matariki
Ashley Bloomfield moments before belting out another set at RnV. Image: Archi Banal
Ashley Bloomfield moments before belting out another set at RnV. Image: Archi Banal

PoliticsApril 6, 2022

What will Ashley Bloomfield do next?

Ashley Bloomfield moments before belting out another set at RnV. Image: Archi Banal
Ashley Bloomfield moments before belting out another set at RnV. Image: Archi Banal

The director general of health and pandemic folk hero has revealed he’ll hang up his health-boss boots in July. He’s still a spring chicken, though, so we’ve smashed a couple of Rats up our nose and invited him into the career adviser’s office.

Kia ora koutou katoa, today there is one new case of a beloved director general of health announcing his retirement. What we can say is that he’s put in a big shift and done a mostly splendid job dealing with a nasty bastard of a pandemic. Tempting though it is to berate him for abandoning New Zealanders across the motu, let’s instead say thanks, doc, and collect together some extremely useful suggestions for his next career adventure.

Reality TV journeyman

If he so wishes, the good doctor could spend the rest of his days starring in the very best of New Zealand’s reality formats. He’s such talent they’d probably create new variants just for him. He could sing masked, he could twerk more assiduously than anyone has twerked before on Dancing with the Stars; just imagine what kind of virus-seeping Frankenstein sponge he might create on the Great Kiwi Bake Off. If they brought back the Krypton Factor he’d win that.

Professional rugby player

In July 2020, Dr Bloomfield was the star of the annual Centurions vs Parliamentary XV clash. He dotted down the first try with the precision of a surgeon’s scalpel cutting through flesh. Bloomfield was a member of the first XV at Scots College in Wellington, where his sporting legacy directly inspired the achievements of another New Zealand ball player who attended Scots, Steven Adams (subs pls chk). Also he was born an AB.

Ashley Bloomfield makes a run during the 25th annual parliamentary rugby match. (Photo: Elias Rodriguez/Getty Images)

Wall, Bridges and Bloomfield

I’ve been doing a lot of my own research on the internet lately, and that leaves me with this question: is it really possible that three high-profile resignations in succession are not linked? Do we not have a right to know just what Simon Bridges, Louisa Wall and Ashley Bloomfield are plotting? Just what business and media opportunities are they exploring together? You can see it, can’t you: Wall, Bridges and Bloomfield. Sounds just like an evil law firm or a lovely botanical garden.

Politician

A non-starter. Asked today by media whether he’d consider running for parliament, he replied as if contemplating a thousand fires ripping through his body: “Not. A. Jot.”

Store greeter

Nobody does it better.

Still life model

Somewhere on the list of damage Aotearoa has suffered across the Covid-19 crisis is the sight of Ashley Bloomfield being almost literally sanctified and operating as a human defibrillator for hundreds of desperate and horny New Zealanders. There were literal shrines. If he’s into it (and who are we to judge) there is a rich and long second career for him posing for admiring artists.

The following images are strictly NSFW.

Drum’n’bass MC

Top of the list for festival organisers across Aotearoa next summer? MC Dr B. The collaboration with DJ Dimension will be something else.

Or if that’s not to your tastes, maybe this?

 

Nasopharyngeal ASMR practitioner

I mean …

News announcer

Strictly the 1pm bulletins only.

Some time off

Before he dives headlong into any of the above, of course, Dr B deserves a good long break; who could begrudge him, after all, standing down to spend more time with his family and the Wellington Menace mountain biking group.

The Spinoff’s political coverage is powered by the generous support of our members. If you value what we do and believe in the importance of independent and freely accessible journalism – tautoko mai, donate today.

Mad Chapman, Editor
Aotearoa continues to adapt to a new reality and The Spinoff is right there, sorting fact from fiction to bring you the latest updates and biggest stories. Help us continue this coverage, and so much more, by supporting The Spinoff Members.Madeleine Chapman, EditorJoin Members

Get The Spinoff
in your inbox