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Pop CultureJune 27, 2017

Survivor NZ Power Rankings, Week Eight – Have we already got our winner?

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Superfan Joseph Harper tackles the eighth week of Survivor NZ, including the regeneration of the viral cop and Barb’s Soprano-style reign. Click here for last week.

God we are getting damn close to the end and thank the lord because Survivor NZ is getting really weird. Our ‘good’ players keep deciding to play as ‘bad’ players. My favourites keep getting booted back to Geraldine. Our long-haired tribespeople are somehow not winning the world famous ‘get the mud’ challenge in spite of their world-famous ‘long hair advantage in the mud thing’. It’s all gone bananas.

The central figure here is still Barb. I don’t get it. What do the players think of Barb? What does Barb think of Barb? Barb’s edit and seemingly her gameplay have her locked in as a Tony Soprano of the highest order. But she don’t get no respect and so subsequently, she don’t get no self-respect. It’s painful!

I was actually pretty bored by this week but there were quite a few funny tidbits.

Tom and Nate had the quietest conversation ever. I think the crew forgot that microphones were a thing and recorded via transcribed crab rememberings. Did they get new togs? Am I just tired? At least one of those things happened for sure.

The reward was funny to me. The horse thing. The beer. The “Keep Calm Carry On” accoutrements.

The big storyline is probably Nate’s revolting taste in sandwiches: peanut butter and tomato. Wow. Just wow. Somehow watery and gluggy. Arrest this crooked cop because he’s committing a sandwich crime. Yuck.

Well, here are the players.

#1 AVI

The $100,000 question is this: will New Zealand’s most innocent man win this game and buy 20,000 new feelings journals from Typo?

The man’s skin is “like satin”, which is maybe how Avi made betraying his day one pal seem like… nice. If you are on this Nicaraguan peninsula and you are not doing everything in your power to get this guy the hell out of the finale.. you need to wake up sheeple.

#2 TOM

I like to imagine Tom’s students seeing him covered in mud from ass to ankle and slamming a copyright infringing beer with his best mate in a weird villa. I like to imagine them thinking, ‘Hell yeah. That’s Mr. Tom. Right on. He hasn’t really done that much in the game, but he’s maybe going to win. That rules. Maybe I just won’t do this NCEA level one exam. Maybe I’ll still win the game (of life) anyway. Hell yeah. Mr. Tom is the man.’

Seriously though, I bet it’s insanely cool to see your teacher on Survivor and I bet Tom is a badass teacher. And not just because he looks like the Dustin Hoffman teacher that Lisa Simpson falls in love with. Though this scene has definitely happened:


Nothing brings down my powerful love of Barb like her repeatedly saying ‘I don’t want to win the game or even be in the finale’. WHAT THE FRICK ARE YOU DOING BARB?!

You were on form and playing better than anyone else on this goddamn peninsula. You awoke from your century long slumber to rain down unrelenting pain on this gaggle of millennial scum. I loved you so much Barb.

And now this.

You don’t want to win? You don’t want to be in the final? I’m flipping out. I’m ready to burn all the non-legal tender coins I broiled in my attic featuring Barb as the true and rightful matriarch of New Zealand. This feels worse than when you put teabags on your eyes but they’re still hot and also you forget to shut your eyes first so you get tea all in your eyes.

Yeah. I mean she could well be bamboozling these lil boys, but why isn’t she revealing her evil plans in confessional? I don’t know what the hell is happening.

The only pleasing thing we got from Barb was when she said, “I do love horses. They are a great passion.” Alright Father Ted, calm down.


Barb pulled her weird frisbee flop, but not before putting the kaibosh on Nate’s moves. So why am I vibin’ for the viral cop this week?

He started the game pretty hot and was edited into a hard-working underdog who gathered Survivor revenue where necessary. Barb’s emergence sent Nate zero dark thirty, but now the man is resurgent. He’s having teary moments. He’s plotting. These kiwis thought they’d eradicated with viral sensation, but it turns out they are anti-vaxxers and this viral cop is going to show how viral he really is. By killing them all (going to the final)!

#5 MIKE (Redemption Island)

Honestly, I’m bored as hell of Mike as the master of circus games at this point. Ffs just let him back in.

On the plus side though, check out Mike’s spoon!

#6 SHAY (Redemption Island)

The sun is finally coming up and, ironically, that’s a bad thing for the shade-lord. I think. Either way, Shay is pretty wrecked here. I almost wish Shay could have gone out in a blaze of glory earlier. Seeing my absolute heart of hearts turn into a bit-part then a featured extra and finally a Shortland Street Santa man has been long and tiring. Poor Shay. So much potential. 

#7 JAK (Redemption Island)

Jak is still in the game.

#8 SHANNON (Eliminated)

If you messaged Shannon calling her bad or whatever or commented on the Survivor FB being like “Shannon is evil cos she backstab the pretty mannies”, then guess what: boo. You suck. Shannon was cool and it was lame that her game got boogered by whiny divas who learned the hard way that ‘an alliance is not a contract (but it’s very nice)’.

Thanks Shannon for stirring the drink. Pleased to hear you have a job at the Auckland Zoo and I hope you’ll be voting people out of Meerkat Manor for the rest of your days.

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