Pop CultureFebruary 22, 2016

Shortland Street Power Rankings – Could Leanne be the inaugural New Zealand Bachelorette?


Tara Ward brings you her Shortland Street Power Rankings for last week, including Victoria’s last-ditch campaign for #redpeak, Jimmy’s new slang and Leanne not giving a blue duck about anything. 

1) Leanne gets funky

The age-old question “where do we go to get our funk on?” is right up there with “why am I here?” and “what is the meaning of life?”

I don’t know what came over Leanne this week, but she grabbed life by both its bollocks and squeezed the bejesus out of them in the hope that life-changing revelations would pour forth. She danced in a gay bar, went on a clairvoyance course, and hooned around on a jetski like she was on a date with Art Green. Actually, that’s a bloody great idea: Leanne as the inaugural star of The Bachelorette NZ.

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2) Victoria’s active-wear keeps the Red Peak dream alive 

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Kia kaha, Victoria.

3) Jimmy calls it as he sees it

“Booyah!” yelled Jimmy, as he uploaded a picture to his Myspace page of his daughter stuffed into a plastic bucket. “Booyah!” he screeched at Boyd after he revealed Bella’s secret crush on the pale-faced doctor. “Booyah!” he cried at medical science as it healed baby Stevie of whatever digestive issue she had. With his rubbery hand gestures and corrugated forehead, is Jimmy Ferndale’s answer to Kramer?

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4) Ali/Luigi makes a delivery to Struggle Street

Beneath Luigi’s calm and measured exterior is a burning cesspit of repressed rage. “People shouldn’t litter the beach with glass! There are bins everywhere!” he shouted, as his neck veins throbbed with testosterone like DUKE TV on launch day. The struggle is real for Luigi, surrounded by thoughtless litterbugs, drivers who fail to indicate, and those scum of the earth opportunists who dare to use the supermarket express aisle with 13 items.

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5) The blue duck fits the bill

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I don’t know which is crazier: Leanne claiming to have the gift of clairvoyance or that Bella believes her. In a moment of mystical brilliance, Leanne foresaw a blue duck as a sign that Bella and Boyd should hook up. Settle down Leanne, there are blue ducks on the $10 note but that doesn’t mean I should pash my bank teller. Or does it? Bloody hell, what other blue duck opportunities have I missed in my life?

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6) Lucy keeps her feelings close to her chest

This is what happens when you allow mixed flatting: breasts flying around the lounge like it’s the Moulin bloody Rouge. How is a man supposed to function with all this wall to wall temptation? Lucy crushed on Ali, Ali professed his love for Lucy, Lucy put her boobs away and Ali committed to his engagement with Sabina. Nothing to see here, people.

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Another week of Shorty over and alas, the most exciting part was the fancy cheesy sausages at Nicole’s barbeque. Will Ali successfully juggle two jobs and two women? Will Boyd and Bella’s attempt at romance be as awkward as last week’s dialogue? Will Leanne’s next premonition involve more native animals, like a longtailed bat or Gore’s giant brown trout? Booyah!

Shortland Street airs 7pm weekdays of TV2, click here to catch up on TVNZ Ondemand

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