Tara Ward brings you this week’s Shortland Street Power Rankings, highlighted by Ferndale’s own Rawshark, Dayna finding love in a hardware store and a diagnostic demon in ED.
1. Damo is Dick of the Week™
Damo was batshit crazy this week and Shortland Street was all the better for it. Jealous of Chris’ superior wealth, intellectuality and hair volume, Damo hacks into Chris’ email and signs him up for multiple Eastern European brides.
Hilarity ensues! Dr Warner is ridiculed by colleagues and acquaintances! His reputation is in tatters!
Chris reckons Damo is the cause of his distress. “My hacker is the definition of dick. If you look up dick in the dick-shonary, there’s his picture.’
Chris’ dictionary also notes that ‘dick’ is Shortland Street’s most over-used insult of the year; indeed, the dick is everywhere. What popular affront will 2016 bring us? Tosser? Bell-end? Berk?
Damo takes great pleasure seeing Chris stranded in technological wilderness with neither a Russian bride nor IT specialist to assist him. But when Mo attempts to act as peacemaker, Damo mistakes Mo’s gentle, calm approach as plain old pants-filling harassment.
Scared witless by the two Hannah thugs, Damo flees to the safe haven of the IT basement. I’ve no idea where his office is, but aren’t all IT departments in subterranean caves near the earth’s core? If not, they should be.
Best running exit, ever. Damo for Prime Minister.
2. Stevie settles in with the super dooper Coopers
Blimey, only one week old and already this kid flies straight to #2 on the rankings.
After a dramatic arrival, Stevie hopes for some quiet time at home with some quality feeding and crying. Sadly, her tool of a father has other ideas.
Yep, that’s a moment Stevie will look back on fondly. Jimmy aside, the love at the Cooper house overflows like jaffas rolling down Baldwin Street, as Wendy and Bella celebrate the endurance of the recessive red-haired gene in the new generation.
Stevie decides to liven things up and stops breathing for a second or two — just for long enough to put the shits right up her parents. “Just jokes,” she cries at the hospital after they get the all clear. “If you think this is terrifying, just wait until we start toilet training”.
3. Dayna falls for her perfect knob
Dayna needs a knob. She discovers the perfect one at the local non-branded hardware store (totally a Bunnings, btw). He’s dark, brooding and oozes hipster chic from every slightly grubby pore.
Pheromones aren’t the only thing flying. Bewitched by this unexpected vision of flannel and follicles, a distracted Dayna knocks a staff member off a high ladder. If only she’d met The Knob in the soft Pink Batts aisle.
Of course, The Knob is great in a crisis. He rotates the patient’s head like it’s a bladder on a stick and shouts, “DON’T MOVE HIM IT’S DEFINITELY A SPINAL INJURY’. Such carry-on suggests The Knob’s medical training was purchased over the phone during a Good Morning infomercial segment.
Alas, Dayna’s Knob disappears before they can enjoy a quick pash among the cisterns and s-bends. Will we ever see The Knob again?
4. Esther diagnoses an acute case of try-harditis
TK’s niece is the new House Surgeon at Shortland Street. Her job mostly involves diagnosing slightly sick people with fatal illnesses and being yelled at by her uncle.
Way to go, Esther! Some people work their whole lives without being yelled at by their superiors, but you managed it on your first week.
Esther is young and desperate to impress. TK is a grumpy bugger who wants her to know he’s in charge. The result is peak family conflict, so it’s no wonder Esther and Kylie have to practice their tae kwan do or whatever the heck that weird exercise thing is.
Look at this face, TK. Have a heart and cut the girl some slack, for the sake of future peaceful Samuels Christmases.
5. Victoria embraces her inner wisdom
Victoria is a beacon of love and light amongst a low-lying fog of infected breast implants. Drew’s underage boob job operation continues to haunt him like a catchy Justin Bieber melody, and it’s up to the ever-chirpy Victoria to keep him motivated.
Prepare yourself, Drew, as Victoria offers some advice to blow your mind. “Nobody likes a whinger,” she proclaims. So speaks an expert with first hand experience.
Join us next week for more of Victoria’s pearls of wisdom, such as ‘smiling gives you wrinkles’ and “thunder only happens when it’s raining’.
6. Drew does the harem shuffle
Rachel won’t let Drew play with his toys until he’s cleared by the Medical Council. Until then, he surrounds himself with his harem of nurses so they can remind him how amazing he is.
But Drew has bigger worries to face. The father of the underage boob job arrives at Shortland Street, ready to swing for the “smug ponce” who operated on his teenage daughter.
What a week that was, filled with twists and turns, ups and downs, dicks and knobs.
Let us hope that Stevie settles down, that Esther successfully diagnoses a rare disease, and that Kylie treats us to another impression of a confused Russian Bride. But most of all, let’s cross our fingers that Dayna finds her Knob—because everyone deserves to have a Knob in their life, right?
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