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We say ‘I do’ to the return of MAFS NZ (Image: Alex Casey/Tina Tiller)
We say ‘I do’ to the return of MAFS NZ (Image: Alex Casey/Tina Tiller)

Pop CultureMay 26, 2024

Reiki on a guinea pig and whatnot: Our first reactions to Married at First Sight NZ

We say ‘I do’ to the return of MAFS NZ (Image: Alex Casey/Tina Tiller)
We say ‘I do’ to the return of MAFS NZ (Image: Alex Casey/Tina Tiller)

Fresh off the back of episode one of Married at First Sight NZ’s new season, Alex Casey and Tara Ward fire up the chat to dissect what the hell we all just watched. 

Alex Casey: Tara, are you still screaming? I’m screaming. 

Tara Ward: I started screaming the moment I saw Michael’s back tattoo. I squawked hysterically when Madeleine uttered the words “meat stick” a mere seven minutes into the season. I yowled until my ears bled when Michael gushed about “dumping your ejaculate”, before finally shrieking and keeling over at the incredible sight of Madeleine performing Reiki on her guinea pig. What the heck was all that? 

AC: Just an absolutely roaring start to Married at First Sight NZ, a deeply cursed franchise that truly was left with no other option but to lean into this exact energy. It’s got the dorkiness of Come Dine With Me and the wry nods of The Apprentice Aotearoa, while still somehow making me well the hell up at that damn slo-mo montage of Kara getting ready for her wedding. I was deeply concerned about the tiny cast and lacklustre promos, but episode one was a true delight. 

TW: It was, as guinea pig-healing bride Madeleine declared, a “vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe, vibe”. After this stonker of a premiere, I am thrilled about what lies ahead. Such brides! Such grooms! Let’s take a straightener to our chin hair and discuss these participants with the rabid enthusiasm of a man wearing shorts and a fur coat to the local pie shop. 

Just a man, standing in front of a pie shop (Screengrab)

AC: First of all, whoever composed that shot deserves a New Zealand Television Award, a BAFTA and a Nobel Peace Prize. We must discuss Michael, who huffed and puffed and blew us all away (aka, made a very short “Divine Man” robe) on The Apprentice Aotearoa back in 2021. It was so good to get a much-needed update on his ejaculate valves, endogenous DMTs and chi levels (all still going strong). How about that moment the producer asked him if he was spiritual and the heavens shone on his scalp? A Divine Man indeed. 

TW: I thought his cushion game was very strong. 

Divine (Screengrab)

AC: I also am obsessed with his assessment of the “four healthy men” on the stag night. Which leads me to the next healthy man… Piripi, the brewer from Hamilton! Two kids from a previous relationship, loves to push a big old tyre around and loves to smash a lager (responsibly). I coveted his chic oversized coat, was charmed by how he was “nervous as balls”, and am deeply intrigued by the fact he appears to cut his luscious curls over the course of the series. A Samson and Delilah situation? Only Michael’s endogenous DMT knows for sure. 

TW: James and Nathaniel were certainly the quieter of the four grooms, but given their first meeting involved sharing their sexual proclivities and some extreme heavy breathing, it’s no wonder. I did enjoy the unexpected slo-mo dance sequence during the grooms’ espresso martini workshop while the poor brides got absolutely drenched on a boat. Dance like nobody’s watching, breathe like nobody’s dumping their ejaculate.

AC: It was definitely the most horned-up debut in the history of MAFS, which wasn’t helped by a very raunchy round of “would you rather”. I also really loved how much fun they are having with the editing – whether it was including John Aiken’s question to production about the term “the ick” or the supercut of Nathaniel saying “whatnot” 400 times. It has a much more relaxed and light-hearted vibe, while still delivering the emotional hammer moments of Kara talking about losing her brother, and Steph’s crushing analogy about the search for love being like musical chairs (“everyone sat down and there’s no chairs left”). 

TW: Yes, that poignant shot of Steph standing alone on the beach got me so good, I almost needed to hug a guinea pig. There was a lot of beach in this episode, a lot of jogging and a lot of Magnum ice creams, the traditional food of love. Then everyone went to Vanuatu to get married, and Kara made a brownie that said “wifey for lifey” on it. 

Wifeys for Lifeys? (Screengrab)

AC: I adored how they were like “IN A WORLD FIRST FOR THE FRANCHISE…. not a soul in Christendom is coming to your wedding” as if they are on the forefront of scientific discovery and not just trying to save a few more Magnums and meat sticks. At one point John Aiken even said “we know for a fact that the Married at First Sight experiment works” which is a statement that feels like it needs a citation and a peer review, or at least an asterisk next to it. 

TW: That peer review may come from Wifey for Lifey and Michael’s Beard, aka the first couple to be matched in this blessed union of hearts, minds and meat sticks. Michael says he’s “looking for a queen”, but I wonder, does he even have time for a royal bride? The man is BUSY. He’s an MMA fighter, he’s running house auctions from a bed of pink cushions, he’s breathing, he’s blow drying his facial hair. Kara just wants a kind man who’s over six-foot-two tall. I wonder what she thinks about all those cushions. 

