Pop CultureJune 4, 2024

Married at First Sight NZ Power Rankings: Trapped in a jam jar of emotions


Alex Casey delivers her power rankings for week two of Married at First Sight NZ, in which trouble has officially been found in paradise. 

Last week the light of Mike Pero shone down upon Michael from The Apprentice, but this week a new divine entity stepped into its potency: the MAFS gods. Communicating through the holy method of Samsung flip phone, the gods professed that it was time for our couples to start getting serious about their relationships. And everyone knows that the very best way to do this is to confess one’s deepest traumas and fears while awkwardly holding various pieces of tropical fruit. 

Due to production blowing the budget on emotional support mangoes, the final wedding between Cara and Jesse saw the bride and groom unable to bring a single guest. Not to worry, though, our friendly rent-a-crowd of MAFS participants were more than happy to play seat filler and offer the newlyweds sage advice from their roughly 48 hours of wedded bliss. “Just breathe,” said Madeleine, which is something I think we can all relate to. Onto the rankings!

5. Kara and Michael

Despite Michael’s cup continuing to overfloweth with gratitude, Kara was a little more glass half empty this week. “I don’t want to feel dull behind his shine,” she mused while her husband tossed an inflatable llama around the pool in neon shorts. “I feel like it’s the Mike show.” She’s also wary of the fact he tried to negotiate product placement for his sleep supplement range on the show, not to mention his brazen hard launch of this new line of plant-based hair pieces. 

You’re hired

When Kara raised her concerns about losing her voice in their relationship, Michael’s response was bristlier than a beard after an impossibly close range hair drying session. “It just feels like you are bailing after three days,” he snapped. “You are putting smoke and mirrors in front of this.” A remarkably unchill response from someone who deep breathes for a living, which left Kara gently placing this request with production for her next romantic date with her husband. 

“When you’re stuck in the jam jar, you don’t know what the label looks like,” Michael would later reflect with the other grooms. The men all nodded sagely, but little did they know Michael had just soft launched another range of sleep supplement preserves. Mike Pero shook his fist to the sky for letting this bearded man walk out of his boardroom without a business deal, and Kara was left with only this avant-garde lipgloss application method as her final cry for help. 

Somebody help her

4. Madeleine and Nathaniel

Aside from their adrenaline-packed date which saw Madeleine channeling her inner guinea pig squeal, this was about as vulnerable as things got between these two this week: 

3. Stephanie and Piripi

Stephanie has travelled the world, strived for perfection in her career and wants a man who is looking to build a home and a life. Piripi loves rope swings, Crate Day and Dragonball Z, but at least they both have the same favourite colour (yellow). Things were looking dicey for the pair after Piripi attempted to throw his new wife into the lagoon (twice), but then they wore the same outfit to the pool party, which is basically the strongest moment of unity we’ve seen on the show so far. 

2. Cara and Jesse

Not to be confused with Kara, who is from Christchurch and looking for a man over six feet tall, Cara is from Christchurch and looking for a man over six feet tall. Luckily, she may have met her match in Jesse. They both have a passion for finance, they both have blindingly white teeth, and she owns a golden retriever while he has been described as a golden retriever. Based on this interaction, are we sure he’s not actually a golden retriever in a man costume?

1. Samantha and James

Things have been going swimmingly for Samantha and James, and not just because he managed to get her swimming in the ocean for the first time in over a decade. He didn’t blink when she revealed she had a son, she didn’t make him feel self-conscious about his sleep apnea, and he was even courteous enough to put her ice roller back in the fridge after she used it. A very wise man once said something about not labelling a jam jar while you’re inside it, but I’m going to go ahead and label these two a very sweet match indeed. 

Married at First Sight airs Sun-Tuesday 7pm on Three and here on ThreeNow

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