It’s week two of New Zealand’s favourite reality show, and there’s a new villain in town. Tara Ward power ranks.
Welcome back to the second week of celebrities doing weird things on a beach for our entertainment, and what a cracker of a week it was. The weather was terrible, the challenges were bewildering and the entire game was turned upside down by the arrival of a comedian hell bent on causing chaos.
Intruder Mike King swept onto the beach like a human tornado, ready to rampage through camp leaving a trail of destruction in his wake. Mike played this game by his own rules, and set out to heckle the hosts, harass his competition and destroy secret alliances. It was incredible to watch, but before Hurricane Mike does any more damage, let’s pick up our potatoes and commando roll into this week’s power rankings.
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Eliminated: Eds Eramiha
In what Matt Chisholm called an “absolute ripsnorter” of an elimination challenge, Eds was beaten by a trampolinist who was slightly faster at moving a ball through chicken wire. “Shit, I’m excited,” The Chiz said during the tense challenge, but when Dylan won and Eds left, everyone was just sad.
Eliminated???: Mike King???
Roll me up in chicken wire and send me out to sea, because Mike King shook CTI up more than the time Art Green went home without his shorts. Hurricane Mike should be sitting at the top of these rankings, given he landed in a cloud of heat and fury and unleashed a frenzy of hectic moves. He formed a secret multi-team alliance and then exposed it to everyone, argued with Karen O’Leary and called his mate Melodie Robinson a cow, and just when we were wondering what tricks he could have left, nominated himself to leave the entire competition.
It was the cliffhanger to end all cliffhangers, but surely this kind of anarchy can’t be sustained long term. If The King does abdicate, he will have caused maximum damage with minimum effort, and if he stays, he’ll continue being an agent of chaos. Gone? Maybe, but never forgotten.
The rest
18. Ron Cribb
An intruder, extruding. Until Ron Cribb enters the game, he’s just a man, sitting in some flax.
17. Dr Joel Rindelaub
A shocking drop in rankings, mostly because Joel struggled to answer Cam Mansel’s question about whether he’d consider living on another planet. What if it was Planet Science, Dr Joel? What if inflation was really low there? Look, Mike King just blew this game apart. Interplanetary living is our only hope right now.
16. Jesse Tuke
Another quiet week for Jesse, who seemed slightly confused by all of Mangō’s strat chat. If he thinks that’s perplexing, wait until Cam asks him if he wants to live on another planet.
15. Perlina Lau
Successfully threw a coconut when her other teammates failed to throw their coconuts. Like all celebrities stuck on a deserted island like to say, small wins can end in big victories.
14. Cam Mansel
Cam may be trapped in Team Kauri’s relentless Lynette-Susan-Melodie power struggle, but he also had the unexpected worry of carrying Dr Joel’s butt during a charity challenge. “All of a sudden I feel his buttcheeks on my back,” may well be the quote of the season, so good luck to one and all.
13. Cassie Roma
Cassie doesn’t want CTI to be a game of secrets, which is either admirable or an absolutely batshit tactic. Cassie had no qualms about telling Mike about the secret female alliance, and may as well have offered up her computer passwords, her PIN and all her hopes and dreams while she was at it.
But what if spilling her guts was actually a genius play? What if Cassie was using Mike as a pawn in her game and getting him to blow everything apart, knowing he’d peak before the week was out? Are those buttcheeks I feel on my back? We need answers.
12. Iyia Liu
Lost her captaincy to Intruder Mike, may or may not be in the female alliance. Onwards and upwards.
11. Karen O’Leary
You don’t get to be a fictional ghost-hunting police officer without picking up some tricks of the trade, and Karen knew there was something suspicious in Alex’s meeting with Melodie and Elvis. There was also tension with both Kings, and Karen had to remind herself to “calm my farm”. Words to live by, even if you don’t like agriculture.
10. Lynette Forday
Learned the hard way that Dame Susan Devoy does not like her jokes. RIP all of us.
9. Siobhan Marshall
Grab the possum under your bed and put its paws in the air to salute Siobhan, who is pumping breast milk while she’s sleeping in a shack with a bunch of strangers on a deserted island, and also singlehandedly solved the the tricky puzzle in the face off challenge and led her team to victory. A legend.
8. Shimpal Lelisi
It’s about time someone quoted Shakespeare on CTI, and it took a man who talks to his beans in the morning to do it. “I ain’t Hamlet, but I know that something’s rotten in the state of Denmark, mate,” Shimpal said of his alliance with Alex, although sadly he didn’t mention the Bard’s other famous line, “are thoueth buttcheeks I feeleth upon mine back?”
7. Dylan Schmidt
“I really miss my trampoline,” Dylan told us this week. I really miss my pelvic floor, especially when I am on a trampoline. We are stronger together, Dylan.
6. Courtenay Louise
A rough week for Courtenay, who watched her alliance crumble and her team roll over to have their tummy scratched by Intruder Mike. Courtenay may be this year’s Edna, an astute player fighting hard to get traction, but at least she helped her team win a big tray of nachos. Nachos must be protected at all costs.
5. Elvis Lopeti
Elvis is playing a long game by setting up an alliance with Melodie and Alex, but in the meantime, he’s distracting everyone by taking his pants off mid-challenge. “That is good to watch,” Matt Chisholm said as Elvis disrobed, which is… fine? I’m sure it’s fine.
4. Te Kohe Tuhaka
Reckoned snot is sticky. Can’t argue with that.
3. Melodie Robinson
Melodie’s week began well, but it ended with Mike King calling her out in public and everyone identifying her as a major threat. Listen, you don’t make nachos without whipping cream and you don’t win a charity challenge without putting your buttcheeks on someone else’s back. These are the rules. Play hard.
2. Alex King
Her team may be getting smaller, but Alex is gaining power. She’s in three different alliances, her dad has pulled strings to protect her, she keeps winning challenges and she enjoyed a lovely morning tea of pastries and coffee. Bravo.
1. Dame Susan Devoy
“My eyes feel like pissholes in the snow,” Dame Suzy D said after a shitty night at camp, but that didn’t stop her giving foot massages to her teammates, playing Wordle in the sand and demanding Lynette explain herself when she made a joke. “I’ve just got to learn to chill,” Susan said, but it’s hard when Mike’s playing mind games and Melodie’s scheming for power. Luckily, The Dame has eyes and ears everywhere. She sees all, she hears all, she is an omnipotent former world squash champion who probably cracks the Wordle on her first go, every single time. Terrifying.
Celebrity Treasure Island screens Monday-Wednesday at 7.30pm on TVNZ 2 and streams on TVNZ+.