Massive spook-fest American Horror Story: Freak Show begins next week. Today they unleashed the carnival-of-creeps opening credits to get everyone sufficiently amped/terrified for the season ahead.

Here are the five top-billing Freak Show friends, in no particular order:

1) Tentacle John

He’s just a regular guy chilling out on a crate except he has two tentacle things instead of feet and fingers. Seems non-threatening due to his fingers forming a constant peace/hang ten sign. Definitely the mediator of the freak show.

2) Two Headed Man Kissing Himself

Ever just loved yourself so much you wish you had two heads and could kiss yourself? The dream has come very true for this lucky sir. What if one of the heads wasn’t into it? Also, they share the same body so does one of them do all the eating? Or do they share? What if they eat too much? What if they then feel sick? Who gets to vomit? I am hoping these questions and more will be answered in Season Four.

3) Clown Missing Skull Cap

If Hannibal has taught us anything, it’s that a person can live with the top of their skull cut off for a surprisingly long time. They can even talk for a while too, albeit dribbling and slurred, so this clown could potentially be a key player in the show.

4) Leggy Blonde

This woman appears to be blessed with three legs, one of which is occupying prime weiner real-estate. She has adorned it with a gorgeous glittery boot. Could be based on the real three-legged man, once scorned by Karl Pilkington for choosing to be a juggler and not a professional runner. Wait, is she even a woman? Is she a man? I’m not calling it. Gender is spherical, legs are spherical.

5) Dolls Swapping Heads

You are dolls, you shouldn’t be doing that. In fact, you should be doing the exact opposite of that. Stay still. Stay intact. Stop freaking everyone out.

American Horror Story: Freak Show begins on SoHo on October 13th
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