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Dancing With the Stars: Power Rankings, Week Seven – Sexy Teachers, Butt Stickers and Dad Bod Fever Pitch

Alex Casey delivers her semi-final round of Dancing With the Stars power rankings, including deep conspiracies, low-resolution underwear decals and a winning NZ flag pitch. 

It’s semifinals week, and we are all but a meat hand away from the finish line. The couples each performed two dances this time around, which meant far less time for booth banter and fraught audience interaction, and way more time for “props”. It was all dancing, all the time – including the welcome introduction of the freestyle. Disappointingly, this was nowhere near as straight from the top of the dome as I would have hoped. Some soared, some flubbed, some stuck crappy judge-themed stickers to their buttcheeks for whatever reason.

We farewelled the Scandal Queenie last night, after her two performances failed to reach the dizzying heights of Chrystal’s perfect 30 and Simon’s solidly sexual couch-work. Her first jig for the “props” round featured a shambles of a love triangle between her, Enrique and her husband Dom Harvey.

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This story was made even more confusing with the big finale featuring a decoupage underpants reveal.

What does it all mean? That the cleaner was aware that he was in a dancing competition the whole time? Why Stefano on the wang and Hayley and Candy on the butt? It’s a fourth wall-smashing madhouse meta-narrative with no place on the nice dancing show.

Talking of “having no place on Dancing With the Stars”, Jay Jay’s second jig was the tale of a sexy teacher, luring in her student for an intense one-on-one lesson in physical education. I must have missed this particular unit during high school:

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Alright guys, we are very close. Here’s the rest.

1) 2015: A Hayley Holt Odyssey

I noticed something deeply disturbing, lurking just beyond the cusp of the judges’ table. Hal, the sentient computer villain from 2001 is back and better than ever, seeking his mechanised vengeance on humankind. His authoritative celebrity conduit? None other than Hayley Holt:

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Hal. Hayley. Hal-ly Holt. I’ve certainly got chills, where the heck was this sort of stuff on movie night?

2) Siobhan and Charlie meet their maker

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I’m sorry this is already so dark. I just couldn’t help but notice how menacing their prop looked, right before it was revealed to be a lowly mirror. A harrowing scene that cut right to the core.

3) We have a doppelganger in our midst

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Please, somebody, tell me if this is Tabea from Come Dine With Me NZ doing some mad prawn work in this Masterchef NZ promo that featured during the ads. I’ve wasted so much of my life looking at this already. I just want to believe.

4) Dad bod banter reaches fever pitch

Simon wheeled out his lovely family this week to go to a nice hotel and eat chips. Then his daughter dropped this bomb, the most outrageous claim since Stefano called Si “New Zealand’s rock god”:

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5) Siobhan does jellyfish chic

My boyfriend, dragged through my Dancing With the Stars journey with all the enthusiasm of Maz Quinn, accurately described Siobhan’s look for her ‘Chandelier’ routine as “a jellyfish nightmare”:

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6) Simon’s couch of love

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For all his good Christian values, Simon cranked out a very, very suggestive Magic Mike style routine on the couch this week. But it’s all fine, remember? The chips, the children, the bod banter. Not an impure thought to be had.

7) Sperm Walker

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Stan Walker showed up, as per, and did a wild jig followed by his new song called ‘Start Again’. Unfortunately his clothing made him look like a cool giant sperm in a leather jacket, and I can only assume the dance was an interpretive take the process of fertilisation. Dancing With the Stars NZ is 100% sex, 100% of the time by the way.

8) Chrystal’s Single Ladies

This was always going to happen. This dance was set in stone before the first fish crawled out of the ocean and begun what we now know as the opening credits of The Big Bang Theory. And Chrystal was extraordinary, working delightedly with a million mirrored versions of herself:

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The perfect song for the perfect person:

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9) New flag idea

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I will accept $25,000 worth of Special K biscuits for my efforts.

10) Bow down to the spooky glitch

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Some might say something paranormal is happening with Dancing With the Stars. Some might say that an exhausted lighting guy tripped over a vital cable. Some might say I’m padding this out to get to a list of ten. Whatever you believe, there’s only one week left – hang in there.

Want EVEN MORE freestyling Dancing With the Stars content? Listen to our podcast The D-Floor below:

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