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Pop CultureSeptember 6, 2018

The Block NZ, week 9: A David Seymour appears

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We’ve hit the arse end of The Block NZ like a human Birdman belly-flopping into the ocean. It’s Kitchen and Dining week! Tara Ward recaps.

On the now-seemingly-annual Kitchen and Dining Week, hopes are chopped into tiny pieces and dreams will be burned alive in the Breville slow cooker of our hearts. Never before has a small space meant so much, and never before has the word ‘scullery’ been so important.

Also this week on your favourite renovation show: people throw themselves into the sea.

Really hope they checked the water safety on this one before diving in.

Scullery, scullery, stick it in your shrubbery. By this point, we’ve sat through 36 episodes of this behemoth of a show. That’s over 40 hours of matching avocado pants and Stu painting a canvas with his arse; 40 hours of toilet paper challenges and wheelbarrow mud rides and Mark Richardson hiding in portaloos. I’m exhausted. Somebody give the nation a medal, The Block NZ is taking its toll.

It’s even too much for eternal rays of sunshine Chlo and Em. “We don’t know what we’re putting in, we don’t know what it is, what it’s doing there, how it got there, who are we, what is this?” they cried. Hard to know if they were talking about their kitchen storage or the meaning of life, but let’s build a tall tower out of marshmallows and dry spaghetti and call it a draw.

Guess who does know the meaning of life? David twerking Seymour. Old mate David popped up to judge the Bird(wo)man Challenge, cementing his side-career as Mediaworks’ brightest reality star. Next stop, MAFS: David Seymour? Scoff ye not, especially after David slipped the term “seduction corruption” into a challenge featuring four strangers dressed up as giant birds.

Which one of these guys learned smiling from an alien? Answer: Both!

Bless you, David Seymour. In the words of eighteenth-century poet Jon Bon Jovi, I want to lay you down on a bed of marshmallows and raw spaghetti. But there’s no time. Surrender your portaloo shower, give me all your carpet squares, and let’s cover this week’s power rankings like a stinky drop sheet covered in Chlo & Em’s faeces.

1) Ben and Tom

A gritty Wild Thornberries reboot, surely.

Shroud me in spider ferns and dangle me over Ben and Tom’s kitchen void, because this week Ben and Tom achieved the impossible: they finally won a room. They climbed their renovation Everest, planted a flag of raw spaghetti at the top, and bathed in the glory of building the best garage in all of Hobsonville Point, nay, the universe. It’s a miracle, it’s a masterpiece, I’m as proud as if they were the fruit of my own marshmallowy loins.

2) Chlo and Em

Whomst among us hasn’t chased a Mr. Whippy truck like this?

See, this is what The Block NZ does to us. It treats us mean, it keeps us keen, and then it drives off into the sunset without a single thought for the finest clown duo the nation has ever known. The Block NZ’s one true love affair between Chlo and Em and their portaloo shower was over before it began, and now all they have left are their memories. Memories, and marshmallows. Mmm, marshmallows.

3) Stu and Amy

Like looking at the Sistine Chapel tbh.

4) Claire and Agni

Stop, Icarus, lest ye fly too close to the sun.

Blame it on the rain, blame it on the boogie, blame it on Agni dusting the stairs with a leaf blower. I don’t know what any of it means anymore, so let us all pray that Claire and Agni’s stealth glider can guide us all to safety, thank you and goodnight.

Keep going!