A year ago I started a tale
A story with a chapter yet to unveil
Of a world of light and some pretty ugly taniwha
Of a guy called Kevin Davies
And a joke that’s gone too wide and too far
After that speech I had a few requests
To up my game I said I’d try my best
So you’ve probably guessed by now this speech will all rhyme
Apologies if it gets annoying but ten minutes is a long time
So, let’s begin where I ended
Taniwha descending on our land
To bring the world of hope and light to a cold dark blue end
The taniwhas they move closer and closer to the light
Marching in unison right not left just right
Until a man named Todd Muller yelled
“Why are we all following this Simon Bridges fella?”
“I’ll lead you”, he said
“Nikki Kaye by my side”
Make me the leader of this blue taniwha pride
Todd won, with a majority of more than one
Just like his cap read he was ready to make New Zealand great again.
So, yeah that leader didn’t last long
Gone after the tenth week
The future of the blue taniwha pride looked pretty bleak
They needed another new leader
An upcoming star
Then someone yelled, “My husband’s from Samoa, so talofa”.
“Oh, I’ll be the leader, I’ll be the leader”, yelled Judy from the back
“I’ve waited 20 years for this moment I’ll get us back on track”
But taniwhas had doubts
They knew her leadership would take its toll
Given she refused to speak to them or share a single internal poll.
They all marched on anyway with very little hope
Down, down, down their slipper, slippery slope
On the other side of the world, where the light shines bright
Whaea Jacinda and her team wee ready for the fight.
Team, we have a plan
We know there is more work to do
We must not lose this world to the cold, dark blue
Let’s take on these taniwhas, we have battled strong, we will hit them where it hurts by proving what they say is factually wrong.
There will be three challenges that we will undertake
When we get to the battlefield I will need to call on all of my mates
But right now we must head out altogether let’s go and meet the taniwha so we can battle them toe-to-toe
The team of five million descended to see
who would win the election battle of 2020.
The blue taniwhas reared their ugly heads
While the world of light gowned themselves in various shades of red
The first challenge was easy, a quick fire of sorts,
each team had to pick a person who was good at reading financial reports
The master of coin Grant Robertson stepped up for the world of light
Judith pushed forward Paul Goldsmith and whispered, “You better get this one right”
The first question was put, “Add this up if you can”
“Three billion plus another four minus a billion, what is the cost of your plan?”
Goldy excited yelled, “I know I know pick me”
The answer is two billion he yelled with certainty
Grant smirked and said ‘Oh Goldie, not quite, you should have bought your calculator to this fiscal fight”
“You are four billion short, that’s a big hole, are you sure you’re up for the finance role?”
One mil to the world of light, the Red Sea cheered, the Red Sea cheered
The blue taniwhas whispered, “This is worse than we feared”
The next challenge would be tough and not for the faint hearted.
A kapa haka competition was about to get started
The world of light would go first, “Kia mau’, yelled Peeni
The team stood in perfect formation, all at the ready
“Tahi, rua, toru, whā”
“Te Aroha,” the blue taniwha shocked at the glorious sound knew there was very little hope of them winning this round
So Paul Goldsmith from Ngati Epsom thought he would give it a go
Starting a song he thought everyone would know
Oma rapati, oma rapati, oma rapati, oma oma oma.
No one in his team joined in
Not a single taniwha.
Two nil to the world of light
Was there a point in doing a final round?
Whaea Jacinda yelled, “Take nothing for granted, hold your ground”
The final battle was set between Whaea Jacinda and Judy
On the back foot you could feel the blue taniwha were moody
“Right team”, said Judy
“I know how to deal with this, I’m going to sneer and interrupt and call her Ms
That will put her off, you’ll all see by the end of this the winner will be me”
Gerry piped up, “Shouldn’t we say good stuff? Just being condescending and rude might not be enough”
“Shut up,” Judy lashed back at him, “I’m not here to make friends, I’m here to win”
Both leaders approached each other ready to debate
This would determine the world of light’s final fate
Whaea Jacinda armed with knowledge and fact
Judy obviously taking a very different tact
Whaea Jacinda’s team roared as they met face to face
She could feel the support for her team to remain in place
Judy turned to her blue taniwha pride to receive the same boost
But old Judys chicken had all come home to roost
All the taniwhas have vanished, gone, thrown it in
They all knew Judy was never going to win
“Where the hell is everyone, she screeched
“I’m not done”
Simeon Brown squeaked, “I saw them follow Chris Luxton, the guy’s much more fun”
“But I was going to end the world of light,” she said
“And wear the crown”
Whaea Jacinda said, “Best you grab a cup of tea and have a little lie down”
The world of light was saved for another three years, the people rejoiced, the return of the blue darkness they no longer feared
So the story continues the world of light stays in place
Working hard to take care of New Zealanders all at great pace
Until the taniwha in three years time try once again to take over the world of light
Which Labour will defend.
Let’s take a second to remember how this story started
With a tale of sorts that was meant to be light-hearted
In the beginning, before there was light
Nine long years of blue darkness rained like an endless night
Three years in the world of light still shines red and true
Three more years in the light imagine what we can all do.
Now, I can hear, I can already hear you asking
Is there a story number three?
I fear I will not be able to top all this rhyming you see
But I will try bring you yet another story of Whaea Jacinda and the Labour government’s triumphs and glory
For now this is where my story will stop with a final thank you to our Labour whanau, every one of you lot
For keeping us all in the world of light, for slaying the dark blue taniwhas who wanted to bring back the night
Enjoy this time all together as one because ladies and gentlemen
Our story, this story, is far from being done.
Na reira tātou mā, huri rauna, tēna koutou, tēnā koutou, kia ora tātou katoa.
The Spinoff Daily gets you all the day's best reading in one handy package, fresh to your inbox Monday-Friday at 5pm.