Alex Casey recaps week four on The Traitors NZ, in which the contestants get kidnapped and Colin Mathura-Jeffree takes control of the Traitors’ conclave and possibly the world.
We’re at the pointy end of The Traitors NZ now and, as Paul Henry himself mused while lurking in the Traitors conclave like a bad smell, it’s time to up the ante. This week half the contestants were kidnapped and locked in a boat shed with nothing but a landline and a series of questions that really suggested production were trying to hack into their banking apps. Later, they were tied up in a dark room by Pussy Riot while spooks shrieked at them from the darkness. Normal show!
As for the lay of the land: another traitor has been found out, another celebrity has lost their marbles overnight, and another non-celebrity has been banished for being “too quiet” (read: not having her own podcast on iHeartRadio). Speaking of podcasts, myself, Jane Yee and Duncan Greive are recapping our favourite reality television every week over on The Real Pod’s Substack – sign up here for much more of The Traitors NZ and local pop culture happenings. Onto the rankings…
MURDERED: Dylan Reeve (faithful)
“Big brain Dylan had to go,” said Brooke Howard-Smith, whose own brain is so large that it must be contained within a safety fedora at all times. “I’m sorry mate, but you’re just too smart.” A shame to see Dylan go, but we can only hope his big brain is onto bigger and better things now that he is free from The Traitors NZ labyrinth. Sudoku? Wordle? Peace be with you Dylan.
MURDERED: Justine Smith (faithful)
Like Dylan, Justine would have been a formidable traitor and I am sad that we won’t get to see her dramatically throw back her hood to reveal a shock of red hair. Justice for Justine Smith.
BANISHED: Dan Sing (traitor)
The chips were majorly down for Dan this week after he insisted on mentioning Robbie’s wink at every single possible opportunity made available to him. “All I’ve got on Dan is the wink” said a faithful who didn’t know about the wink until Dan incessantly talked about the wink. “Where there’s smoke, there’s fire”, said another, referencing Dan’s discussion of the wink all day. “Hey, anyone notice that weird wink earlier?” said Dan, winking his way straight to banishment.
BANISHED: Darth Vanda (faithful)
True crime novelist Vanda has been doomed ever since Colin gave her that Star Wars inspired nickname in episode one. This week she came under fire again for being “too quiet” (read: not having hosted the NZ Music Awards at least once) and was banished on suspicion of being a traitor. In the words of Kings: you guys suck.
6) Brooke Howard-Smith (traitor)
Watching Brooke Howard-Smith this week, I couldn’t help but think of the crafty parasitic party worm known as Leucochloridium. This devilish wee creepy-crawly invades the bodies of hapless snails and turns them into raving zombie aliens, taking control of their minds and eventually luring them into the open so birds can pluck their eyes out.
What I’m trying to say here is that Brooke Howard-Smith is the snail and the parasitic party worm is Colin Mathura-Jeffree. Wide-eyed Brooke has invited Colin into the Traitors conclave, but appears to have no idea that the international model is about to worm his way into his subconscious and eventually make him sacrifice himself in the middle of the roundtable.
5) Sam Smith (faithful)
The main thing we learned about Sam Smith this week is that he had a childhood toy called Zuggaballantyne, and that everyone at The Traitors lodge is intimately familiar with the life and times of Zugaballantyne. Again, if you want to go deeper down this rabbit-soft-toy-rabbit-hole, we’ll have something extra special on The Real Pod Substack later in the week.
4) Julia Vahry (faithful)
Mad respect to Julia and Anna for their outstanding performance in the counting-in-the-dark-while-Pussy-Riot-bang-homewares challenge. They counted within just a few seconds of the 13 minute, 13 second mark, which is a lot better than Colin and Vanda did (Colin somehow counted “one potato, two potato” all the way to 19 minutes). “Mums eh, we’re so good at counting down to bedtime,” she said.
3) Kings (faithful)
Kings went to bed in episode seven a husk of a man, and awoke in episode eight with a bizarre bravado that saw him publicly announce Brooke as a traitor over breakfast. Game over, right? Wrong! Moments later, he leaned over to Brooke and said “I trust you, I’m doing a thing…” and then THEY FIST BUMPED. So close, and yet so far.
2) Anna Reeve (faithful)
Anna has the trust of everyone in the group after swearing on The Reeve Nuggets’ lives that she is a faithful, and she is becoming increasingly suspicious of Brooke’s erratic flip-floppy behaviour (zombie parasite), which is very promising. If Colin Mathura-Jeffree somehow ascends to take his final form on another terrestrial plane before the end of the Traitors NZ (likely), there’s high chance that Anna Reeve could win.
1) Colin Mathura-Jeffree (traitor)
This is the role that Colin Mathura-Jeffree was born for and, as he said himself, this is where he “wants to dance”. Striding into the Traitors’ conclave while gently wafting his Mount Fuji fan, you could feel the wind change. “The game has gone up a level,” he mused. “Even Brooke doesn’t know what’s hit him.” Kings tried to torch him at the roundtable, but Teflon Colin managed to pout his way out unscathed. Run, run, as fast as you can – you can’t catch him, he’s the gingerbread man.
But even more compelling was what happened next within the conclave, which should now be called a colinclave. The international model faced a bumbling Brooke Howard-Smith, cold as ice, and asked him why he hadn’t spoken up when the heat was on him. “Your silence, to me, was deafening,” he said, steely gaze unblinking. “I’m a traitor, you’re a traitor, just don’t cross me.” It’s Colin’s world now, we’re just living in it. Godspeed to us all.
The Traitors NZ continues Monday and Tuesday 7.30 on Three, and is available to stream on ThreeNow.