AC: What we were definitely not left wondering was how her incredible dad Al felt about Married at First Sight. “I’ve seen snippets from Married at First Sight before and I always felt it was a bit contrived,” he told the Married at First Sight cameras. “It creates conflict which makes the programme saleable and marketable. It wasn’t about the people involved in Married at First Sight, it was about ratings.” Ironically, ‘twas a beautiful moment of conflict that undoubtedly made the programme more saleable and marketable. 

TW: Put the astute and wise Al on the couch as the third expert immediately, so we can ask him this important question: Did Michael steal James’s pink blazer for his wedding? 

Someone call 111 (Screengrab)

AC: He’s a detective with over 30 years of experience but this might be his toughest case yet. Have ye any other final thoughts as we close this deeply forensic analysis of Married at First Sight NZ episode one? 

TW: I do. LOL! The first episode was a great time, even if it did get a bit rude. Save something for the honeymoon, you guys! Now I’m off to eat a Magnum and comb the long rogue whisker on my left cheek. 

AC: So many more weddings to go, so many more guinea pigs to heal. 

Married at First Sight airs Sunday-Tuesday 7.30pm on Three, and streams on ThreeNow.

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Troy Kingi
Troy Kingi

Pop CultureMay 25, 2024

‘There’s no better song to drink coffee to’: Troy Kingi’s perfect weekend playlist

Troy Kingi
Troy Kingi

In a new weekly interview series, we ask a different local artist to curate their dream weekend soundtrack. First up: Troy Kingi. 

Troy Kingi is a man on a well-documented mission to make 10 albums, in 10 genres, over 10 years. But finding himself creatively blocked while making his eighth album, he decided to pack his bags and go on a creative pilgrimage to Joshua Tree. In the first episode of Troy Kingi’s Desert Hikoi, he explains why he’s making the trip. “I’m just hoping it’s going to spark something in me, some vibes, some creativity.” 

The trail leads him everywhere from a cave in the Mamápukaiv mountains, to a run-in with a cactus in the Mojave Desert, to a sit-down with his childhood idol Serj Tankan from System of a Down (he is making a rock album, after all). With all four episodes now available to binge this weekend on TVNZ+, we asked Troy Kingi to curate his perfect weekend playlist for us. 

Stan Getz – ‘The Girl from Ipanema’

I’m not a huge coffee guy but we just got a new machine, so I’ve been going hard and for sure there’s no better song to drink coffee to while the world slowly wakes up than ‘The Girl from Ipanema’.

Kendrick Lamar – ‘Not Like Us’

I don’t know how badly this is gonna age, but me and my girls have been thrashing this one all week on the way to trainings and Saturday sport. Good one to get geed up to, and also, we were entrenched in the Drake/Kendrick beef – what a time to be alive huh?

Khruangbin – ’August 10’

Khruangbin has ultimately been the soundtrack to my life for a wee while, beautiful music for afternoon chilling. This song in particular inspired my song ‘Happy Colour’ off of my last album.

The Stylistics – ‘Hurry Up This Way Again’

Cooking dinner for the family has been my favourite pastime since moving into our new house. I listen to The Stylistics on shuffle every single night and this song always jumps out, what a banger.

Yussef Dayes – ‘Portrait of Tracy (Live from Malibu)’

Yussef Dayes has been on high rotation all year. This song sits nicely in the background during Saturday night dinner but if you care to actually listen it’s dope as hell.

Andre 3000 – ‘I Swear, I Really Wanted to Make a ‘Rap’ Album but This Is Literally the Way the Wind Blew Me This Time

I thought I was the king of long-winded titles but Andre 3K definitely takes the cake with this one. I’m a big Andre fan so I’m gonna lap up any tunes he throws our way – even if he’s being a buzzy flautist. Great way to see a Sunday sunrise.

Bill Withers – ‘Use Me’

I’ve just finished a run of shows with the Bill Withers Social Club, and this song pretty much has the best drum beat of all time, it makes you wanna dance-walk through the bush.

Deniece Williams – ‘Free’

I first heard this song on the Wu-Tang: An American Saga series. It’s been a staple in my playlists ever since and is perfect for the Sunday house clean. Just looking at my song choices, they’re pretty chill vibes, I suppose the older I get the less abrasive I wanna be to my one good ear.

Bob Marley – ‘Coming In From the Cold’

Uprising is on high rotation in our household. My daughter said they had a game of Jeopardy in her class the other day and played this very song, the teacher said if they could also name the album they would get double points – she’s the only one who knew. It’s like I’ve been training her whole life for this moment.

Ruby Turner – Women Hold up Half the Sky (the whole album)

This is my most prized possession in my record collection, a second hand bargain from Real Groovy and a banger from start to finish. It’s an album that reminds me of trips to my grandma’s in Whangārei in the late 80s.

Watch Troy Kingi’s Desert Hikoi here on TVNZ+

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