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The story of a mum (who tried her best but needed a rest) and the baby and the glitter

We’ve all been there – just replace glitter with flour or eggs or dirt or cursed nappy cream. There are days that you just want to forget, but they are also days that will always make you laugh…or at least make others laugh. Eliza Jane tells us about her day.

Once upon a time there was a little boy who was almost three and sometimes he could be diabolical.

One day he found an interesting bag of something sparkly at the bottom of art supplies box.

He asked his mum, what is it?

And his mum (who tried her best but needed a rest) said, it’s glitter, even though it wasn’t really glitter, it was that stuff like coloured bits of torn foil paper.

No sooner had she said this than the baby tried to grab the bag and some spilled and it started to get Very Messy. So the mum (who tried her best but needed a rest) said maybe it was a big boy game better for when the baby was asleep.

And everything was ok for a while, because they played with something else.

But things were about to get MUCH worse.

Because later that afternoon when the baby was asleep they got the glitter out again.

The mum (who tried her best but needed a rest and was sometimes over-ambitious) put some double-sided tape on some cardboard and showed the little boy how to put the cardboard in a dish of glitter and make sparkly pictures. She taught him how to sprinkle it back into the dish, making a lovely glittery rain.  And everything was ok for a while, because they were having fun.

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But things were about to get MUCH worse.

Because the baby woke up. And the mum (who tried her best but needed a rest and was sometimes a complete idiot), said, ok you stay here and I’ll try and get your brother back to sleep.

Well.

The baby would not go back to sleep, and so the mum tried to feed him some milk, but then the little boy (who was almost three and could be quite diabolical), ran up all excited and said LOOK AT ME I AM YOVELY AND CLITTERY. And the mum (who tried her best but needed a rest and was actually fairly patient), said oh my gosh, you are very glittery, back in the playroom now while I feed your brother eh. And everything was ok for a while because the boy went back to his room.

But things were about to get MUCH worse.

Because he came back out again with a handful of glitter and he threw it at the baby. And the mum (who tried her best but needed a rest and was fucked off by this attack), said NO NO NO HE DOESN’T LIKE THAT GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM UNTIL HE HAS FINISHED HIS MILK.

And everything was ok for a while because the boy went back to his room.

But things were about to get MUCH worse.

Because the boy came back with another handful of glitter and threw it on his mum and his baby brother again.

And his mum (who tried her best but needed a rest and hasn’t yet figured out effective chaos management techniques for her child), put him in his room and shut the door and went to another room and shut that door too and tried to feed the baby.

And everything was ok for a while because the baby stopped crying.

But things were about to get MUCH worse.

Because the boy opened the doors and came out with a very big handful of glitter and threw it right in the baby’s face. And the mum (who tried her best but fuck it what does that even mean it’s been eight long months since the baby was born and this is still a day-to-day failure), said OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHAT THE FUCK KID THAT IS REALLY ANNOYING AND INCONSIDERATE. LOOK HE IS CRYING, LOOK YOU MADE HIM CRY, HE DOESN’T LIKE THAT AT ALL, YOU NEED TO RESPECT HIS BOUNDARIES.

And the boy ran away laughing and jumped on the couch, leaving a trail of glitter everyfuckingwhere, and sending showers of glitter all through the lounge with every jump.

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And everything was not ok but the mum (who tried her best but needed a stiff fucking drink) wanted to make it ok so she got the vacuum cleaner out, but the baby started crying as soon as she put him in his exersaucer, and the boy was still running around the house throwing glitter everywhere and so she said FUCK IT, WE’RE GOING OUT, GO STAND BY THE DOOR AND WAIT FOR ME WHILE I GET THINGS READY.

And everything was still not ok and the mum (who tried her best but was completely ropable) said DO YOU HEAR ME, GO WAIT FOR ME BY THE DOOR, WE’RE GOING OUT.

And then everything was ok for a while because they went to Te Papa and the boy played independently and the baby crawled around and the mum vented on Twitter.

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But things were about to get MUCH worse.

Because the baby started to gag and splutter and go purple. And the mum (who tried her best but was a bit panicked over what he might have eaten on the floor), hooked her finger into his mouth and pulled out… a piece of fucking foil glitter.

And then everything was ok for a while because the baby didn’t die.

But things were about to get worse again, although the baby almost choking is the peak of the bad things, so let’s chill a bit about the rest of it.

Because then they went home. And the house was still covered in glitter. And the mum (who tried her best and felt like this whole things should have been filmed and shown in schools to promote responsible contraception use) put the boy at the table with Doc McStuffins on the laptop and the baby in the highchair with a Cruskit and tried to get some dinner organised.

And everything was ok for a while because it was almost 6.30pm and surely the boy’s dad would be home soon and then he could corral the children and the glitter clean up could begin.

But things were about to get worse.

Because she called the dad and he was only just running to the bus stop. So she yelled WHAT THE FUCK YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME and hung up.

And everything was not ok because the house was absolute glitter chaos.

But even so, things were about to get worse.

Because the mum (who tried her best and figured she’d better clean this shit up), got the vacuum cleaner out, and the baby started howling, and then the boy did a wee in his trousers, and the mum said ARRRGGGHHHHHHHHHH WHY IS THIS MY LIFE.

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And the mum decided to put the boy in a corner of the lounge with the least glitter and set up more Doc McStuffins while she cleaned up. And she put the baby in the decorative but uncomfortable baby carrier purchased on a holiday in Vietnam in freer times when the children were not yet born, and vacuumed up some of the glitter while carrying the baby.

And everything was ok because this was sort of working.

But it was about to get worse again because then she vacuumed up a fucking baby sock and fuck it why are the fucking socks always fucking everywhere.

Then the dad came home and that was a blessing, and the mum unblocked the sock and then spent FORTY FIVE MINUTES vacuuming the house and getting glitter off the floors.

And then everything was ok because the boys were bathed and almost dressed and the floors were vacuumed and it was almost bedtime.

But then the mum (who was holding on by the barest of threads, awaiting the blissful moment when the children fell asleep) realised that the boy had got glitter all through his bed and that still wasn’t cleaned up.

The moral of this story, friends, is that if your mother-in-law gives you some glitter foil stuff for your kids to do art with, you should throw it in the bin immediately.

Eliza Jane is a mum and lawyer who is just finishing her second round of maternity leave. On days like Glitter Day she is stoked about the prospect of sending the kids to daycare soon, where the art activities are better organised. You can read her writing on her blog Tea and Oranges.


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