Dreams toppled this week on Treasure Island, as we farewelled a whopping four castaways. Tara Ward power ranks the drama.
Roll your barbecue down the beach in celebration, because this week the Fans and Faves merged into one. It was a blessed union that nobody saw coming, but it meant the Fans could finally get up close with famous people, as if they were visiting some kind of rustic celebrity zoo. The Faves were irritated by the squatters in their home and the Fans quickly discovered that celebrities are human too, but Lance Savali bonding with Katie through the power of a hand hug might well be the highlight of this entire silly little game.
But by the end of the week, the Fans were an endangered species. Art Green won an advantage that let him control a major elimination, and now it feels like the power pendulum has swung hard towards the Faves. Still, Lana made some delightfully weird noises in the charity challenge, Joe is planning to build an empire based on an Art Green OnlyFans account and a wonky tower of whales gave us one of the show’s most memorable moments, ever. It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey, right? Let’s rip into the rankings.
ELIMINATED: Katie Middleton
Like a spicy noodle passing through an intestine, Katie slipped away too soon. There was no finer sight this week than Katie “unlocking” her hero Lance Savali through the power of interpretive dance, or convincing him to hand hug, or simply pretending to be “a tennis ball but the tennis ball was sad”. Lance and Katie’s connection could have been the unlikely alliance of our dreams, but then Wardie ruined everything by nominating Katie for elimination. Fly free, sweet noodle. We are all sad tennis balls now.
ELIMINATED: Anna Thomas
Doing the dishes always sucks, and now it sucks even more that a fierce competitor like Anna is gone. To be undone by a pile of wobbly crockery is a cruel twist of fate, and I will never unload the dishwasher again without thinking of this terrible turn of events.
ELIMINATED: Adam O’Brien
Look, this is going from bad to worse. Who will delight us with salty commentary now that Adam has left? Who will give Joe Cotton’s snoring the respect it deserves? Now all we have left is Art Green saying “my speciality is insects” on repeat. Let that be a lesson to us all.
ELIMINATED: Jane Yee
Call the police, I wish to report a crime. If you didn’t already hate the wind, then watching Jane’s long-standing tower collapse in the final three seconds of the elimination challenge will make you loathe it with every fibre of your being. This was one of the unluckiest eliminations in Treasure Island history, but big hand hugs to Jane for also making it one of the classiest exits ever. No doubt her heart fell to pieces faster than that tower of wooden whales, but she did us proud, she did herself proud, and she did flatpack barbecues the most proud of all. Is it too early to campaign for a redemption season? I didn’t think so.
8. Alex King
More highs and lows for The King this week, who reunited with the Faves only for Wardie to reveal her secret plan to eliminate Lance and Art to his new BFFs, Lance and Art. Now Lance wants Alex gone, but she keeps muttering something about being a pigeon surrounded by tigers. It’s the circle of life, so hakuna matata.
7. Joe Cotton
Last week she dressed up like Harley Quinn, this week she enjoyed an awkward steak dinner with Art Green and then used her eyeliner to turn Matty McLean into a pirate. She also wore some incredible stripey knee-high socks to a sweaty tropical challenge. Simply true bliss.
6. Dave Ward
Wardie’s the last remaining Fan in the game, and while he beat Art Green in the immunity challenge (Art Green: “I let Wardie win”), he’s also got some questions on his mind. What is time? What does “in time” really mean? We have questions too, Wardie. When is it time for the women to team up and vote out Art and Lance? Most important of all, where can we get our hands on a True Bliss t-shirt?
5. Lana Searle
A message in a bottle just washed up on the beach and inside was this magical poem.
Lana, you are good at Twister
You love Joe Cotton like a sister
I like your charity that bakes
Lots and lots and lots of cakes
I liked how you sang the alphabet
During the challenge against Mat
Ty McLean and Art Green
I’m just sorry you didn’t win
Especially because you said your singing was jazzy.
4. Dame Susan Devoy
A tough week for the former world champ, who couldn’t show less enthusiasm for this silly little game right now. She’s missing her son, she’s sodden to the core, and she doesn’t give a flip about stupid rocks hanging from stupid trees on that stupid beach. “Whoop de doo!” she said after winning an elimination battle, and it’s hard to argue with that.
3. Matty McLean
A terrifying start to the week from Matty, but happy to confirm that his impassioned roar to camera worked a treat. Absolutely nobody came for, nor messed with Matty McLean, although he did faint after a challenge and collapse into Bree Tomasel’s arms like a big old spicy noodle. Absolute scenes all round.
2. Art Green
Art held the game in his hands when he won the power to nominate three players in a double elimination. His decision decimated the Fans, and if the rest of these celebs don’t crack their rocks together and get this physical beast out pronto, Art will win this competition quicker than we can say “steak dinner”. Art’s only weak point is that he appears to be playing a game that involves him simply… keeping in the people he likes? What is this, The Bachelor NZ?
1. Lance Savali
This feels way too easy for Lance. He’s in a tight alliance with a man who’s basing his entire game on who he vibes with, and a former weatherman who wants to be a pirate. All Lance has to do is sit back, pull a few spicy noodles and watch his mates do all his dirty work, while also having a lovely holiday on the beach of dreams. Genius at work, Lance at play.
Treasure Island: Fans v Faves screens Monday-Wednesday at 7.30pm on TVNZ2 and streams on TVNZ+.