Emily Writes once more ventures into the treacherous depths of online news, so you don’t have to.
In absolutely astonishing news the New Zealand woman who married a random dude the day she met him has divorced him. Who would have ever foreseen this?
New Zealander Sarah Elliott married Paul Edwards on Christmas Day. Which would have been the end of a beautiful holiday romance were it not for the fact that they’d only just met, at the airport, in their wedding outfits. They’d met on Bumble. She told the world. She went viral. Everyone thought they were morons. And boy, did they prove those people wrong.
They lasted a whole two months despite the fact that they lived together in a house with two of her exes who were both named Paul. Yes, that’s three Pauls. For the purposes of this story we will number them. And Paul 3 will be her last Paul. Her two-months married Paul.
Paul 3 ended up a tad overwhelmed when he moved in with Sarah and her two other Pauls. Sarah lost her job after raunchy photos of her were found online.
She then asked Paul 3 if he might want to get into some fetish stuff. Usually something you wait a little while in a relationship for, but I guess they move quickly? At first all the Pauls got along. But maybe the added pressure of latex or rubber was too much. Paul 3 struggled. Sarah and Paul 3 got marriage counselling. Paul 1 and 2 continued on living in the Paul house.
They tried really hard apparently, in the less than eight weeks they were together. They tried to make it work by doing what all couples would do in that situation – they went to a sex party at the Torture Garden Club. They tried again to make up and delay the break up at a sex party at Le Boudoir in central London.
Maybe sex parties weren’t the answer?
Wrong. Paul 1 or Paul 2 (we are awaiting confirmation) moved out. Paul 3 then packed his belongings and I guess went back to his old flat in Chichester, West Sussex.
With only one Paul left, Sarah was broken-hearted. But not for long. Especially when she realised that actually she quite enjoyed having multiple Pauls. Despite getting back in the game only last month, Sarah is already seeing a 29-year-old and a 27-year-old at the same time, she told The Sun.
Whether their names are Paul or not, we cannot know.
There are many ways to die and none of them are pleasant
In the last week, a woman has been impaled on a metal straw. She fell foward and it went through her eyeball into her brain. Assistant coroner Brendan Allen issued a warning about the straws, saying that “great care should be taken” when using them. A 21-year-old man unknowingly ingested a dangerous amount of pure caffeine powder in a protein shake and died soon after. It’s suggested he had the equivalent of 50 cups of coffee. Pure caffeine powder is apparently very easy to buy. It’s unregulated and now we know it can be deadly. An Indian airline technician has died after accidentally getting trapped in a plane door. The hydraulic door closed and he got stuck between the flaps.
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it dozens of native corella covered in blood falling from the sky?
More than 50 corellas (Aussie parrot type birds) with bleeding eyes and beaks, have fallen from the sky in Adelaide. Yesterday a parliamentary inquiry was told the koalas, corellas, and other native animals needed to be culled, poisoned and euthanised because there was too many of them. So it’s possible they have some kind of furious parrot vigilante on their hands.
Terrible parent holds baby at rich person sport
Meghan AKA the Duchess of Sussex AKA the best royal has been “mum-shamed” over the way she held her baby during his first public outing at the polo. Apparently she wasn’t holding him “right” according to many people on Instagram. Awww you always remember that first time you get mum-shamed!
The That’s Bait best Clickbait of the Week Award goes to:
The headline: Awful truth in girls’ Wimbledon photo.
The intro: “This seemingly innocent photo reveals the horror behind what was supposed to be a fun day out at Wimbledon for one of these girls.”
What you thought happened: They were attacked by rabid snakes with bees in their mouths while watching tennis.
What actually happened: They couldn’t see the court very well and “there’s a heavy Australian presence here”.
The question we’ve all been asking
The New York Times has finally answered the question that has been plaguing us for eons. Why Did This Extinct Bird Have Such a Weird, Long Toe? You’ll be astonished to know the answer is: Dunno, looks like it needed it.
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The Spinoff Weekly compiles the best stories of the week – an essential guide to modern life in New Zealand, emailed out on Monday evenings.