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Pop CultureJune 6, 2017

Survivor Power Rankings, Week Five – The chips are down for Mike


Superfan Joseph Harper tackles the fourth week of Survivor NZ, including Barb’s third death and a French fry feast. Click here for last week.

We have a merge! Great stuff. All the sweeter for the nice All Blacks themed buffs. As suspected, the likely lads’ plan of ‘treat everyone who isn’t in our alliance badly’, didn’t come off and now they could be in for a Pagonging. Go the boys. Go one by one to Redemption Island.

On the other hand, hope springs anew for Shay and the Shay-faithful among us (me). She might finally get her chance to get Tom out of the game! Then again, with Lee and – if I read correctly the silly inclusion of him voting without an immunity necklace in the ‘next time on Survivor’ preview – Mike out of the picture, the majority have enough of a buffer that they might decide to pull some buzzy stuff.

Main takeaways

The less visually stimulating highlights/lowlights include the crazy low-hanging immunity necklace and the fact that Matty Ice didn’t make a single funny balls pun during the challenge with balls. But mostly it was a real foodie’s paradise this week. First and foremost – literal takeaways:

Call me casual, but I did not foresee a massive plate of chips being part of the merge feast. Speaking of divination, congrats to my brother who had $5 on the phrase “survivor enchilada (survivor stuffed tortilla)” appearing as a subtitle at some point during the season.

How about this genuine Bruce Bogtrotter alert?!

Get the Trunchbull on the horn! Also funny that they kept calling the cake “the little brown beauty”.

#1 AVI

Avi continues to have his finger on the various pulses of the game. He’s also introducing pretty extreme measures to ensure transparency.

Everyone seems to like Avi but, for some reason, nobody’s talking about how they can’t beat him at the end. Hmmm.


For the third time this season, Barb was pronounced legally dead this week. Just like The Undertaker, she once again rose up and choke slammed the lil diva boys who were mean to her and Nate back in the olden times.

Call me evil, but I’m loving this brutal Barb that talks shit about people while sloshing her cab-sav out of her coconut and referencing decapitation. It’s cool. Go Barb.


I don’t think it’s ever a good sign when the editors use footage of you napping. Snoozers are losers.

Still, if Nate and Barb are going to drive this Survivor car right through to the game’s end, they need to be well rested (ala those signs on State Highway One).


I swear on the Survivor gods that when Shay won her way back into the game I jumped off my couch and did a fist pump and pulled the fingers at each and every member of El Entente Enchilada.

Shay’s back baby, and it’s time for some sick revenge.

#5 TOM

Nobody is buying Tom’s fake non-vote for Shay for even a second, yet the teacher from Tauranga survives another week. Will he be karmically owned for sacking up with the He-man Woman Haters alliance? Will Avi still love him when he finds out that Tommy has been playing rice and beans with Jak? I have no idea. Screentime alone suggests Tommy is here for a while longer. This teacher… has tenure.


How is everybody else getting tanned as hell, but Shannon is becoming more and more like the demon from the Grudge every week!?

Maybe I’m naive, but I have a feeling the alliance formerly known as Boytown are going to 100% overlook their own exhaustive alienation of their fellow tribe mates and instead 100% blame Shannon for their demise. Even though I’m loving Shannon and her cool sneaky gameplay, I don’t like the outlook for Geraldine’s finest.


Who wouldn’t want to give this lovely man 100k? Shay even bequeathed her lovely sarong to Sala. This is exactly the issue, unfortunately. Everyone loves Sala. Everyone knows everyone loves Sala. There’s no way anyone is stupid enough to take him to the end and guarantee a drumming.


It started so well for Mikey. There was cake. There was a massive meal of hot chippies.

But then it turned bad. He saw his alliance placed under the thumb of Nate and Barb, and the apple of his Survivor eye sent packing. Cue depressed stare into the middle distance:

The player with the nicest hair in Nicaragua is about to have his chicken bros come home to roost. Unless he wins immunity (like I said, I don’t think this will be the case based on the teaser), I don’t see a world in which Mike isn’t sent packing nek week. 

Of all the players left though, Mike probably has the best shot of making a redemption run back into the game.

#9 JAK

Jak is seemingly barely tolerated by his tribe mates. His alliance is in tatters, but if the others are on the good oil, they should recognise that Jak looks like a pretty succulent goat at this stage and drag his ass to the end.

Jak’s game is looking totally out of his hands at this point, which isn’t a great place to be. And that is to say nothing of the disrespectful unlicensed acapella Audioslave clip (RIP Chris Cornell). Too soon bro.

#10 LEE

I don’t think this could have been a more obvious boot episode for Lee. The man with the million dollar locks has been totally absent and then, boom, this week it’s screentime ahoy. I guess maybe it’s good he hasn’t featured much if he has been regularly going on these tradie reigns of terror. Cocksie he ain’t.

Rude viral cop imho.

GEORGIA (Eliminated)

I thought Georgia was a pre-merge spark plug, so it’s gutting to see her go down like this. Still, at least she went out with a kind of badass dummy spit.


RIP Georgia.

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