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Pop CultureNovember 2, 2015

Television: Shortland Street Power Rankings – The Adventures of Spurious George


Tara Ward brings you this week’s Shortland Street Power Rankings, including Boyd’s doodacky and Harper’s baby blues.

1) Dayna gives it a crack with Knob the Builder

Call off the search: Dayna found The Knob.

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The Knob is actually George the Labourer, a doctor visiting Ferndale on a working visa. George is from England, which is perfect because Dayna loves ‘all those English towns with sex in the name’.

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Quicker than you can say “Cockfosters and Tangley Bottom”, George and Dayna partake in a quaint English tradition – snogging. Perhaps Dayna will introduce George to a charming Ferndale tradition called ‘deep conditioning treatment’.

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Dayna is infatuated. She floats through Ferndale in a giddy haze of post-coital contentment, daydreaming about a future tribe of softly spoken bearded babies. She’s so besotted she doesn’t even notice George wearing her dirty shirt to work. Ew.

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2) Drew is a victim of his own popularity

Drew’s week has more ups and downs than the log flume at Rainbow’s End. Underage Boob Job’s father arrives, full of fury toward the doctor responsible for giving his innocent child a new rack. This is the same innocent child the father left unsupervised while he travelled the world, but we’re not here to judge. (Wrong, we’re totally here to judge).

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To make matters worse, Drew’s evil wife Virginia turns up. She nicks Drew’s car and spends his money on fancy ladies knickers. Is this why Drew is so tetchy? Does he need new undies too?

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Virginia is clever, conniving, and keen to screw Drew over. I love her already. The only way it could get worse for Drew would be if Virginia were to get a job as Rachel’s PA. But that would never happen, right?

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It just did. Yet Drew’s luck changes when he and Rachel – dressed as a flight attendant – publicizing their pro-bono work for breast cancer patients on prime time television.

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And if national fame wasn’t enough for Drew, the Medical Council clears him of any wrongdoing. Plastic surgery patients around the world rejoice!

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3) Lucy’s cupid shoots an arrow into the World Wide Web

Lucy is a special little snowflake. She loves soap and fairies and probably fills her emails and texts with smiley faces and exclamation marks. LOL!! Ever the believer in true love, Lucy turns to social media to help Dayna find The Knob.

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All she finds is Damo, who’s desperate for either a quick feel-up in the supplies cupboard or some free soap. He’s not picky, nor does he mind smelling like a girl. “It would be like having Lucy in the shower,” he drools.

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Don’t be too hasty, Lucy. Imagine waking up to this every morning.

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Lucy turns to Internet dating to find her own perfect man. “He can’t be into drugs, or death metal, or keep anything in a cage.” Personally, I think her standards are too high.

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Hello, sailor. Lucy’s online search strikes it lucky first time, offering up this suave specimen. It’s Todd, computer specialist. Hold the phone: an IT specialist? Pal of love-spurned Damo, perhaps?

4) Boyd’s doodacky propels him to superhero status

Boyd is a superhero hiding in a navy wool suit. He whips up a cool little doodacky in his 3D printer that will totally save the world, and also fix little Stevie’s breathing problems.

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The operation has never been performed in New Zealand, but Boyd fights his way through multiple layers of governmental policy and procedure in one afternoon to get the go-ahead. Considering it took me three hours to find the IRD contact details on their website, this is a superhuman effort from Boyd.

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What’s this? Shaky hands on a surgeon about to perform a life-saving operation on a teeny-tiny baby? Not on your nelly, Boyd. With nerves as steady as a Dan Carter drop goal, Boyd successfully inserts the doodacky into Stevie’s throat whatsit. The baby is saved, Bella gushes happy tears, and Boyd loves himself sick.

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5) Margaret steals money to fund a non-lavish lifestyle

Naughty Margs dips into the hospital accounts again, creating fake cancellation fees to fund her new wardrobe purchases.

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Alarm bells ring when Drew tries to access the accounts. Even worse, Curtis’ pointy arms are onto Margaret’s secret, and he reminds Margaret that she’ll go to prison if she gets caught.

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At least she’ll have a $400 coat to wear in the slammer.

6) Harper says nay-nay to the bay-bay

This is Harper’s ‘just realized my fiancée wants to have kids and I don’t’ face.

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And this is Harper trying to convince Boyd to get drunk and not talk about babies.

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At dinner Boyd knows something’s wrong with Harper, and it’s not just the fact she chose the lamb when he suggested she’d prefer the fish. “If you want a baby making factory, you’re marrying the wrong woman,” she tells him.

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“I should have had the fish too,” thinks Boyd.

7) Everything about George screams RUN DON’T WALK

Dayna loves everything about George; how his curls spring back into place when she runs her fingers through them, how he has a different flannel shirt for each day of the week, how soft and wispy his beard is.

Breaking news: George is as dodgy as Wendy’s chickpea curry.

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Here’s why:

  •  George is a “foreign doctor” and immediately sketchy when Dayna suggestthey visit his parents in the UK. I suspect George from England is actually Tony from Hamilton who puts on an English accent and hangs out in Bunnings just to impress the ladies.

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  • George thinks it’s romantic to blindfold Dayna and take her to a secluded place. Others might consider this kidnapping. Either way, I’ve watched Oprah episodes about men pulling this shit to know it never ends well.

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  • George’s ideal date is an English tea party in a gazebo filled with bunting and birdcages.

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The birdcages are a feminist metaphor, Dayna. George is really a fuzzy-faced psycho who wants to entrap you in his giant birdcage, stroke your feathers while he hand feeds you a mix of seeds and nuts, and never let you out again. Fly free, Dayna. Flap those wings and get the hell away from this bedraggled maniac.

Where will next week take us on the rollercoaster ride that is Shortland Street? Will George come back from ‘England’ (Hamilton) to be with Dayna? Will Boyd and Harper resolve their baby issues? Most importantly, will Drew make it to the next level of Candy Crush?

Click here to watch Shortland Street on TVNZ Ondemand

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