have a good week. She was hassled for not doing the dishes even though she was clearly putting dishwashing liquid on her make-up brushes, and she became so annoyed at not getting the one-on-one date that she wrote Moses’s name on an orange and hiffed it off a cliff. She also refused to take part in the talent quest, a smart move considering it is 2021 and women should not have to perform for a man to be considered worthy of his attention.
Also, Lydia threw the orange while wearing a classic Eeyore dressing gown, and had she not herself been thrown out of Moses’s own fruit bowl of romance, this would have given her #1 position in the rankings. Sad.
Lou found herself trapped in the friend zone when Moses decided their relationship could never be romantic. Listen, romance is overrated and what Moses really needs is someone who can eat a whole lemon without making a face or use Negin’s bikinis as an eye patch, and Lou ticks both those boxes. Goodbye Lou, I hope Moses sat on that random trampoline to think about his actions for a very long time.
THE FINAL FOUR
There’s a lot to say about Lana’s week, and most of it involves this strange thing that happened at the rose ceremony:
It’s not clear what Moses was up to, but it sounded like he said “Zorro” when he pressed his sweaty palm directly over Lana’s perfectly made-up face. Sure, why not, nothing else made sense this week. Lana sang her heart out in the talent quest and Moses took her on a one-on-one pottery date, where she was Demi Moore and he was Patrick Swayze and Lana reckoned the whole thing was “cringey”.
Cringey, as we live and breathe! These two lovebirds pressed their lips against a block of clay and immortalised their cringe forever, and if you tilt your head to the left and hum slightly into the wind as you look at this photo, you’ll hear the faint echo of one precious word: Zorro. Zorro. Zorro.
3) Chanel Excel
This week’s cliffhanger suggests Chanel Excel will wipe her cells and delete her rows and eliminate herself from the competition, and this must not stand. First, Warner Brothers must release the tapes of Chanel’s Excel-joke talent quest entry, because one Excel pun is never enough. Secondly, Chanel Excel is the best thing about this hectic KFC drive-thru to love, and anyone who says “ladies and gentlefullas” must not go gentlefulla into that good night.
I finally found proof that Shanae is putting all her eggs in one basket, but then again, once you go yoga paddleboarding and eat fruit on a beach with someone, can you ever go back? The answer is no, especially after you accidentally reveal that one of your competitors is into open relationships. Eggcellent work, Shanae.
Annie and Moses have two tickets on the Love Boat, destination Final Rose. She wowed him with her interpretive dance skills and then they kissed on a boat, snuggled in a grapevine and river rafted until they turned into hobbits, or something. “Her idea of putting movement to poetry, I was like, yo!” said Moses, and I was like yo! when they finally smooched. Art and Matootles pashed in their season too, so yo! the rest is history.