Friends, we’ve finally made it. Tools are officially down, and The Block NZ is nearly over for 2018. Tara Ward recaps.
For the past 12 weeks we’ve stared into an abyss of portaloos and pavers, of hypnotists and Heimlich manoeuvres, of sheep mustering and nipple coloured walls. We’ve endured pointless challenges with sponge cake and sudoku toilet paper. We’ve marvelled at feature walls, perved at powder rooms, and been blown away by blocked pipes.
This week, our beloved teams closed their automatic garage doors on three months of blood, sweat and the tears of two purple clowns. As Mark said, they’ve left no stone unturned, no cushion unfluffed. They’ve stared danger between the eyes and painted it four different shades of mustard. All that’s left is Sunday night’s auction, when the team whose house sells for the highest profit wins a cool $100,000.
To the victors go the spoils. To the rest of us: if I ever see Stu’s buttcrack on television again, it will be too soon.
There were two room reveals as Laundry Week morphed into Backyard Week, but things were getting desperate. The McCafe caravan gave away all its leftovers, teams begged to borrow from the Bank of Mark, and a tense room judging saw Stu and Amy buy Chlo and Em’s -2 for $4000 so that Ben and Tom could use their secret Undo card to negate the -2 that Stu and Amy didn’t need because they won anyway.
It was all brilliantly awkward and confusing, much like the dinner with judges Jason and Kristina. This was a chance for grievances to be aired, and Jason didn’t hold back. “Your shelves in that entrance way were just horrific!” he told Ben and Tom. “Those hideous landings!” he added. “It was like a train wreck!” he said of Chlo and Em’s landing. Oh, Jason. Never change.
It’s been one heck of a hoon in the Suzuki, and now it’s nearly over. Let’s take a dip into the power rankings for the last time.
1) Ben and Tom
Praise be to Ben and Tom’s mums, who swooped in to rid Hobsonville Point of the “boy smell” that infiltrated every cushion, every feature wall, every mother flipping skylight on The Block NZ. It worked a treat, because Ben and Tom reeked only of victory after they won the right to choose Sunday’s auction order and later pulled an Undo blindside on Amy and Stu. Nosy neighbours, for the win.
2) Chlo and Em
Thank you, Chlo and Em, for bringing the word ‘pittosporum’ back onto prime-time television. If that’s not worth $100,000, then I don’t know what is.
3) Claire and Agni
It was quite the week for the Hamilton soulmates. Their fourth bedroom was no longer a bedroom, they were banned from driving after someone filmed Claire pulling some batshit crazy moves on the motorway, and Agni got so excited over his new trampoline that he gifted Tom a precious Undo card.
Listen, I don’t want to start a rumour but I’m sure this decline in fortune directly correlates with the disappearance of Claire and Agni’s majestical hair hat. We’ve not seen hide nor hair of that glorious beast in weeks. Let’s hope Agni locates their good luck charm before Sunday night, because lucky hair hat = science = $100,000.
4) Stu and Amy
If you thought David Seymour judging a birdman challenge was the most random political cameo on The Block NZ, then hold my panini.
I don’t know what the heck Paula Bennett was doing popping up in Amy and Stu’s Desert Chic bedroom, but I bloody loved it. She’s unlocked a whole new world of political appearance possibilities for next season, like Bill English whipping up some spaghetti pizzas in the scullery or Peter Dunne doing the worm in the backyard. See you in 2019, you’re welcome.