Alex Casey ranks all of the freaky ghouls, monsters and demons that have been summoned to the Wellington Paranormal universe over the last four seasons. 

Since 2018, the streets of Wellington have been plagued by a cavalcade of creepers, and officers Minogue and O’Leary have done their damnedest to keep the public safe. That is, until this week, when the final season of Wellington Paranormal came to an end. Culminating in a triumphant, time-warping, Tenet-style finale, it is frankly criminal that Aotearoa’s dorkiest and most consistently crack-up comedy series has ended. As we farewell Wellington Paranormal, let us look back at the oozing, biting, flying monsters that have terrorised the capital for the last few years. May we know them, may we be them, may we raise them

A note on language: “freaky” in the context of these rankings can mean anything from freaky as in scary, freaky as in unusual or even freaky as in sexy (eg: ‘I told you I was freaky’)

28) Raymond St John (S01E03)

To be honest, Dave Fane playing the ghost of a “party king” who died in 1977 is quite a lot of fun and not very freaky at all. Maybe freaky as in “out there” but mostly just the kind of act Fane should genuinely consider hiring out for stag dos, weddings, 21sts etc. 

27) Haunted leather jacket (S04E03)

There’s nothing freaky about a cool blue leather jacket, one that instantly gives the wearer the confidence to call everyone suckah. Sure, it is possessed by a breakdancer from the 1980s called Notorious Roland, but a bit of Napisan should sort that. Suckah. 

26) Imprisoned Clarke Gayford (S02E01)

Not freaky but definitely interesting, definitely raises a few questions to “sea” him “imprisoned” in “weed” if you get what I’m saying here. 

25) The Revengers (S03E05)

Meteorite + Naenae = the formation of the most powerful neighbourhood watch group in the world. The Revengers include Power Man Bill, Molly the Cat Lady, and Google Girl, a whose main superpower is making “random comments”. Full of fun facts? Yes. Good on your pub quiz team? Yes. Freaky? No, not unless you are a neighbourhood burglar, which I am NOT. 

24) Haunted Nissan (S02E05)

A lime green 1985 Nissan 3002X with alloy rims gets a new life when the spirit of boy racer Shane possesses the car to contact his ex-girlfriend Shazza. Thirty years have passed since his death but love knows no bounds – just ask his personalised plate “4NICK8”. Quite sweet, really.

23) Zombie Cops (S01E06)

They have both an insatiable appetite for both flesh and justice. When a zombie virus threatens to reach the hub of all human flesh – Courtenay Place – the police force soon become more than a bit “bitey”. If you think rotten coppers are freaky, you clearly haven’t been watching enough Line of Duty amiriiittee (I have never seen Line of Duty). 

22) 1970s Blanket Ghost (E03S01)

If The Others taught us anything, it’s that there is nothing freakier than a piece of fabric draped over a ghostie. Even if that fabric is gaudy 1970s crochet. 

21) She-wolf (E04S01)

Reports of a “dog wearing jeans” quickly becomes a powerful statement against gender stereotypes when this Wellington werewolf is revealed to be… a woman. Pretty freaky. “Don’t assume a werewolf is always going to be a man,” says Minogue. “It’s like a doctor.”

20) Muzza, Buzza and Bazza (S01E02)

Three brothers, countless Swandris, multiple appearances throughout the series. Young farmers of the year or something more sinister? The truth, as they say, is out there. 

19) Old timey tunnel cop (S02E03)

A noise ban in the Mount Victoria tunnel leads to the return of a ghost copper from the olden days, who parties (flogs) like it is 1932. I, for one,  will continue both tooting and holding my breath in the tunnel and there’s nothing that any copper, old timey or modern, can do about it. 

18) Dead Sevens punters (S03E04)

It is freaky enough to think about dying on the way to the Sevens, but being doomed to spend the afterlife dressed as Lost Traveller Glasses Man? A truly chilling thought indeed. 

17) Te Maero (S03E02)

A outdoor vlogger with a positive outlook is no match for Te Maero in a terrifying opening sequence to rival the scariest, snottiest parts of The Blair Witch Project. Te Maero is revealed to be our own take on Big Foot, best encountered when one is not under the influence of magic mushrooms. 

