Alex Casey power ranks an agonising final week on The Traitors NZ.
One of the many genius things about The Traitors is that the finale doesn’t feel like most reality television finales. Where the finals of Love Island and Celebrity Treasure Island have the same energy as going to a Friday night Mamma Mia singalong with your friends (jubilation, happy tears, laughing), the finale of The Traitors feels more like watching Lars Von Trier’s Antichrist on a grey hungover Sunday with your brother (descent into hell, nobody talks afterwards).
Before we get into it, let us take a moment to acknowledge again how truly outstanding this season has been. The Spinoff has long waxed lyrical about the potential for reality television to showcase our nation in all its complexity and beautiful weirdness, and every now and again there is a moment that proves us right. Last year it was James Mustapic and Tāme Iti arm-in-arm, this year it might just be tradie Jason affixing a rose to his high vis vest before going to dinner with Paul Henry.
It’s these sort of moments that also force one to ask: what is television? What is life? And why was this finale guest-directed by Ed Gein? I know last year we got Colin Mathura-Jeffree scoffing eyeballs while Brooke Howard-Smith was up to his own in cockroaches, but these individual missions were next level. Siale’s maggot-infested sheets looked far too lived-in for my liking, as did Bailey’s sewage tunnel. Also, is it legal to show a mouse autopsy on television?
RIP to that mouse, but also RIP to the many salt of the earth Kiwi legends who met their maker during the final week of The Traitors NZ. While I’m sure they all would have preferred to come away with a fat stack of silver bars, at least they hopefully get to keep their weird AI portrait of themselves wearing ruffled collars and other colonial garb, freshly adorned with a gorgeous painted red cross on their face. Onto the rankings!
Murdered: Cat (Faithful)
Curiosity killed the cat this week. And when I say curiosity, I mean Siale. She would not let go of their famed forgotten blackmail conversation (a chat that has now been referenced nearly as many times as hoof-gate), and as a result sadly found herself at the end of her nine lives.
Murdered: Professor Spanky (Unclear)
The biggest M Night Shyamalan twist of the season is that these camp Chinese Crested hairless dogs seem to be Paul Henry’s actual dogs, rather than gag dogs?! Fun fact: our Chinese Crested had one litter of hairless puppies back in the 2000s and we had to moisturise them every day. Is this what Paul Henry is doing with his retirement? And whatever happened to Professor Spanky? Makes you think.
Banished at the roundtable: Noel (Faithful)
No matter what you thought of this fellow, who was somehow from both the Big Apple (New York) and the Bad Crapple (Invercargill), you gotta respect Noel for lasting this long. After finally being banished, he delivered a rousing closing monologue that painted an even more confusing picture of the 22-year-old writer. “I’ve been an actor since the age of nine and a very capable poker player since I have been old enough to hold the cards,” he said. Proposing a new viral challenge where Gen Z faithfuls have to try and fight the urge to reveal they are an actor, due to it 1) having no bearing on anything in the game and 2) being a bit annoying.
Banished at the roundtable: Siale (Traitor)
Whoever designed Siale’s final mission should be banished to the underworld. This poor man had to have a sleepover with what he described as “a million trillion” maggots and flies, and then had to put his head in a box filled with roaches and recount every murder and banishment in order. Given that some cockroaches can live up to two years, is there any chance that some of them got a callback after doing such a stunning number on Brooke Howard-Smith last year? Do cockroaches have an agent? A showreel? An appearance fee? Anyway, Siale got banished and those cockroaches should probably join a union.
Banished at the firepit: Joe (Faithful)
“I came in here not knowing how to play the game. I still don’t, and now I’m here at the grand final,” Joe cackled into his final breakfast. While he consistently turned out the most resplendent outfits of the season, building up to a truly awe-inspiring full sequinned suit for the fire pit, Joe couldn’t quite make it all the way after getting too hot-headed and acting out at the final roundtable (for the record, Joe is not an actor, but did admit he “acted as if I was straight half my life”).
