Tara Ward brings you her Shortland Street Power Rankings for last week, including Dayna’s new lease on life, Lucy’s love lament and Chris bringing back the dance move that nobody needed.
1) Chris uses his best jazz hands to magic money out of Rachel’s budget
Thousands of Shortland Street CEOs have sat in the Big Chair, buttocks clenched in a futile attempt to squeeze extra money out of a meagre multi-million dollar hospital budget. Yet all along, that silky sex-god Chris Warner knew the magic trick to discover extra funding: jazz hands.
We don’t call him Fingers Warner for nothing. (And if we don’t call him that, we should definitely start).
2) Dayna refuses to take anyone’s shit and the world is a better place for it
Welcome back from the land of newlywed bliss, Dayna. Hallelujah for the power of your acerbic tounge and take-no-prisoners attitude. Dayna played cupid for Lucy, told Ali to shut his pathetic face, and tried to get maternal with baby Stevie. At least dealing with Stevie’s nappy of ‘poonami’ proportions was a refreshing change from dealing with George/Lucy/Ali’s shit.
3) Behold the lush and leafy paradise that is Shortland Street
I want to take out a 40 year mortgage that is eight times greater than my lifetime earning capacity and immediately relocate to this serene utopia of tree-lined avenues and low-density housing.
4) George is the annoying husband that we all knew he would be
Spurious George hit peak twattage when he took a selfie to commemorate his and Dayna’s first argument as a married couple. If that’s not grounds for divorce, I don’t know what is. Dayna wants children and a mortgage, George wants to buy handbags and travel to imaginary countries like Dickheadistan and Idiotopa. None of those are life-changing issues, George, so snap away.
5) Bella can’t be forked but goes back to work anyway
Bella’s list of positives about returning to work:
- Endless supply of plastic forks in the café to keep hair under control
- Sneaky snogs in the supply cupboard with Boyd
- Eating the leftover muffins from Rachel’s HOD meetings
- Using the stapler whenever she wants
- Microsoft Word updated ClipArt and the new images are amazeballs
6) Victoria and Mo get so close they turn into a 3D puzzle
Don’t look too closely at Mo’s Magic Eye duvet, in case you start to see the Eiffel Tower and not an attempted murderer pulling the wool(len covers) over kind, deluded Mo. Let’s hope Mo changed the sheets between kicking Mags out and moving Victoria in, because ew.
Whatevs, Tor has bigger fish to fry. In a moment of jaw-clenching bravery, Victoria told her abuser Dr Portman that he didn’t scare her anymore. Double thumbs up, Tor; if only you weren’t lying in the arms of the husband of the woman you set up for trying to murder your ex-lover.
7) Ali calls 111; if only there was someone nearby who knew first aid
Um, Ali? You ARE the ambulance.
8) The doctors move out of their apartments into…their apartments
“I love the new place!” squealed Kylie. That’s because it’s exactly the same as the old one, Kyles. When Rachel called time on the doctor’s apartments, I hoped their new accommodation would include gypsy caravans and communal shower facilities. Alas, the only new features were splashback tiles left over from The Block and a fancy black tap. Rachel may have fooled these idiots, but I’m onto you, McKenna.
9) Lucy and Ali show how much love sucks
I never thought I’d pine for the days when Lucy prattled on about her soap business. Now she spends her time drowning in an Olympic-sized pool of Ali-love pity, trying to convince herself that she’s better off without him. Newsflash: she is. Put on your floaties and get out of the water, Lucy! Ali is just as pathetic, wandering aimlessly around Ferndale with his mouth ajar in dismay/concern/joy/[insert emotion]. Close it, Ali! Quickly, before the flies get in!
10) Stevie just saw next week’s promo featuring Ali and Lucy’s lack of chemistry epic love story
So many important questions remain unanswered as we steel ourselves for another week in the clean, green paradise of Ferndale. Will marrying Sabina cure Ali of his love for Lucy? (No.) Will Bella get unlimited use of the stapler? (Yes.) And how much extra budget funding will Chris discover if he dons a lycra leotard and treats Rachel to an interpretive dance performance? (Billions.)
Shortland Street airs 7pm weekdays of TV2, click here to catch up on TVNZ Ondemand
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