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Shortland Street Power Rankings – Surprise, Leanne hates millennials too

Tara Ward brings you her rankings for Shortland Street last week, including TK’s stovetop obsession, Bella’s aubergine’s and Drew’s long-lost brother.

1) Leanne has more delicious layers than a homemade Christmas trifle

Leanne was shocked and disappointed by the state of today’s youth, needing a stiff gin after she heard about Lucy and Ali’s wild night of clothed jigsaw-ing. “When I was your age, I had a poodle perm, three boyfriends on the hop, and my hands were full of better things than puzzle pieces.”

Word, Leanne. Bloody millennials sending us to hell in a handcart, with their Sky TV, takeaway coffees and non-stop jigsaw puzzling. WHEN WILL THE MADNESS STOP, LEANNE?

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2) Bella asks the big questions: “what can I possibly do with 200 aubergines?”

OMG, what can you NOT do with 200 aubergines? #blessed

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3) Lucy and Ali, well, you know… THEY DID IT

If the ambo’s a rockin’, then don’t come a knockin’. Lucy and Ali consummated their relationship, but only after they discussed it with every employee at Shortland Street. High on carnal gratification, these two hornbags rampantly spread their wanton joy throughout the hospital, from the erotic surrounds of the supply cupboard to the uber romantic ambulance bay. Even the photocopier was a cesspit of sexual energy. I’ll never look at a bypass tray the same way again.

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4) Despite confessing to a crime, Kylie is a free woman

Kylie’s new blue shirt worked a treat in court, cleverly distracting the judge from TK’s perjury, Esther’s contradictory evidence and Kylie’s confession that she helped Narelle to die. “Truth, schmuth,” the judge summed up. “You obviously have an excellent sense of style, and on those grounds alone I find you ‘not guilty’. You’re free to go, preferably via the 40% off sale at Glassons.”

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5) Rachel is all of us re the ‘Lucy and Ali have sex’ storyline

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6) TK has his priorities sorted

He lied in court to protect Kylie and obsessed over the mysterious death of a patient (clue: she ate 200 aubergines), but TK’s greatest achievement this week was making his stovetop shine so brightly that double rainbows reflected from his eyeballs. That’s why we love TK: he gives good stovetop.

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7) This week’s Warner problem: Harry mixes with the middle class

“Is it true you ride a bike to work?” an incredulous Harry asked Esther, his tiny brain recoiling in horror as he imagined the bleak world beyond the automatic gates of the Warner mansion. “What is public transport like? Do you make your own lunch? Is it true TK’s stovetop is so shiny you can see the Taj Mahal in its reflection?”

Next week: Harry is forced to make his own nut butter. Pray for him.

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8) Harper and Drew pash while deciding if they want to pash

Drew and Harper – or ‘Drarper’, as I’ve fondly called them for the past three seconds – have been on and off again more times than a set of thermals in a Southland summer. It’s been seven excruciating months of this will-they/won’t they claptrap, and frankly I’d rather watch TK polish his elements than put up with any more of this palaver. Sort it out, Drarper, so we can all move on with our lives.

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9) Chris is Ferndale’s Chumbawamba: he gets knocked down, but he gets up again

It was Chris Warner’s lucky day. There was tomato sauce left over from Victoria’s death scene, so the cast played a quick game of Spin the Aubergine to see who could use the last few drops. The eggplant pointed at Chris, the writers created a character with flary nostrils and an anger management problem, and bish bosh bash, Chris was winning all the way down to the cold, hard floor of the IV.

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But a man who wears a Hawaiian shirt as a form of foreplay will never be down for long. This may not have been the ‘lei’ that Rachel had in mind, but it’s all good as long as Harry’s not asking weird questions about the real world.

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10) Drew ain’t heavy, that’s his brother

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Drew’s brother arrived in Ferndale and caused a disastrous mistaken identity situation for Bella. Oh, the hilarity! My sides are still split from the mirth that spewed forth, like two hundred aubergines bursting from a hot puff pastry pie.

Pies aside, Shortland Street gets a 10/10 eggplant rating for their excellent casting. These two look like brothers. You don’t see it? Let’s travel back to a time when Drew had hair. It’s like looking in a McCaskill mirror.

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