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Government launches $950 million fund to help Brent get haircut

Yesterday housing minister Megan Woods trumpeted a grand total of 12 families helped into homes by the new Progressive Home Ownership Scheme. As Danyl Mclauchlan exclusively reveals, that’s not the government’s only hyper-focused new support plan.

Promising “a government that delivers for all New Zealanders”, housing, energy and resource minister Dr Megan Woods has launched a comprehensive plan to deliver an all of sector approach to cutting Brent’s hair, which she described as in a shameful state after nine long years of neglect under the previous National government.

The Labour government will provide wraparound services in partnership with private industry to cut Brent’s hair, Woods explained. “Because it looks disgusting and ridiculous the way it is.”

Full details of the scheme have yet to be released but today Woods confirmed that it provided targeted assistance to Brent, a 36-year-old ukulele composer, TikTok poet and part-time sociology tutor at the University of Canterbury. The scheme will provide ongoing support to radically cut Brent’s hair. “This is a real gamechanger for Kiwi families who are sick of looking at Brent’s hair which is naturally curly and looks fine when short but simply unsustainable at its current policy settings,” Woods explained.

The first phase of the scheme, costed at nearly $1 billion over the first three years, will do policy development and stakeholder consultation on the hair, and “deliver a cross platform social engagement campaign to take taxpayers on this journey with us,” Woods said. Pending the outcome of that policy work and media campaign, $33 will be captured from Brent’s taxable income and used to pay for interim haircuts at Menz Lucenz, a Christchurch based hairdresser. The auditor general will undertake regular audits to make sure taxpayer money is being well spent.

The Progressive Community Filament Curtailment Scheme has drawn harsh criticism, especially from Brent, who was not included in the stakeholder consultation and is prohibited from presenting to the select committee which has oversight of the programme. “What Brent needs to understand is that this is an inclusive journey that he and the government are on together, so it is not appropriate for him to have any input at this time,” Woods explained.

Speaking exclusively to The Spinoff, Brent explained that he grew his hair out during lockdown and then decided to keep it long “because it gets the babes, if you know what I mean.” He added, “Besides, where is it written that we have to look a certain way or have gendered hair cuts? Read some Judith Butler, sheep. In so-called primitive cultures, which were actually much wiser than ours, long hair gave you your strength. And now Megan wants to cut mine off. This is all just so typical of her bullshit.”

Speaking at a Beehive press conference, Megan Woods admitted that she had a previous history with Brent but denied that it had any impact on the scheme. “Just because Brent made some very poor life choices a long time ago, choices that he is now really going to regret, has no impact at all on this flagship policy, which is about kindness and delivering for all New Zealanders.”

Woods also suggested that next phase of the scheme will have additional consequences for Brent, including a clothing advisory committee, “which will confiscate that stupid sheepskin jacket he wears, which he thinks makes him irresistible to women, and replace it with a Hallensteins blazer,” and an emergency assistance scheme to provide refugee children with Brett’s ukuleles – instruments that Brent reportedly uses to compose his love poetry.

“That’s what’s so exciting about this scheme,” Woods told reporters. “It’s only just begun.”




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