Alex Casey assembles her contestant power rankings for week six, including stolen dogs, a birthday for Naz and a daredevil massage.
Ah well Rebecca, that’s us then. Farewell to the greatest potential reality TV love story ever told. Farewell to the book deal resulting in a global bestseller, the inevitable reality spin-off series called Pinky and The Brain (Jordan being Pinky, Rebecca being the brain), and Rebecca’s riveting TedX talk called “Screening Love: Finding the Right Reasons Outside of Reality”. How dare ye send someone home just because she may or not be studying your every move without your consent.
There is a silver lining to this though: a lot of great animals on the show this week. Jordan seemingly stole a dog during the infamous dog wash date of yesteryear, and it has only just made it through quarantine to party in Brizzy. That bad hat has only just cleared customs as well, after being held under arrest for crimes against humanity:
Anyway, let us dive backwards off the cliff like Gabs and see who is still trapped in this gaping chasm of courtship.
Storm arrived at her single date by driving up a river in an SUV this week, which I think is enough to not only earn her the final rose, but a special kind of Damehood presented by Greg Murphy on a mountain of Big Ben’s pies.
For now, she settled for a delicious piece of cracker and a totally relaxed massage on a wheeled gurney perched at the top of a waterfall. They don’t call this
Fear Factor The Bachelor for nothing.
Storm also keeps her top perch for her consistently good face-making, including this absolute blinder when Sarah was sent home to reattach her head properly:
They just can’t stop the loud kissing. If Fleur isn’t at least top two then call me a big old horse wearing a big old pink dress:
In her old Brizzy haunt, Naz hiked up her Aussie accent well beyond the confines of safety. “Haych” she said, for the letter H. “Es moooi” she said, instead of it’s me. I loved it. It was also Naz’s birthday this week, which meant she got to kiss Jordan passionately in a field whilst wearing her favourite sassy slogan tee:
In extra-curricular research, I’m also real chuffed with Naz’s unbridled passion for her landscaping job. Power to ya.
Gabs claims to be a Yes Woman, a title which resulted in her hurtling herself off a cliff and then hanging upside screaming like Spiderman. Don’t tell Erin that Gabs is channeling her least favourite superhero – she’ll be livid.
This didn’t bother JM though, he took her on a single date to chopper straight to Hot Tub Kissville. It was steamy, it was clammy, it was actually pretty gross to listen to. Much squelching. Didn’t help that they had just had a long discussion involving a “pork log” and “pork on your fork”. Let’s keep it 7.30 guys.
Erin emerged from her invisibility cloak to play a big old game of chess this week. People think she’s not good at chess because she is blonde. She proved everyone wrong by not only winning the game – but taking a giant piece back to the house as a trophy.
Mike will have to give up his seat on the plane for her to bring it home, but he’s more than happy to slink back to the luggage hold nest he made during season one.
Yes, we were all charmed by Ceri Keys playing the ivories this week, but I’m not sure she will go the distance. Her resentment towards Jordan re: not taking her on more dates was palpable – I say get out now and launch your “Piano & a Lolly Cake” tour before the finale.
Remember how Kate tried to leave and Jordan said literally said no? That was wild #saveKate #Kate2016 #ImWithHer
Is that Charlie Sheen?
The forgotten Bachelorette
These power rankings are brought to you by Lightbox, home of the amazing Bachelor-inspired drama UnREAL. Take a peek behind the curtains of reality TV by clicking below to watch:
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