Jacinda Ardern and Clarke Gayford getting marriage in this photograph sent to us from the future

Jacinda and Clarke: the wedding planner

Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern and her fish-hunting boyfriend Clarke Gayford are getting married, it was revealed today. What will it all involve? Almost certainly these things.

Most likely theme for hen night: Working Group.

Most likely theme for stag do: Catch and Release

Most likely wedding venue: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Hobbiton. Morrinsville RSA.

Most likely to design the bride’s wedding dress: Three different designers. One that knows what the bride wants, one that actively goes against it but does the sewing, and one that protests loudly from outside the room.

Most likely to design the groom’s suit: Hunting and Fishing Couture.

Most available to run the wedding creche: Trevor Mallard.

Most likely to gatecrash: Clare Curran, Andrew Little, Richie Hardcore, Karl Sroubek, whoever is the Australian prime minister.

Most likely to RSVP and not show up:. David Seymour, who is speaking to media outside.

Most likely celebrant: Brian Tamaki. Sue Nicholson channelling Paddles.

Most likely song to walk down the aisle: Lizzie Marvelly, singing what she remembers of the National Anthem.

Most likely to catch the bouquet: Pity the fool who stands in the way of Judith Collins.

Most likely song for first dance: ‘In Colour’ by Shapeshifter.

Most likely to deliver an impromptu speech: Barry Soper: “Do you ever cry at night when you go home?”

Most likely nostalgia act to play reception: Gracinda.

Most likely to DJ: Jacinda Ardern.

Most likely to fight on the dancefloor: Shane Jones and Shane Jones.

Most likely newspaper headline tomorrow: The coalition agreement.

A better option: The Public Fiancé Act.

Most likely headline on political columns: “The wedding is on. But is the honeymoon over?”

Most likely wedding food: Fish.

Most likely wedding cake design: Fish.

Most likely ring bearer: Fish.

No, really, most likely fish bearer: Frodo.

Food for day-after BBQ: Lipstick on a pig on a spit.

Most likely honeymoon destination: The United Nations General Assembly 2020.

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Most likely to stop the wedding in a Graduate-esque scene: Simon Bridges, shouting “SLUSHIES!”

Most likely to spew on the bride: A tie between Neve and Winston.

Celebrant’s final line: “Does the prime minister stand by all her statements?”


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