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Pop CultureNovember 30, 2015

Television: Shortland Street Power Rankings – Drew You Still Love Me?

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Tara Ward brings you this week’s Shortland Street Power Rankings, including Wendy’s aquatic incident and Harry’s IT wizardry.

1) Harry tinkers with science and practically splits the atom

Rachel gifts Harry with his first job: Leanne’s new slave. Harry’s first task is to print the Shortland Street Christmas cards, which hopefully feature a delightfully festive photo of Drew McCaskill’s shiny head covered in tinsel and fairy lights.

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Harry’s appalled. He has to work for the whole day, plus the printer takes almost ten seconds to work. Poor Harry and his soft hands, being forced to perform in such third-world conditions.

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Harry shows what a private education can do when he fixes the entire hospital IT system in about ten minutes flat. Suddenly choirs of angels began to sing. “We can print!” the hospital staff chorused. “You saved our lives!” rejoiced the patients. New antibiotics were generated, cancer cured, gender pay equity achieved, all because Harry fixed the printers.

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Run for your life, Victoria, you are better than this.

3) Mo takes back control with a giddy mix of mime and gesture

Blair returns to blackmail Margaret for more money. Feel free to increase your demands, Blair: that hospital budget is a bottomless bounty, all thanks to Drew’s underage boob jobs.

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Mo’s desperate for a decent night’s sleep, but he’ll never rest again until Marg and Curtis’ shit is sorted once and for all. Mo puts on his big boy knickers and invites Blair over for an unusual game of charades, where the winner gets to stay out of prison.

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Is Blair a sore loser? Will he kick in Mo’s head just because Mo failed to guess Police 10-7?

4) Drew’s stalker is revealed and nobody is surprised

So many stalkers, so little time. We sat on the edge of our seats this week as Drew brandished a nine iron around his lounge like Lydia Ko on growth hormones, nervously anticipating which weirdo was behind the door.

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Would it be sweaty Gareth, he of the paranoid brain and inferior chest drains?

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What about Millie, Gareth’s homeless daughter, who has a fondness for sleeping on strange men’s couches?

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But the lucky winner is…

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Bloody Virginia! I knew those floral frocks were too good for Sydney. Virginia lands back in Ferndale with an almighty thump and is hell bent on getting back with Drew. “We’re divorced,” Drew tells her. “Only on paper,” Virginia replies.

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5) Leanne helps to put a dick in its place

Damo’s reputation as an IT specialist lies in tatters, like a pustulent bandage left to rot on the sluice room floor. “Damo is a dick,” Harry proclaims.

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Leanne’s outraged when Damo locks himself in his windowless cupboard and plots his revenge against ‘Nan’ and the toddler. This revenge mostly consists of bulging his eyes and turning off the power to Leanne’s computer. Scary.

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Leanne’s not taking this crap from some two-bit techno monkey in desperate need of a Vitamin D injection. She’s been around the block enough times to know how to beat a fool like Damo: take it straight to the CEO.

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Leanne 1, Damo 0. Back in your box, son.

6) Wendy gets that sinking feeling

Muzza takes Wendy out to join the nautical equivalent of the Mile High club. Alas, the romance of it all makes Wendy nauseous. Me too.

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When the sheer force of Wendy’s vomiting causes the boat to slip the jetty, Wendy floats aimlessly in approximately three feet of water. What a desperate situation! Murray could lose the boat! His wife too, but mostly the boat!

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Wendy’s move of driving the boat straight into the jetty is as clever as it is drastic. Bon voyage, Murray’s Love Boat.

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7) Harper gets her cluck on

Last week Harper would have rather put pins in her eyes than have a baby. This week she’s so keen to procreate that she’s playing Barry White over the hospital intercom and straddling Boyd in his exam room. Surely this contravenes several health and safety guidelines?

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Hold your horses, Harper. Making the babies is only part of it. Apparently once the brats are born they hang about for years.

With only two weeks to go until the end of year finale, there are questions aplenty. Will Mo gesticulate his way to a Blair-free future? Will Harry run for Mayor of Ferndale, or at the very least, Social Club President? Will Harper bear the fruit of Boyd’s loins? Why am I thinking about Boyd’s loins? This Christmas hiatus cannot come quick enough.

Click here to watch Shortland Street on TVNZ Ondemand

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