Perhaps it was due to many gallons of hot sauce coursing through his veins, but Joe lashed out just a tad too much, yelling “C’MON MISS LITTLE BO PEEP, MISS GUILTY BAILEY” across the table. Of course, he was right about Bailey, but the overblown performance was perhaps just enough for Donna to silently decide to soon banish him around the firepit, sealing his fate in sequin glory forever. On god and on family, you were one of the all-timers, Joe. See you back for Traitors: All Stars.
Banished at the firepit: Jason (Faithful)
So close, but so far. Jason had a promising start after pinning a beautiful red rose to his tradie vest and winning Paul Henry’s double dagger at dinner (which, by the way, might as well have been a group date of The Bachelor NZ). That gave him an extra vote, which got Noel out of the picture, and allowed Jason to spend seven whole hours assembling a dossier of questions on people of interest without having to fret about how someone can be from New York and Invercargill at the same time.
On his final mission Jason was asked to abseil down a cliff facing forwards, which of course he loved almost as much as getting electrocuted and getting taken hostage by armed strangers. “Took me back 20 years,” he grinned. Even when the climb got tough, he found strength in all the faithfuls that had fallen before him. Bree, with her wedding to plan. Stephen, with his “Feck off, I’m retired” hat. Molly, still trying to figure out how to use a VHS.
Jason calmly laid out his case against Bailey, wearing the spiritual horsehair wig left to him by Judge Utah. “She has been a great traitor but the cracks are starting to shine,” he said, later musing “the truth is what sets us free”. Alas, Jason was set free despite his unwavering truthfulness and commitment to health and safety (high vis). “It was never about the money for me, it was about the objectives,” he said as he left the game. “And I know I got them all.”
Shafted in a resplendent orange jacket: Donna (Faithful)
It’s hard to write about what happened to Donna and not start crying over the keyboard, so I am going to try and delay the final moments for as long as possible. First of all, can we talk about the aplomb with which she dissected and reassembled that mouse? She found the intestines way too quickly and looked way too relaxed stitching it all back together. Maybe The Traitors greatest prize is not the money at all, but in finding a second wind as a taxidermist?
I joke, I jape. All the dead mice in the world couldn’t change the fact that Donna was genuinely devastated by the reveal that her closest pal Bailey had been a Traitor for half the game and lied to her face. Her mouth crumpled as she put her hand over her face, sobbing inconsolably as Bailey muttered “sorry Donna” at an appropriately mousey volume. As Donna collected herself and straightened out her stunning tangelo-coloured finale jacket, she spoke through brimming tears.
“The one thing I did not want was to be a fool, and I just have been, and I am so hurt.”
Shout out to Paul Henry for stepping in here. “You know Donna, that hasn’t happened,” he said sagely. “You have made it right to the end of this game. You have played this game spectacularly.” Beautiful words from a surprising ally in the eleventh hour. She may not have come away with the prize money, but all signs point to a couple of upcoming Chinese Crested taxidermy jobs on the horizon.
WINNER: Bailey (Traitor)
My heart was in my throat for Bailey, the introverted videographer thrown into a hellish scenario when she was forced to become a Traitor just a few weeks ago. But thanks to a low profile and general likeability, she was able to fly under the radar all the way to the final firepit, where her deep connection with Donna saw her take out the whole entire game. “I see Donna and she’s smiling at me, and I’m trying to give her the same smile I’ve always given her,” Bailey sobbed.
When it came time to reveal the traitorous truth, Bailey whispered “this is my worst nightmare” under her breath and could barely look Donna in the eye. “I’m a traitor,” she blurted out, nervously smiling and tucking her hair behind her ear with the casualness of someone revealing they are vegetarian at a meat-only barbeque. But the magnitude was far greater than rushing in a last minute legume dish: Bailey was left crying inconsolably too, despite just winning $73,000.
“This game finds those who deserve to win,” said Henry, hugging Bailey with black burglar gloves that implied he had recently stolen the entirety of the prize money from a nearby bank. “That game is called The Traitors, and you are victorious – the ultimate traitor.” And lucky for you, we’ll have an interview with Bailey, the ultimate traitor, tomorrow morning. But will she be telling the truth to us? We’ll never know for sure.