Tara Ward power ranks week five of The Traitors NZ.
It’s the penultimate week of the best reality television season we’ve ever made, and things have taken a turn. Spirits are low, the missions have become terrifying and Paul Henry’s dogs seem to be multiplying every time he arrives for breakfast. Our players are living out their worst nightmares by being carjacked and kidnapped and zapped in an electric chair, just to have a chance of winning $49,000. Is it worth it? Let’s put that pressing question to Paul Henry, who’s reporting live from a communist bunker located somewhere in the 1980s:
The prize pool may be looking a little lean, but this week was chocka with drama. The most influential faithful of all was murdered by the most unlikely of traitors, and with only a handful of exhausted players remaining, we watched them turn on each other. “It smells like a shitshow,” Noel said, and even without smell-o-vision, he was clearly speaking the truth. Even Paul Henry felt the tension and retreated to the safety of a farm woolshed, where he reappeared in what may possibly be his most pure and original form: as a sack filled with money.
For the second last time this season, let’s take a seat at the round table of Traitors NZ power rankings.
MURDERED: Utah (faithful)
Last week, Utah topped our precious power rankings and the game was his for the taking. This week, the dream was over. The strongest player was murdered in the night, and one person felt his absence more keenly than anyone else.
It was one of the most jaw dropping moments of the season: Utah, murdered by the faithful he trusted with his life, who was now a traitor. “I’m going to miss my boy Siale the most,” the unknowing Utah said in his final moments. “It will be interesting to see how it pans out.”
Well Utah, here’s how it’s panning out so far:
BANISHED: Molly (faithful)
While everyone else was sinking into an unmarked grave of misery and despair, Molly stood out for being relentlessly upbeat and positive. Classic traitor behaviour! Molly was too pure for this game, and thus, was banished faster than Jane gulping down an ice cold glass of H20. Goodbye, sweet angel.
BANISHED: Ben (Traitor, née faithful)
Hell of a week for Ben. One moment he was a loyal faithful gunning for Siale, the next he was a naughty traitor gunning for Siale. Even worse, he only had one day on the job before he was turfed out, and then surprised everyone by announcing he was actually an actor. All the world’s a stage, mates.
7) Donna (faithful)
Say what you will about Donna’s hectic approach to the game, but she’s nothing if not consistent. This week Donna continued to target both Noel and Joe, despite Paul Henry’s three bald dogs behaving more like traitors than either of these two. However, we really need to talk about the horrifying moment when Donna’s teammates inexplicably left her hanging during the electric chair challenge. Have they no heart/cow’s lung/pig’s trotters? Tragedy, thy name is fist bump.
6) Joe (faithful)
Poor Joe. This week, he was the head of the Tortured Poets Society, the president of the We Hate The Traitors Club and a lifetime member of the I Miss Utah Foundation. After having enough of everyone’s bullshit, Joe decided to vote himself out of the game, but even then the poor lamb couldn’t catch a break. Instead of being banished as he hoped, the new dawn saw Joe return refreshed and resplendent in a two piece pant suit that would have Claudia Winkleman’s stylist dying of jealousy. Bravo.
5) Noel (faithful)
At this point, every one of my trotters is crossed that Noel makes it to the very end, simply because he’s endured more scrutiny than the throbbing vein in Mike’s forehead. However, he may have to retract his shocking confession about his feelings towards Paul Henry’s dogs, because I suspect they hold more power in this game than we realise.
4) Jason (faithful)
In a game where players are terrified for their lives, it’s a delight to see old mate Jase having the holiday of a lifetime. While everyone else screamed when they were carjacked or grimaced while being zapped in the electric chair, military man Jase sat calmly with a big grin on his face. Is there nothing that can shock him? What a legend.
3) Cat (faithful)
Cat spent the week trying to persuade everyone that Siale was a traitor, mostly because of the conversation they had about being a traitor before Siale was a traitor which made him look like a traitor even though he wasn’t a traitor. And now he is a traitor pretending not to be a traitor so that he can keep being a traitor and murder Cat? Absolute chaos, thanks for the memories.
2) Siale (traitor, née faithful)
What a turnaround for Siale. Overnight, the grumpy classroom teacher became the naughty kid at the back of the class, murdering his BFF and banishing his traitor competition. As ruthless as Siale is, he also took one for the team by jumping in the electric chair to be shocked. Perhaps he should have had a hmmm first?
1) Bailey (traitor)
“I’m a bit worried I’m a psychopath, because this is so easy,” Bailey said after she seduced two new traitors, sent one traitor home and avoided even a skerrick of suspicion from her fellow players. What a game, what a player… what are we going to do with our lives once The Traitors NZ ends next week?