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The Spinoff’s ultimate epic fantasy battles REVEALED

With modern computing grunt it’s now possible to create whole worlds within one’s humble home PC. Using the Ultimate Epic Battle Simulatora core crew of Spinoff writers construct their best imaginary wars and let the sim do its thing!

Don Rowe: WW2 Germans Vs WW2 Americans Vs 300 Spartans

Millions of men died in the hellfire of WW2 – the first truly mechanised war in history. Perhaps, I thought, we could learn from the ancients. At the Gates of Fire, a mere 300 Spartans held off a titanic Persian force, in effect sparing the majority of Greece. At the intersection between the Germans and the USA, they were gunned down in their totality and didn’t do shit really.

Lesson learned

-DR

Madeleine Chapman: One T-Rex and 1000 chickens Vs two cyclops and 250 dwarves

For someone who would lose any sort of battle in a computer game, being able to pick the opponents and then just watch the war unfold was my dream scenario. I wanted to pair the biggest and smallest battlers in what I thought would be a fair match-up. Two giant cyclops and 250 dwarves versus one T-Rex and 1000 chickens. What a mess. The dwarves (unsurprisingly, in hindsight) absolutely annihilated the chickens so badly that they just dissolved. Nothing left but a pile of feathers that I can only assume the dwarves took home to fill their mattresses.

-MD

Alex Casey: Tables, Santas and penguins Vs 10,000 zombies 

I’ll admit that within three seconds I went mad with power, which is why I can’t explain my choice to have one million zombies fight 500,000 tables and 500,000 penguins. The magnitude of the battle 100% broke José’s computer, but I still think it was worth it to see the endless sprawl of hipster zombies in wall to wall flannel.

When I came round to a more sensible configuration (10,000 zombies, 5000 tables, 5000 penguins, 3000 Santas), it was time for the battle of the five arm(chair)ies. I was deeply worried that the tables were going to be inanimate and just sit there in the woods like a melancholy Big Save ad, but luckily they went full Beauty and the Beast mode and absolutely dominated. Always bring a table to a zombie fight.

-AC

Calum Henderson: Kangaroos Vs Persians

All I wanted was to see a good clean fight between an army of kangaroos and an army of ‘Persians’. My heart sank when I saw the Persians were armed with swords. The early exchanges of this fight were a kangaroo slaughter; I felt very bad about it. But then the kangaroos started fighting back, drawing the Persians into close-quarters combat which seemed to nullify the advantage of their long swords. Very shrewd animals. Once they had the momentum the Persians didn’t stand a chance – a classic underdog victory for the kangaroos.

-CH

José Barbosa: 50,000 tortoises Vs Chuck Norris

Seemed like a good idea at the time, but 50,000 of those grubby little shell mounds with legs is a lot of things to kick into submission. Even for Mr Norris. Days stretched into nights, nights into days. There was only one option left …


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