Are you a child just trying to make it through the break? We have some independent advice for you. 

Like it or not, politicians are looked to as role models. In their commitment to the constituencies they serve, their advocacy for issues that matter and decorum in the House of Representatives, they set an important example for us all. 

One MP who has been prominent in recent times is Casey Costello. A New Zealand First list member and associate minister for health, she has made a series of decisions that have brought merciful rays of light to some of the most downtrodden and vulnerable in our community: tobacco companies. 

Among Costello’s initiatives is winning cabinet approval for a 50% cut in the tax on heated tobacco products. Ministry of Health experts advised against it. So did Treasury officials. They told Costello “that Philip Morris would be the biggest winner from tax cuts for HTPs, which they said were toxic and more harmful than vaping”, RNZ reported.

Costello was having none of that. For she was in possession of, and not for the first time, something stronger, more mysterious and powerful: “independent advice”. It wasn’t Costello’s first advice rodeo, and this time she flat refused to tell reporters where or from whom the independent advice had come. The prime minister said he hadn’t seen the independent advice. And if you think any of that is a problem, I have some independent advice that says (a) it’s fine, and (b) you seem very uptight!  

And so back to the role model point. Like a latter-day Greta Thunberg, Casey Costello is an inspiration to action – specifically, to action against the phalanxes of killjoy “officials” (parents and other various adult bores) hellbent on stopping good stuff happening. This school holidays, let us rise up in the name of fun times and making independent advice work for you. (No responsibility will be accepted for anything, etc.)

Media

Your dad may very well moan about 12 hours straight on TikTok being “too much” or “not healthy” but when you think about it he’s a deadbeat who is routinely found doing Wordle while pretending to be interested in what’s going on in your life. In any case, the independent advice which you read on the internet was to scroll and after that keep scrolling. 

Diet

One minute you’re breaking boundaries in pizza by opening the most expensive can of anything within reach and tipping half of it on the base, the other half down the bench so it seeps into the drawers while grating cheese into every orifice of the kitchen and your own body, and the next minute your nana is, “oh sweetheart, please don’t do that, you’re making a terrible mess and it’s only going to taste foul.” Oh, wow, Nana, didn’t know you were a Michelin-star Neapolitan pizza boss. Mi so very scusa, but I’m just doing what the independent advice independently advised.

Wellbeing

Correct: that box of chocolates sitting in the cupboard above the fridge is not going to eat itself. Yes, Mum, I did happen to notice that it was gift-wrapped with a note attached saying, thanks Steve for the loan of the leaf blower, but I have also been independently advised that the law says once it’s been there for like two weeks it’s anyone’s.

Community

Oh so it’s “antisocial”? “Annoying?” “Bloody embarrassing”, is it? I’ll have you know that according to independent advice, source unconfirmed, God wouldn’t have put horns in cars if God didn’t want children to percussively beep them at great length in supermarket car parks. 

Housing

Are you an idiot? Because when you ask, “can I not do one fucking work call without you relocating your entire bedroom to the bathroom?” the answer is very obvious, right there in the bathroom where all my stuff is. And to be clear: the project was only undertaken following the receipt of independent advice that doing so is “cute” and “adorable”. I will not be taking further questions.

Sport

Only an egomaniac would try to stop a reasonable person from cooling off in the season of spring by chugging a two-litre bottle of orange fizz in one sitting. The advice, given independently? Chug.

Culture

You can sit there weeping and refusing to look me in the eye all you like but my independent adviser has never been clearer: the only way to truly test the potential of a multi-coloured felt-tip 120-pack is to knock out a giant mural with misspelled swear words on the living room wall. 

Transport

The officials are all, “you don’t have a licence, you’ve no idea whatever how to drive”, but all you want to do is grab the keys to the station wagon, crank up the cassette player and open it up on the highway. Our independent advice is – actually OK better not do that. Also please don’t vape.