Pushbike hardouts rejoice: Giro D’Italia is nearly upon us. Cycle correspondent Joseph Harper could’ve droned on about pelotons, but instead he got got right down to business with the content all of us secretly desired.
There’s a lot to love about the Giro. The world loves the Tour de France and its maillot jaune, but honestly, the Giro’s maglia rosa is cooler. The Giro kicks off overnight and will be annoying the hell out of the husbands/wives of cyclists around New Zealand for the next few weeks.
One could yak on for yonks about the glorious poetry of the peloton in motion or the beautiful heroic idiocy of a breakaway. But this isn’t a Jorgen Leth documentary so I’ll save it and instead dish on the top ten all-time hottest guys in the 2016 Giro lineup. I’ve also included pics of what they probably look like at the very pinnacle of sex.
Pros: For some weird reason, Fabian Cancellara (aka Spartacus aka Swiss Cheese aka The Handsomest Man In The World) has never managed to chuck on the Pink Jersey. He’s hanging up his performance enhancing Oakleys at the end of this season so a win on the first stage would be a nice bow on the end of a career which inspired one million hyperbolic YouTube tributes. Either way it’ll be nice to Fabian to have more time to devote to his secondary career as the villain from Ocean’s 12.
Cons: Suffering from a nasty stomach flu apparently. Which could end in a MJ Flu game type dream, but is more likely to end on a toilet.
Sex Style: Time trial
Suggested Punt: Could be worth a few bucks on Fabian pulling out stage one.
Pros: One of last year’s breakout stars, Dumoulin will look to follow on from his impressive showing at the Vuelta Espana. He’s young, he’s fast, his lips are amazing.
Cons: The Giant team kit is quite cool but sucks compared to his dreamy Dutch national jersey. Also there’s no getting around the fact that he gives off a Cruel Intentions vibe and could 100% be a villain off Gossip Girl. Also reminds me of the rich guys from Breaking Away. In short there’s no group of evil archetypes that wouldn’t happily welcome Tom into their company.
Sex Style: “I’m from Holland isn’t that weird.”
Suggested Punt: At $17 to win overall, a Dumoulin victory would net Floyd Mayweather a nice wee return. Even a normal Joe Bloggs type could end up about $170 richer.
Cons: Team Movistar boasts some of the coolest riders going at the moment, but their uniforms are fucking atrocious. Their only hope at this point would be a collab with Jun Takahashi or Supreme or something. Also Alejandro is old.
Sex Style: Daddy.
Suggested Punt: I probably wouldn’t unless you can bet on a podium finish?
Pros: Second best hair on the tour. Rides for Cannondale now, whose bright green jerseys are sweet. Very fun to yell “RIGOBERTO!”
Cons: He looks kind of like a Fred Armisen character.
Sex Style: Steely Dan.
Suggested Punt: I honestly have no idea. He’s a wildcard.
Pros: As a short guy, I love seeing a lil battler like this doing the damage. Look at him! If you aren’t pulling for this dude to take down gorillas like Andre Greipel, you are a monster and I hate you.
Cons: He’s 21 so this is just the start of his hopefully cool and long career.
Sex Style: Pocket Rocket.
Suggested Punt: Lookout for the lil fella to do some damage on the sprint stages.
Pros: Sensational climber (which is obviously the best kind of cyclist). Should be pretty awesome to see him ripping through the Italian mountains.
Cons: Liking Team Sky is kind of hack and he’s probably not as good as Chris Froome.
Sex Style: Very hungry caterpillar.
Suggested Punt: I’d say he’s pretty much a lock to take King of the Mountains.
Pros: He’s won it before. He’s a hometown hero. His stubble is pretty classic. There’s a lot to like about ‘The Shark’.
Cons: Nibali rides for legendary drugger team Astana, which is kind of cool, but their coolness is lessened by me seeing three hardouts rocking the Astana kit last weekend. “Very nice”? I think not.
Sex Style: Tight lipped (about whether Vinokourov has taught him how to be a mean drug cheat)
Suggested Punt: Nibali is the favourite to win because he’s pretty awesome. Place a bet if you like boring bets.
Pros: As with most European sprinters, it’s hard to not be an Ivan Drago clone. Kittel’s carefully maintained locks do him no favours here. Debatable whether this is a pro.
Cons: Kind of sexist during a haircut scene in the documentary Clean Spirit.
Sex Style: “If he dies, he dies”
Suggested Punt: Kittel can definitely slay down the stretch but I don’t know about his leadout men and he’s coming off a less that ideal season. Hard to say.
Cons: Honestly he’s just here to fill out the rankings.
Sex Style: Yeah baby yeah.
Suggested Punt: Nope.
Pros: He is the Justin Bieber of professional cycling. A Colombian by way of jolly old Australia, there’s a tonne to love about this cute lil fella who was very impressive in the Vuelta last year. It’s insane how little and cute he is.
Cons: His team, Orica GreenEDGE, seem like the ‘nice guys’ of world cycling teams. Do they have the killer edge? I don’t know. I’m making all this up.
Sex Style: Just happy to be there.
Suggested Punt: Paying $41 to win, and that’s probably justified. But still, I know whose tiny Australian ass I’m taking a flyer on.