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Television: Shortland Street Power Rankings – The Television Universe Collapses

Tara Ward ranks her favourite moments from the past week of Ferndale hijinks. This week: TK goes to the dogs, Drew wears a terrible suit and Queen Holt graces the halls. 

1) The Holt bolts her way to the top.

There she is. Hayley Holt dances her way to the top of this week’s power rankings for a bedazzling appearance as It Girl, Olivia Banes.

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Hayley Holt is a vision. Glamour and class ooze from her perfect pores. Watching her enter the IV is like seeing Princess Di arrive for a sneaky chardy or, at the very least, Judy Bailey turning up for a sweet sherry.

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I am bewitched. Please let me be Hayley Holt when I grow up.

2) Damo From IT connects with his public

Damo, where have you been all my recapping life? It was far too brief and over way too soon, but Damo, I WANT MORE. This man bought more joy to the screen in two fleeting scenes than a thousand make-your-own-soap storylines ever could.

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The man is a wizard, a witchdoctor — nay, a genius. He gives life to Jack’s dead laptop, recklessly casting hospital policies and procedures aside like an irresponsible technological superhero.

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Carry on like this, Damo, and Drew will finally have a challenger for top spot in the Supposedly Hot Medical Employee Power Rankings.

3) Drew channels the Son of God

I’d love to leave Drew McAskill out of these rankings for week or two, for all our sakes. But this shiny-headed surgical legend just keeps making it too easy.

He’s thrilled to see Kylie return from the Gold Coast.

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Kylie’s mother Narelle? Not so much.

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And worst of all, he casts a ghostly shadow upon Hayley Holt’s reputation when he tries to impress her in this get up. 

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Perhaps I’m too hasty in my judgement. If Jesus can rock the white blazer, why can’t McAskill?

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4) Victoria is stalked by a man with neat handwriting

That nasty piece of prison scum Trent Wagener is out of prison and hell-bent on revenge. He sends Victoria flowers, complements her clothes and follows her home. Same tactics as Drew McCaskill, only slightly more menacing.

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The handwriting alone is enough to make any rational woman fear for her life. But it could have been worse… imagine the terror if it had been typed in Comic Sans.

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Enough with the creepy stalker. Here’s Kylie’s favourite holiday photo of a koala.

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5) Props to the props

Breaking news: TK and Kylie adopt a new pet. Sit. Stay. Good dog.

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And Chris starts a side business as a hobbit podiatrist.

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6) Leanne is down with the kids

One day Leanne will actually do some reception work. Thankfully it wasn’t this week, because there were patients to ignore and a misery guts daughter to cheer up.

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Wah, wah, wah,” whines Nicole. “Rachel just appointed me Director of Nursing, I scored a massive pay rise and I have the respect of my colleagues, ergo I am in the depths of despair.”

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With ears bleeding from Nicole’s self-indulgent whinge-fest, Leanne gives Murray the short sharp shrift when he’s unsure about which boat to buy. “YOLO” our beloved reception oracle tells him. Word, Muzza.

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Christmas cliffhanger prediction: Muzza and Leanne have a sneaky snog in the supplies cupboard. You heard it here first, because YOLO.

7) Curtis tries to stay clean

Finally the Hannah family catches a break. Chris and Rachel vouch for Curtis to keep him out of the Big House. He’s keen to work as an orderly to be near Lucy and her fascinating soap anecdotes.

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While things are on the up for Curtis, poor Margaret is on her way to Breakdown City. She steals patient’s clothes to wear in public, makes up imaginary family members and steals hospital money to pay her credit card bill.

Nothing weird about any of that, Mags – as you were.

Well, that was quite the week. Hard to imagine this week being much better, unless Damo from IT scores a car park near reception and Murray and Leanne are caught pashing in the Elevator of Doom. Frankly, I’d be satisfied if Margaret managed to get to Friday without committing fraud. Still, she looked good in that lady’s cashmere coat, didn’t she? Because, YOLO.


Click here to watch Shortland Street on TVNZ Ondemand

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