16) Daisy the Invisible Spider Monster (S03E01) 

To quote Liam Neeson, “men fear most what they cannot see” (Batman Begins, 2005). In this instance, Daisy’s “particular set of skills” (Taken, 2008) are escaping the police station thanks to her total invisibility, further proving that “no prison in the world is airtight” (The Next Three Days, 2010). 

15) Pākehā Burial Ground (S04E04)

When a super fast broadband installation unearths some bad vibes, the team soon realise that the police station is built on a Pākehā burial ground. An interview conducted via ouija board reveals that the team are dealing with the spirit of The Bogeyman, a notorious criminal who should have been locked up long ago for his dad jokes alone. 

14) Vampire (S01E05)

Nobody puts the undead into deadpan like Cori Gonzalez-Macuer, who reprised the role of Nick from What We Do in The Shadows way back in season one. Working at a blood bank to secretly gather bevvies for your human sacrifice party held in a graveyard? Pretty freaky heist. 

13) Clown flash mob (S01E05)

Simply too many clowns for comfort.  

12) Cheese Face (S01E03)

He died doing what he loved: eating fondue.

11) The Briannas (S02E02)

This one goes out to anyone who was not the pretty popular blonde girl at high school. I never want to encounter these absolute girlies of the corn ever again. 

10) Your biggest fear (S03E03)

A natural for the top 10 spot because, of course, your biggest fear strolling the streets of Wellington is going to be freaky. Whether it is sharks, spiders, public speaking, or a man with a bum for a face… it’s the cruelest little capital. 

9) Horny Taniwha (S02E01)

Now this is what you’d call freaky in the sex way. When people start to go missing and a giant reptilian eye is seen through a boat porthole, it is impossible to predict how this episode will… climax. The pixelated sight of two taniwha making love in Oriental Bay is one for the ages, even if they had to add more pixels to get it on US television.

8) Plant Alien (S01E02)

You’ve heard about biting the dust, but what about spitting the dust? Into the face of cops? And the dust is yellow? And you are hostile extraterrestrial fauna?

7) Kurangaituku (E01S04)

She’s half woman, half bird, roughly the size of a tree, with claws like knives. But she’s also just a solo mother, standing in front of some police officers, asking if anyone has a biscuit. Played appropriately by Anika Moa, this bilingual bird woman has to be seen to be believed. Bring biscuits and Andre Rieu CDs. 

6) Mobot (S02E06)

When all the vape pens in the city are missing and nobody has updated their phones since 2004, what did you think was going to happen? Of course all the old tech is going to coagulate into an evil robot determined to destroy the human race. It’s fine. Robots are fine. Everything is fine.

5) Satan (S02E07 & S04E05)

We love a recurring guest from the stinky bowels of hell, be they at the Tawa mall or an underground dubstep club using the moniker DJ Beezle Dub. The appearance is made even better if you know what Josh Thomson went through to transform into Satan, including a brush with death beneath during the mask-making process and a truly confronting amount of snot.

4) Sales Island Cult (S04E02)

Creepy outfits, creepy massages, creepy naked guys with matching hairdos, creepy police effigies, creepy, creepy, creepy cult that is equal parts Gloriavale and Midsommar with a sprinkling of Waiheke. “You will love it here, your time will be blessed.” Argh. 

3) Killer fatberg (S03E06) 

As if the very concept of a fatberg isn’t upsetting enough, this one is sentient and is consuming Wellingtonians like lollies. Stop flushing wipes down the loo people, because the drains will have their revenge eventually.

2) Bazu’aal (S01E01)

The demonic character that launched the show and was frankly too scary for the show. Bazu’aal of the unholy realm possessed a young girl who climbed walls and spewed bile, and later a local dog who uttered “your mother sucks cocks in hell” in homage to the infamous line from The Exorcist. At least Bazu-aal gave us an enduring image that sums up everything Wellington Paranormal is about: the Cuba Street bucket fountain, gently oozing with blood.

1) Time worm (S04E06)

As sure as the dead shall rise, Wellington Paranormal will always stick the landing when it comes to a finale. And the very end of the series was no exception. An enormous glistening time worm stalked the streets, sucking faces and opening portals to other dimensions, which brought with it all the horrors of seasons past. Zombies, taniwha, AND being trapped in Upper Hutt in 1994? I’d say the only thing freakier than that is being trapped in 2022.

Watch the full series of Wellington Paranormal here on TVNZ Ondemand