The Good Sex Project host Melody Thomas on the books that informed season two of the podcast.

Episodes one and two: Pleasure Activism: The Politics of Feeling Good by adrienne maree brown

With everything that’s going on in the world pleasure can feel like a luxury that most can’t afford. But in Pleasure Activism adrienne maree brown makes an incredibly compelling case for a politics of healing and happiness powered by pleasure. This is the jumping off point for the new season of The Good Sex Project.

Pleasure is really important to humans! It aids creativity and cognitive function, and leaves us feeling more positive, energised, and connected to each other – all of which will help us fight the good fights. Pleasure is fuel: whether that’s sexual touch, luxuriating in the feeling of the sun kissing your skin, or a cup of tea with a friend. These small joys are the foundations of a life worth living, and therefore a life worth fighting for. They’re necessary.

adrienne maree brown also says “pleasure is a measure of freedom.” Because of structural inequalities, prejudice, colonisation, a lack of accessibility and other barriers, pleasure isn’t equally available to everyone. Reclaiming your right to a pleasure and joy-filled life (and fighting for that right for others) is a fiercely political act. 

Episode three: Welcome to Sex: Your no-silly-questions guide to sexuality, pleasure and figuring it out by Dr Melissa Kang and Yumi Stynes

This illustrated guide for 12-15-year-olds, packed with vital information about everything from consent to healthy relationships and safe sex, was pulled from some shop shelves after complaints from members of the public. Some were so enraged they threatened violence towards the authors, and our own deputy prime minister Winston Peters warned on X that this kind of content was contributing to “sexual mind-warping of underage children”.

The thing is, the sexual mind-warping of underage children is well underway. As Yumi tells me in the podcast, “trying to create [Welcome to Sex] as the villain when explicit porn is on your children’s phones is pretty wacky to me.” Our children and teenagers are more in need of guidance now than ever, and many parents have no idea where to begin. This book is an incredibly valuable resource for navigating the terrain. 

Bonus shout-out to How To Talk With Your Kids About Porn by Dr Jane Cherrington, which kick-started my own conversations about porn with my kids, and has me feeling so much more confident and assured for future conversations on that subject. 

Episode four: Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections by Emily Nagoski 

US author and sexpert Emily Nagoski is a total legend in the sex research world, and we’re so lucky to have her in the podcast for a second season. Her first book, New York Times bestseller Come As You Are, was a groundbreaking look at female sexuality that transformed how countless people thought about desire and pleasure. But while she was writing it, her own sex life took a dive. “I was criticising myself for being a sexpert who… couldn’t f**k!” she told me. 

Nagoski tried the strategies recommended in Come As You Are, but nothing was working: “I thought, I need more advice than I give in my own book.” So she jumped back into research-mode and looked for commonalities shared by couples who manage to keep a happy sexual connection for decades. What she found “made irrelevant the entire mainstream conversation about how couples create lasting sexual connections.”

Nagoski published those findings this year, in her new book Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections. There’s too much incredible advice and neuroscience to do justice here, but she shares a lot of it in the podcast, including in an extended, bonus interview with her. I feel pretty confident in saying that no matter who you are, and no matter what specific relationship struggles you might be facing, there’s at least one little nugget of wisdom from Nagoski that will transform your sex life. I’ll leave you with just one of her killer quotes:

“Sexuality is not about what you do, how often or in which positions you do it in, or even how many orgasms you have. It’s about whether or not you like the experiences your body is having. If you like it, you are doing it right. And if you don’t, then it’s time to look for things that you do like.” 

Episode six: Three Women by Lisa Taddeo

This non-fiction bestseller following the sexual and emotional lives of three women from different backgrounds and parts of the United States blew me away when it was released. Taddeo spent eight years writing the book, firmly embedding herself in the lives of these women in order to capture the various pains and pleasures of their journeys. 

When we were making the podcast, three women’s stories began to emerge as stand-alone narratives that couldn’t be made to fit into the themes of the other episodes. So, following Taddeo’s lead, they’ve been brought together into one episode. The format of this episode is closer to that of an audiobook, with sparse narration and beautiful guiding music (composed by my husband Paddy Fred!), which allows listeners to really settle in and listen. 

There’s “Naomi”, now in her early 40s, who through her 20s rebelled against her upbringing and – egged on by her hero Simone de Beauvoir – swore off monogamy forever, opting for a life of sexual adventure and freedom. There’s 27-year-old “Leah”, who spent the entirety of her high school years in an emotionally abusive relationship and finally got out, only to end up in another one that was worse. And there’s “Tracey” who’s in her 70s and shares a remarkable story of sexual liberation that takes decades to unfold, and contains a pretty incredible twist. I didn’t get eight years with these women, but they shared so much of themselves in the time we did get. I adore this episode and can’t wait for people to hear it. 

The whole podcast: Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic by Esther Perel

This is the book that sparked the idea for The Good Sex Project. I had recently finished working on my first sex and relationships podcast, BANG!, and was reading Mating in Captivity, which is all about the paradoxical relationship between domesticity and desire. Perel is an incredible thinker, and she does an excellent job of explaining why so many couples struggle to keep the “spark” alive long term… Essentially, because the needs for familiarity and safety are at war with the need for adventure and excitement.

Perel makes a great case for introducing distance in order to coax excitement back into being – though I’d add that unless you have a solid emotional foundation of empathy, compassion, and understanding, adding distance is likely to widen the gulf between you rather than close it. We talk about that in the podcast, too. 

Honourable mentions: 

Make Love Work by Nic Beets (Our resident Aotearoa-based sex and relationships-advice giver).

The Couple’s Workbook from The School of Life (Excellent guided conversation prompts and activities for couples – this and Make Love Work essentially both offer couples therapy for a fraction of the price).

Magnificent Sex: Lessons from Extraordinary Lovers by Peggy J. Kleinplatz and A. Dana Ménard (Based on in-depth interviews with people having extraordinary sex. Mark my words, we will get Peggy on the podcast one day!)

Season two of The Good Sex Project is out now. Find it on your usual podcast platforms.